Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Divorce on the table, Hoping for miracle

Last Resort letter is just that- the last resort. When it comes to this, you must know and be prepared that Divorce may be the outcome.

The last resort is for you.

It is not for the WAS and not a wake up call or a stab at reconciliation.

It is your last resort, so there are no R talks initiated by you after this point.

What were you hoping this letter would do? if it was to give you a little peace of mind in moving forward and help YOU come to terms with your path then I think it needed to be sent.

Any other reason is not a valid one my friend.

You registered approximately three and a half months ago and that is a blink of an eye.

To let you know, at that point H was not even in my life peripherally or really the kids. He had a girlfriend.

Six months after that, we got closer and then threw me under the bus once more, saying he wanted to try with GF and make a life with her.

That was the day I truly let him go.

Where we are now is a cautious time and we will see.

What I am trying to say is in her head, she is done with you and all you represent. Talking about division of assets etc. helps solidify her decision each time she can make it concrete in her head and in the room and she is telling you she is finished with you without having to keep saying it is over.

As far as assets, what does it look like? Do you know yet what you and she are both responsible for? What about custody or visitation? You need to know all legal aspects before having this talk. I would like to see if she knows what Divorce looks like financially for her. Most people don't, but truthfully, the WAS doesn't seem to care that much when they make that decision.

Kate,

I hear what your saying. My db coach suggested I write this letter and send it to her. This In light of her proceeding with divorce paperwork, and me confirming an affair.

I feel always conflicted on what to do... I'm trying to follow my coach's advice. But I also get conflicting messages from the forums.

Did I make a mistake in sending the letter? I have made it clear I don't want separation and divorce. I am 5 months into this since bd. I know that's not long but W is pursuing divorce now. OM is pursuing divorce as well. What am I to do?

OM is in the picture and there is nothing I can do until that runs its course. Anyway, I don't want to lose hope.

Groov

I was responding and then got the swirly ball of death, so this one is shorter-lost the last one lol!

Your coach must have thought, that for whatever reason you needed to send that letter.

We are all just people who have been where you are, some of us hard line DBers, others doing what works for them.

I am going to give you a sentence and you tell me why I say this:

It does not matter whether OM is in the picture or not.


Don't give up hope, of course not. But keep the majority of it for you

Because DBing is for me!

Groov

Wow you've gotten some really solid advice the last few posts Groov.

Your not far away from me actually, and I have a brother is SLC, wish I could come pick your buttt up and help you get started.

Its hard I know, its going to feel raw for a while still, let yourself grieve, cry, but don't hold it in, and don't let wife see it.

You have to start somewhere, sometime. Give yourself some small obtainable goals, start with just this week first. Or day to day if you have to. It might be a small jog around the block to start. Don't paralyze yourself with all the fear right now, vent. You'll feel better, slowly, but surely.

Thanks FlyOnTheWall.

[qoute:Fly]Its hard I know, its going to feel raw for a while still, let yourself grieve, cry, but don't hold it in, and don't let wife see it.[/quote]

I have been having a freakout session today. My fears have been really taking the drivers seat. As far as W seeing anything... She's not around... (WAW)



What am I starting...? Fear management... I am so trying to have faith. Monday's seem to always be tough as I have my kids on the weekends and an interaction with W. Tough to look her in the eyes and listen to her talk about D.

Groov

Releasing the fear comes with the GAL territory, and detachment.

It was certainly the hardest thing for me to start, I felt like if I went out, I was telling her I was giving up. But the reality of it is, its the space between both that's really just as important as the time together.

Did you ever go on a trip, or for work, where u were away from your wife for a couple/few days? Remember how glad you were coming home, how much you missed your wife.

Look, right now I know it hurts, but that time apart is really going to put some things into perspective, for both of you.
It might be just what you both need for a time. You might be a little too dependent on your wife. I know I was.

It doesn't mean your giving up, it just means your willing to give in, to the process. Its going to take some time, and if you do it right, you might just be given a chance. Its going to take work, so start. Somewhere, somehow to use this time to your advantage.

Much like what Fly says, in my experience the WA needs time to get over all the negative emotions of the M.

Once all that dies down they have space to look at things more realistically and by then if the LBS has made changes it becomes apparent that maybe the changes are real.

The WA might begin to be curious.

But that takes a long time, and most people aren't that patient.

Hi Groov,

I agree, great advice by everyone. I totally feel what you are going through, we all do. I have to tell you that you CANNOT lose hope. It might sound crazy, but I had a breakthrough this week in regard to my sitch. I prayed for it and I got it. Keeping it simple, I asked God to give me the strength to withstand the pain and for a reprieve. I told him it was fine if it didn't come in the form I was hoping (from BF) but just that I needed to feel like ME again and be stronger. I decided to stop contacting BF completely. Go dark. I prayed for the strength to go dark, with love. Lovingly detaching seems like an oxymoron , one that I couldn't grasp. It took 3 agonizing days, but BF contacted me, and I didn't respond! Whoa! I had it all planned out, what to say if he asked where I'd been. He did wonder why I hadn't contacted him, but didn't question me...just said he missed me and asked to see me.
I feel different. Empowered. For some reason, the decision to go dark never helped me before. But I didn't really go dark. I would still find ways to contact. I know you Cannot completely detach because of the kids, but you NEED to FORCE yourself to feel like your old self. So often we think we are changed by this and we ARE, but when we finally come out of our own sadness fog, we remember our worth, remember we are not all to blame, and remember that we control our own emotions.
You are still lettin W control yours. I did too until 2 days ago!!!! I might slide back tomorrow, but I don't think so. If BF wants me, great. I want him too. And I will say so because that comes from my heart. But I (you) need to feel like a new YOU.
That's one of the biggest changes I feel now after taking some control back. I feel like a newer, better version of the old confident me because I have learned humility and to act from love and heart. this time no contact for me meant loving myself where as before it meant torture from not hearing from BF. hope this is making sense.
I feel SO good today. You are going to feel this way too.
Groov, my advice now that you have given her a beautiful letter from your true heart...is GO AS DARK as possible. Your prayer time over the phone sounds absolutely amazing. Use this time to reach her heart but do not direct anything towards her. IMO, you are so lucky to have that prayer time. As far as divorce/asset talk, say what you want with confidence. Do nothing vengeful (no tattling to church) and you'll have no regrets. Do manipulate a little to ACT like you are ok with it, and have accepted it. She WILL wonder why, and she can detect your hesitation.
Keep any and all conversations short and ALWAYS have somewhere be.
You can do this, there is much much much to be hopeful for.

PS...I also meant to tell you that you will one day be too tired to keep it at the highly emotional level you are living at right now. In the last few days that I had detached, I got a bit of a head cold. I feel it was like a sign that I had finally let down my guard. Being sick, I did not have the energy to worry about BF anymore. So it was all very timely. I had no choice but to literally take care of myself. I'm not saying to go out and get germs... But take a deep breath and care for YOURSELF like you would if you were sick!