Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis 2nd time around. H wants D. I don't

Second, you cant bring up ANY relationship talk in my opinion, yours, his, theres??.

Its going to just bring in more confrontation. That's the last thing you need right now. I'm not saying to just turn your cheek, but you def. need to find a way to let it roll off ya for a bit until your in control of yourself a little bit better.

Don't talk to him about whether he can use his work phone or not, what are you doing for yourself?

I throw my 2 cents in here and there, but listening to Snod's advice is going to be your best bet. I'll be here for emotional support.

Your right about not talking about R. I need to work really hard on that. I've been pretty good until the text.
As far as his work phone. I don't talk about it. He told me that when he got it a few months ago.
I have been working on myself by meeting up with friends. Spending time with my kids.
Thanks!

Hello NAP,

As a fellow second timer, I can honestly say I am so sorry to see you here again.

My H and I did the same thing - "reconciled" (if you can call it that) but he never wanted to address any R issues. Preferred to just ignore that it ever happened. And, the MLC eventually reared it's alien head again.

I agree with Job - it sounds like an EA with OW. And that one is difficult (based on my own experience 7 years ago). She's feeding his ego and building him up ... tough to deal with.

Job has good insight and gives awesome advice. There are a lot of others here who can guide you as well.

The rest of us ... well we are all good at moral support!

Breathe ... take care of you and the children ... take it one day at a time.

2T2M

Hi T2TM,

I read your sitch. We have quite a bit in common. I am 10 years older than my H. 40/50. And on my second trip. We did have a lot of good times in that last 7 years but here we are again..

I really think it is over this time. I feel different this time. I started out panicked and wanted to fix it but I am starting to see the reality of H drinking and cheating and I really need to move on. I think I want it to work because I am afraid of being alone, a failure and finances.
Oh, yes he definitely had an EA I saw all the texts. I don't he is still having one but don't know for sure. Or care anymore.

H wrote me a letter saying he was sorry about all the pain, mean things he did or said to me. He said that he is sorry for his beliefs that you don't have to work on a marriage. Said he must have been young and dumb. Sorry he doesn't want to work on our marriage, he is just over it and done. The strange thing is he has told no one about leaving. His family knows because I told them. My family doesn't just because I don't want to deal with it right now. I have friends that do.

H wants to be friend for the kids sake. I said (my bad) that we couldn't be friends in our marriage I don't see how we can be friends for them. All he ever cared about was spending time with his friends. I'd ask to do something and he'd say Oh, I am going to so and so's....
I told him I was getting an attorney and we could communicate that way. Since he wants to text and takes for ever to reply. Said he doesn't feel the need or need to text me back right away. When he decides to he said he will.....basically he does it on purpose to push my buttons.

I deserve better, life is too short and I need to spend time with my kids and move on.

H is mad because I asked him to get all his stuff out of the house and off the property. We have 3 acres. H said he doesn't have a place to take the stuff outside. Mean me said not my problem. You left so you need to take your stuff...
Guess I am a little mad today. I really need to be mad so I can get over him. If I don't remind myself of the bad the sad feelings move in.
Last time I tried to be accommodating and cheerful. I just don't want to this time. I really think I am done this time.

Wow, glad I got all of that out, ha ha..

I think I may be sabotaging my relationship subconsciously because I want out too?? Or I am just so damn mad at him I can't stop. Either way I am pretty sure we are done this time.

I will get my own life and take care of my kids!!

Yikes, I have a lot of anger and need to totally detach. I need to have very little contact until I can get myself together.
I know he is done and wants to move on, I get it and understand. I need to let him go and see what happens.
I will improve myself and make myself a better person and prepare to be on my own..
If something happens and he does come around I have to really think about the infidelity and whether I want to tackle that issue again. Trust is going to be hard. This is a real issue with me. My first H cheated and now my current H has again!
I just don't know if I want to go through this again...

I need to calm down and just let it go for now..Breathe!!!!

I was asked what happened prior to the bomb ILYBINILWY. Well here it goes.
My H had job as a paramedic. H work 24 hour shift. on this particular day he went over to our neighbors house and was drinking. When he came home I said I can't believe you disrespected me and went over there.
Back story...a month or so prior my neighbor had a garage sale and I bought something that belong to another neighbor and paid him. My H and neighbor got very drunk. Neighbor did not remember me paying him and said I was lying. Long story. I asked my husband to support me on that. He remembers me coming over with money but doesn't remember me actually paying him but was sure I did and told the neighbor.
anyway, after I asked my husband that he exploded. We had a nasty fight and he would not let me leave the house. It got pretty physicalI was able to run out of the house and take his truck to pick up my kids from practice. He got in my car and followed me and try to run me off the road. It was very ugly.
The next day he was devistated. I told him it was unexceptable. and not to make an excuse but he been up for two days and then was drinking. It wasn't in any way the norm for H.
We tried to work through it. Prior to H going to reunion where he reconnected with a classmate. which turned out to be an emotional affair for a few months. H came home from a shift and was very upset. Because he would pick up women who are abused by there spouse and he was having a hard time with that.
H then told me we could not be together because he never wanted to do that again.
That's what happened along with his schooling and training to be a firefighter/paramedic the past 3 years. Not being able to get a fire job. Finally getting one and the city put a freeze on it. This was 2 weeks after starting EA.

I want to say my H never physically hit me. He threw things at me. I was pretty bruised up .Not saying that is any better.

I was watching a rerun of Dr.Phil. It was about a couple and the H had a MLC. He had an OW for a few months and said he doesn't remember any of the day he left. He said he was crazy??

Anyway his W found OM and as soon as she did her H had a miraculous recovery.

This triggered something for me. My H 7 years ago when we went through this before had OW and broke up a couple of times. He was no longer seeing her but I found a Mr. Right Now not Mr. Forever.. All of a sudden my H had a change of heart and wanted to try again. This was after 8 mos.. That is how long it took me to date..

Not sure if that will happen again but....and not sure I would take him back again but I just thought I'd mention this and might help someone. I am not saying try to make them jealous but, whatever works. It's really about getting back out there and date ..

You need to allow him to complete his crisis. If you don't, he'll continue to return to it until he's finished or will stay somewhat lost for the rest of his life.

Please just leave him be. You can't snap him out of it. It has to be completed in full for him to become a more mature man. Yes, some do tend to come out of it if there is another crisis that will wake them up, but I can assure you, that sometime down the road, they will revisit Wonderland and Peter Pan all over again.

If you date, you date for yourself and for the company, not to snap him awake. The things you do such as changes you make are for YOU, not him. It's best to focus on you and your family and allow the man upstairs to work on your h.