Ok my question is this. With the fact that the H wants to rebuild the M why is it so important to know what type of R they were having while they were gone? 2 years is a looooong time to be trying to work on the R. Does it change the way you feel about saving your M or your WAS?
Isn't it just good enough to have them back or on their way back? I currently wonder if my W has replaced me already only because then that would let me know if there is anything to keep holding on to or not. But if she came back right now, I know that I would take her back... but I wonder myself if confession is really good for the soul.
I know that everytime her cell phone would ring, I would be questioning in my mind who it was. The first time she was late from work I would wonder what she was up to.... etc. But why do we think like that? Why is it just not good enough that they are back? I do believe that all things are revealed in time and when we are REALLY ready for them to be.
But that is just my question. I am both happy and jealous of you at the same time and wish you the best!
Sue, Thanks so much for finding my post and responding. Your advice is so meaningful, as you have waded through all of this for a long time and are now climbing the uphill slope. Enjoy the views and pleasant moments along the way up.
I totally agree with T2 and LL regarding your H's coming clean and being so sincerely honest and vunerable. That's a wonderful sign....even if it brings up some pain and anger from the past. Re-reading DR was very, very smart....you have the tools at your disposal to put it all in perspective.
I'm kind of having a rough day today. ....come back to my post when you get a chance..
Thanks and keep on going up that mountain top....you are doing so well. Mooka
By the way, I'm praying your prayer for my H's happiness, with or without me....and that God will somehow, someday soften his heart so he can see his way.....he is LOST right now.
It doesn't so much matter what type of r they were having if it's in the past...what matters is their ability to be open and honest about it. (and who knows maybe my h is being honest about it I'll never know)
Mooka,
for what it's worth, during my seperation without knowing about "the power of the praying wife" or any other "special" prayers I found myself asking god to help h find his peace on a regular basis and for myself the strength to make it through.
Like Sue I am no preacher however if you have any type of faith at all it is important that your prayers not be of self fullfillment.
Sue is proof that patience pays...but all should know that their is a difference between blind hope and patience.
Bet you guys wonder why I have so much time here!!!H is coming later to do taxes...
T2--you are right about the faith...it has sustained me through these past years..and i have grown stronger because of it and my determination to not let this take my life away..to be able to keep moving forward...and this coming from someone who has had a rather low selfesteem..and pesimistic outlook. I do realize that h telling me all this is not what everyone recieves through this..and I am truly blessed..but then I knew he was special 25 years ago...
Wonder...It is so much easier to try and rid the mind and body of all the hate and anger..I am sure there is hurt somewher..maybe I have it buried..I am not sure..but with time ..it will fade..
LL...I was going to say that you have to let go of your twisted gut feeling that maybe your h had a pa..but I can't judge that feeling...it is real for you..I do look back with my h, and see that he had guilt..around me...that is why he did not come around too much..or was distant when he did see me...this is how I see it..Not all s are guilt ridden in the same ways...if you have no other reasons or proof that it was nothing more than an ea..then you have to work through those feelings..sounds so easy...I know it is not. I know you have struggled since he came back with issues..feelings..if he is openly willing to talk about them over and over, then that is good..I think I read that in the DR adultry chapter..I also took the book over to h last night and asked him to read that chapter..as it gave him tips about what comes next..
Marc..are you new around here??Welcome..you ask a good question..the answer is absolutely, for me, I want to know..every detail if I ask... Since I don't know your sitch..I take it she' not in the home? Even if she did have someone else..you can still decide if the m is worth waiting for...do you have the patience for it..could you forgive her.. I forgot to mention, that my h has not been with ff since just about the time he moved out..Nov.02..she found some other guy that was not m..and has money and gives her 24/7 attention..so his process without her started then...and he was still very distant with me..so I let him be.. I don't know how I would react if he told me he had just broken it off with her..knowing her sitch..I kinda knew that he was not with her...and really did not think he was with anyone else either...but it has taken him over a year, to work through it and face the truth. Had he not come clean about her..and since I suspected something several years ago..it would have been a wall between us.. would have wondered and that reaction would show through in the r..becasue for the first couple years..it was like that.. he said it was friends..now at least I have heard the truth from him.. Fill me in where to read your story...
Wow, Im so glad I found your post. I have been feeling a little discouraged in my sitch yesterday and today and have been trying to remember many positives to focus on, but hearing success stories like yours always makes me feel so much better! Especially when I see how long it took you. I am approaching 9 months, but only DB'ing for 3 months.
Id love to hear your feedback on my situation and I have the link below. I dont expect you to read all of it, but its nice to have as many cheerleaders that I possibly can!
I also appreciate hearing how having faith in religion has helped. I have strayed from church when things got rough, and recently I am trying to bring God back into my life. It seems that for most of the success stories I see, many have found hope in prayer and it seems to work so Im very excited to keep praying.
I wish continued success for you and a new relationship with your H will form that will be stronger than ever. Keep it up!
Anything worth having is worth working HARD for!
Making a New Move
Good day Sue and boy did your thread cover a lot of ground over the weekend. So if you would induldge me in making comments a few comments to some posts a while back...
Yes, it does happen that they can turn around that quick and when you least expect it. I'm sure you have read it before, but I don't typing it again, that I had a gut feeling I was going to be served papers in a week's timeframe so made an appointment with a lawyer ... only to come home from the consultation to CAW wanting to work things out. She gave me some insight as to why the sudden turn. The way she put it. She noticed the "new" me, but tried to first ignore "it", then resist "it", tried to convince herself "it" was real, but then she got tired of fighting it. Then she was willing to explore more about the "new" me. After awhile she decided it was worth a try, because she became convinced that I would handle "things" differently.
When CAW first opened up about her A, she wanted to offer more details than I had wanted to hear, and I, too, felt at odds because I was expecting to feel this furious anger for what she did, but it never came to be. When I studied it in further depth, I kept coming back to one point. That I had helped pushed her there ... that if I only made some change then, she would had felt such dispair that led her astray. I found myself blaming more what happened than her, so how could I be angry with her. Also, when I mentioned I didn't want hear all the nitty-gritty, I worded it as "... the less I know ... the better." Well, she took it as she didn't need to say anymore about it, kinda closing the door on that chapter and felt we should move on from there. So while talking to H carefully select your words so you may get what you need and leave the door open for a little while longer until you feel you have processed all the info you need to move on.
I also think you are benefiting from all the work you have done on yourself over the last 1� years. You have posted how you wonder if it was a PA ... thought about how it would affect you if he had ... and I believe had already reach the point where you had already forgiven H. So IOW, you did all your hard work up front to kinda cushion the blow when it finally came out in the open.
Well lookie there ... lunch is already over ... gotta go for now ...
HI..things are going so good..I am not sure it is really real...h went goes bowling Tues..and of course "she" is his partner..so he did not think I would want to go..but if I did, I could..at first I thought no way..then thought, yeah I want to see her reaction..she was not happy with h..after bowling she told him how he had blindsided her by not telling her we were back together..hello..she has new loverboy...does not have any use for my h now..and h said again that he sees how she used him...so it was an ok evening..I just looked at her with such pity..she is on a destructive path(alcohol)..and will hurt whoever gets in her path...what he really saw in her, I will never understand...had it been someone attractive...rich...classy..maybe those would be reasons i could see..but she is kinda on the trashy side...nothing like my h would ever pick to be with...
So..things are good...we have not talked about him moving back..I like having his apt. to go to..without kids around..I can come home if I want, or since kids are old enough..I don't have to if I don't want..we are doing what we never did 25 years ago..date..have a place we could be alone..spend more time together..TALK!!!!
Hoping, I think you are doing very well!! Im very happy to see you did not cause a seen with the OW at bowling! You are strong and you should be proud! Well, I think things sound very promising and its great you 2 are dating again. Just keep up the work and try to always learn new things on how to better your relationship. This is a never ending learning process for us. Best of luck to you always!
Anything worth having is worth working HARD for!
Making a New Move
Quote: ...what he really saw in her, I will never understand...had it been someone attractive...rich...classy..maybe those would be reasons i could see..but she is kinda on the trashy side...nothing like my h would ever pick to be with...
Exactly! You took the words out of my mouth! My H's OW is trashy also, scummy is more the word. I don't know what my H saw in her! I pictured my H with a skinny blonde...
My question to you is; Did you see signs that your H was going to come back and make this work, or was you surprised? Did it feel like a shifting?
I think you are doing great! And I loved that you went along, now SHE gets the message; loud and clear! LOL
I have never met nor seen my H's OW, don't want to either. I think it's great that you went with your H to bowling and didn't care that OW was there. Good for you.
So if you would induldge me in making comments a few comments to some posts a while back...