Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers melissag VIII - but I'm afraid to have no fear!

Oh no, I am definitely not trying to take responsibility for whatever my H is or isn't doing. And honestly, I don't think that he is "sleeping around" or even sleeping with anyone else. But I have to admit I do not know, because he is acting like someone totally different than I thought he was, so I have to question everything I think about him now and make no assumptions.

I actually think that I am getting pretty good at not taking responsibility, and realizing whatever he does has nothing to do with me. For example, when I saw the pic of him on FB getting drunk with a bunch of women on NYE (jeez, this must have been a dream for him - he lives by his ego, and his ego is driven almost solely by being wanted by women), it didn't even really make me get that sick feeling in my stomach. I think that when he does things that are that far out of character (or maybe it's that far from acceptable for me), I am actually able to be pretty detached. I honestly thought, "oh gross, this reflects poorly on my H." I kind of feel sorry for him and embarrassed for him. I really don't think it reflects poorly on me. I just think he's an idiot. And sadly, he surrounds himself with enablers and nobody that will call him on his BS.

Sorry, that turned into a rant of sorts.

When my H first BD'd, it was largely about the SSM problem. And I realized that I really had denied him something that was super important to him. And it was something I didn't want to deny him, but I couldn't figure out how to make it work, because my needs were not being met either. Long story short, after BD, I was willing to give what he needed and ignore my own needs for a time. But I think that time is up. By now, he should understand that this is not about a SSM, but my self respect. And you guys are right . . . if he doesn't then it's just more of his BS where he wants to make up his own story in his head instead of looking at reality. (Fine, nobody said that, but you said it doesn't matter what he thinks. )

Thanks to all of you who encouraged me to go on this vacation with my kids, even though my H declined to join us. I go to IC, read books, think of my own, etc., but I really feel like this board has been the most helpful thing I have participated in. I knew (mainly bc of what I have learned here) that I was NOT going to let my fears or sadness surrounding this vacation make me cancel it - but what I did not know is how grateful I would be that I went on my own.

I think this week has been a great opportunity for me to reflect on my sitch, to grow, to move forward, to become more independent and confident, and to be with great friends who love me. (I also had a great time running at sea level - holy cow. It was like, running was actually fun, and I could go fast! It will be a bummer to go back to running at altitude tomorrow.)

But most of all, this trip gave me the gift of falling in love with my kids again.

I am ashamed to admit it, but my kids took a back seat for a while after BD. I have been a SAHM and in retrospect, I probably gave more time and attention than I should have to them, to the detriment of my M. So when my H BD'd, I almost felt resentful - like, I spent the last 9 years being a SAHM, and now my M is trashed, and to top it all off, Daddy became some sort of hero when he told the kids he was moving out. On top of all that, I had my own crazy emotions to deal with, which left me with not enough to give to them.

I have been slowly getting back to where I want to be with them, but this week has been awesome, and I feel like we are back on track and I am back to being an awesome Mom. I loved spending 24/7 with them, and quite frankly, I am kind of depressed at the thought of going home, where I have to hand them off to H two nights a week.

Here is another thing this trip gave me: It made me see that just because I can't see something now, doesn't mean it's not possible. I seriously wanted to cancel the trip. It's what the old me would have done - must avoid any kind of discomfort at all costs. I really didn't think that it would be a success. I thought it would be hard, I would have to do all these things I was afraid to do - I even was thinking I needed to set aside time each day to cry on my own, because it was going to be so horrible. Ha! It has been great. I have gotten choked up a few times but really not even about my H. And I moved past them quickly. None of my fears around this trip came to be. (labug, it made me think of you - how right you are.)

It has also been nice to not have to talk to H at all for a week. We had one text exchange, and it just reminded me of how annoying and passive he is sometimes.

H: When are you guys getting back?
M: Late Sunday afternoon.
H: Hmmm. Ok. Any chance I could have the kids over Sunday night or will that be too late?
M: I think that will be too crazy for them and for me. I would prefer not to do that.
H: Ok. Let's try for some night soon, though

Ugggghhhh! Am I overreacting or is this annoying? It is so "more of the same" from him. Passive, passive, passive. Now it's like, the ball is in my court. Well, I won't pick it up. Because if I do, then he can blame me for whatever it is that happens that he doesn't like. Yuck. It has been nice not dealing with this for a week.

Sadly, I have to go back to reality. I have some projects I have to work on, and I definitely need to get back into my workout routine. I think I need to set up a schedule with my H as far as who has the kids when - I am tired of these constant conversations about logistics - they always put a damper on my PMA. I despise sharing the kids to begin with, and then to have to discuss it every other day. Blech.

Any thoughts on how to bring that up in a kind, non-blaming sort of way would be appreciated.

I think I have more to write, but after a long, fun day at Disney, my eyes need to close!!

I don't understand isn't there a schedule? Why is he even asking? As much as we all hate him here the kids do need to be with him. Try to think of it as their time with dad and your time to yourself instead of giving things up for him.

If they don't know when they're going, they might be wondering.

The schedule is, he has them two overnights a week - Tuesday or Wednesday and Friday or Saturday. Never on a Sunday. I imagine he thinks that he should get them extra now since I have had them for a week. I would like to say, "not seeing them for a week was your choice." Perhaps that is why he is being so passive - because he knows it.

Yes, I do think of it as time with their Dad, and I know my kids need that. I would not take that away from them to satisfy my own agenda. But it pisses me off that I have to give them up - and that they have to go back and forth - because my H decided to be selfish.

As far as a schedule goes, so far I have been trying not to be "controlling" about it. My MO is to plan things in advance, H doesn't like that. Also, he likes to leave things for me to plan (claiming he is not good at planning, doesn't like it, forgot, or whatever), and then gets resentful about the fact or the way that I planned them. When I plan, or even suggest, it allows him to blame me for whatever it is that he needs to blame someone for.

So, I have been, for the most part, forcing him to make his own decisions and own them. But I am tired of this - I think there needs to be a schedule at least a few weeks in advance with the kids.

Perhaps I will just say, "H, the kids are asking a lot about their schedule, and it is difficult for me not to have the answers. I think it would be beneficial to them and us if we could plan their time with you several weeks in advance."

Then do I make a proposal? Because otherwise he'll say, "OK." or "Sure. What's the schedule?"

Welcome back! I'm so glad to read you had a honeymoon with your kids. When you're with them dayin-dayout it's essential to get out of that rut and really see them, hear them, feel them.

This will be short...I think.

First, you're scorekeeping. It keeps you stuck in the victim mode. The tit-for-tat power struggles, even now in your head, keep you in the one down position and fuel your resentment.
Do you know this to be true? Has he shown you in the past that he has no moral compass? If not, let it go. It doesn't help you.

R are not all good or all bad, people are not all good or all bad, there is a gray area in the middle where we can live.



There's always something under the anger, anger is protective and it's that soft spot of vulnerability that you're protecting. Maybe your IC can help you with this piece.



This isn't about his thoughts, it's about your needs and you have every right to express it. No one likes it when boundaries are set with them, that's just the way it is. You're not asking that he like it, only that he respect it.

Betsey's statement of the boundary was a beautiful, clean, non-punitive statement. You might be confusing boundaries with ultimatums. There are some great books out there on boundary setting. It might be helpful to read more until you feel comfortable.

Whatever you do, don't set a boundary you are unwilling or unable to hold.

I couldn't find the quote but somewhere you said you were afraid your sex boundary would push him further away. AS I said earlier, boundaries help us determine who we want to keep around us, to let in. And if it pushes him further away now, you still don't know what will happen 6 months out. Protect you.

BD spew-we all do it, both sides of the fence. I said a lot of things for the first couple of weeks that I'm ashamed of and don't want to be accountable for.

Sometimes we just have to have a little grace.

Write all that stuff out in a journal, all the things he said that hurt you and then burn it. Close the chapter on it. It's over and done but your mind is keeping it alive. You don't have to listen to it.

About logistics, figure it out, open that conversation with him. (don't go to him with a plan already put together)

You can do this.

Yeah they need it to be very concrete and predictable. And he should get extra days this week if he wants because you were on holiday, but he needs to knock it off with the passive aggressive stuff.

I agree with labug that your H does not have to like the boundary and all you can do is ask your H to respect it. My H often says that he does not like the boundaries, but he totally gets it and respects it.

Remember that if you don't respect yourself, your H will not respect you either. If you let your H do as he pleases, he will continue to do so. Your H is not in the position to sit back and think "maybe I should not do this." People who are not in crisis realize that it is probably not a good idea to post a picture on FB with other woman for numerous reasons. He clearly is not getting it. I literally had to call my H on a couple of things that he did not even realize were problems (i.e. taking our kids to lunch with OW).

There is just no way to continue to bottle up and ignore continued disrespect and insensitivity. If you don't have set healthy boundaries, you will continue to struggle and the resentment and anger will continue to build. Eventually, you will just be done because your H is just not getting it. You wont have even given him the opportunity to make some changes. And you will probably be so angry that your co-parenting relationship will struggle moving forward. I know that as a mom, you dont want that to happen because the kids are the ones who truly suffer.

The way I see it, there really is not much to lose if you talk to H about your feelings (he already moved out and said he dose not want to be your H right now) and a lot more to gain. When I talked to my H, I told my H that I was feeling hurt by his actions with OW, the fact that I thought he was flaunting his single life. I told him that my biggest fear and what I worried about the most was that H would hurt me so bad that he would not have a good co-parenting relationship. I asked him to respect me as a person and as the mother of his children. I told him that I would not demand that he end his A and/or come back. I simply asked him to think about the fact that we have to be in each others lives forever and that he try to not purposely hurt me or disrespect me. I was not trying to punish H. I was just letting him know how hurt I was and what my feelings may be in the future if he continues to disrespect me. I think that if you focus on your feelings, the kids feelings and your hopes to maintain a good relationship moving forward (at least in terms of co-parents), your talk will be successful.

In terms of the schedule, I really recommend getting one set. Once we did that, it eliminated a lot of discussions that drove me insane. Like you, I am a planner and my H does everything last minute. I hated not being able to tell the kids what the plan was. I hated not being able to make plans for myself because I never knew when I would be free. We have set dates, but we are both flexible when we need to be. I think that I would offer your H an extra day this week since he has not seen the kids. I know that your H chose to not go on vacation, but not offering would be you punishing H. Just think about how you would feel if your H took your kids on vacation. I am sure that you would want extra time. I would try to offer when it is not a big deal, so that your H would do the same in the future if you need him to be flexible. You dont want to get to the point that you always so no, so then your H always says no.

labug and 3, great posts. I have much to respond to, but I have to get going to the airport . . . but wanted to say you opened my eyes this morning.

You are right, I have allowed myself to get sucked into being angry with my H (restarting power struggles, keeping score, etc.), and it is not helping me. I think it is just backlash from so many weeks (months) of taking all the blame and internalizing it. I went from one extreme to the other. I need to reset somewhere in the middle.

3, thank you so much for making this point:



That is so correct. He is not getting it. But me being mad isn't going to help. That is a great point - he is just not in a place right now to figure this stuff out. So I need to get out of his way and drop my expectations. (Being mad at him, after all, is really just unfulfilled expectations, right?)

More later! But thanks for giving me some things to think about.

Your 3 boys are very lucky little guys.

And Melissa, you're getting this, you just don't want to and I understand that but someone has to be the change agent.

I'm all over it, bug. It just clicked for me.

Before, I was happy to carry the load on the theory that I was doing it for my H and my M, and we could have this great R. After a while, I just got mad that he doesn't seem to appreciate it and in fact seems to respect me less and less as time goes on. (I know. Everyone on here tells you you have to do it for YOU, but I think you really have to learn some things by experience.)

This time, I will be the agent of change - for me and my kids. That's something I can feel good about.