I hope everyone had a great holiday! I have been on the road travelling between states to visit family, taking care of the rehabilitating wife, the ailing mother, and just connecting with my loved ones. It was a good season.
So my New Year did not bring resolutions. Instead I am going to focus on perspective... How I view the circumstances of my journey.
On NYEve W and I went to dinner with some friends... super awesome, supportive friends. We were in bed by 10pm and stayed up to watch the ball drop. It was a good time but W was in some post- therapy pain and I was lucky enough to slip my back a few days earlier so we were a sight to see!
Perspective is my new favorite word. It's helping me with my litmus test on where my marriage stands and where I am in this journey.
It's easy to stay in the "woe". To live in the space of BD, ILYINILWY, the affair, the separation, but the other day my Aunt said to me, "your wife is at home with you." So that started my shift to examining my reality from a different perspective.
Instead of wondering why reconciliation is so hard, I try to focus on the positive differences in my relationship with W today in comparison to one year ago today or two years ago today. For example:
Two years ago today: My W was in an illicit affair for a almost year and I had no clue. We were completely disconnected and resentful of one another. I was wallowing in financial devastation and anger and she was self medicating with her AP. Our communication and emotional intimacy were cracked.
One year ago today: My W had just recently told me the affair was emotional and physical, my world was unravelling, I was snooping and finding evidence that she was planning on leaving me. I was at the lowest point of my life.
Today: I woke up rested and got ready for work, put on bright shiny make-up, had coffee in bed watching the news while my W was sleeping next to me. I recently got a raise, I'm enrolled in my 2nd semester of college and I have more new friends from this past year than I can count. I kissed my W before leaving for work and she told me she loved me. I just spent part of the holidays with my W's family (I have never done that in 13 yrs!) Today I can see my future. The one that is just about me. And for the first time in a long time... I can see the possibility of what my marriage can become.
Sweet.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I was just thinking about yo last night. Sounds like a good start to 2014.
Hello darlin'! I'm was just catching up reading Ruby's thread. Thanks for thinking of me! I've got a lot of thread reading to do today and tomorrow!
Missed ya'll!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Good stuff RT! So glad to see all the positives in your "today". All the best to you in this new year.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Im literally standing in my office sending you a fist bump and high five!!!!!
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
1) How did W behave during post-op recovery? What was her overall demeanor?
2) As for visiting the ILs for the first time in 13 years, how did that make you feel? How did W feel about this? Did that encourage more closeness between you two?
3) Where does W stand in regard to the ex-OW?
4) Are there plans to attend Gottman-based MC?
Good job with being willing to change your perspective. Not an easy thing to do as we generally like to dig in when it comes to our own thoughts and beliefs.
RT, I loved your post and your new perspective. It seems you do have a lot to be positive about and grateful for. I'll be watching to see your updates, and wishing you the best in the meantime!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
You are one strong woman! Your attitude is amazing & I admire it dearly. To come to the place you are now after years of standing for marriage & DBing is great.
The transformation you have made as a person speaks for itself. Keep it up!
Happy new year!
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
Spin: You my main man! And I'm a lesbian... so you can take that to the bank! LOL!!! I love your support! I read your post and took a bow (literally) to your standing ovation. heeehee! You make me smile!
Mimi: Thanks for the well wishes! I will mozy on over to your thread and read up on your sitch. I hope you have an amazing new year too!
Melissa: You are a rockstar yourself woman! Bright and intuitive. You keep hangin' in there!
In_It: Girrrrl! We've been in the trenches together! I'm gald to hear from you. After I post today I'm going to see if you've updated! Happy New year sweetie!
Wonka: Great questions from my mentor! I'm going to respond separately.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
