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I think I am also pissed because he is so content right now. Like he finally has the marriage he wants. He gets to do whatever he wants and I am off his back. That is so UNFAIR. He might never leave me if things stay like this, but I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS FOREVER!!

What are we allowed to ask? What conversations are we allowed to bring up regarding our sitches? I have some summer job considerations in the works, but before I can commit I need to know where I will be in life and where I will be living. He hasn't said a word about anything. I kind of think he is no longer interested in separating, but he is also not interested in repairing. If we separate I am out on the streets. I will most likely have to leave the county because I can't afford housing around here. And therefore accepting a summer job around here won't make any sense. The pay won't be worth the commute.

I know I still have time before it becomes a truly pressing issue, but it really [censored] to have no idea where things are headed. I am getting letters from employers asking for commitments and it is stressing me out. I hate the status quo, but at least there is predictablity in it.

You can decide right how where you're headed.

Do you want to take the job?

I felt the same way during the past year before we separated in Dec. W did whatever the heck she wanted. I didn't stop her. what do YOU want? I am beginning to ask myself the same question now that she's gone. If your H was not a factor (through magic he disappeared) who would you be and what would you do?

Good questions. I don't know what I want. I need money. The two summer options are to do what I did last summer, which means working with him. Or taking the summer program at the school where I work now, which I do want to do. The total pay will be slightly lower, but it will also be a shorter day and fewer weeks. And I wouldn't have to work with him. But if he decides not to renew our housing contract because he wants to separate, then neither option is workable. I would probably have to move in with my parents which is over an hour away, and the pay and the hours do not justify the commute. What I want is for us to stay together as a family and not plan move until we are financially able to get a nice place in the same general area.

I guess one thing I no for sure is that if the money is basically the same, I will choose to NOT work with him this summer. I am still waiting to hear about salary for the other opportunity but I think it will be about the same, a little less, but only because of a shorter day and shorter program length.

The other thing I want is to just find a better job all around. I want to make enough money to feel like I have more options. I still want to be with him, but it will be a lot easier detach if I wasn't so financially dependent.

I don't want to sway you, but you just stated what YOU want. ..."Or taking the summer program at the school where I work now, which I do want to do. The total pay will be slightly lower, but it will also be a shorter day and fewer weeks...."

About the Money side of things, please consider looking up a book called "how starbucks saved my life" About a very wealthy marketing exec who loses it all only to find himself in the process. It's a true story. It's a small book and can be read in a day.

You can't live your life based on what ifs.

All of life is uncertain, you've just had a huge lesson in that. Do what you need to do for you right now and the rest will work out.

Have you read the livestrong page on detaching? If not google it.

Money has very little to do with it.

You have an opportunity to create your own life, take it.

Paul, I will have to check out that book.

labug, I have read it. I feel like I have been forgetting how to do it though. I was really good for a while there until Christmas Break. I am back at work now, I am trying to find things to fill my after-work time now that my classes are done. I guess job hunting can and should be one of them. And of course, the fact that I have $4 to get me through until payday has sent me in a panic that is bringing out the worst in me.

Detaching from money issues. I need to learn how to do that. I used to be pretty good at in the past, called it "ignoring my problems" and it just got me in really bad spot. Things have been better since I started really paying attention and budgeting--even if that might have been what caused a rift in my marriage. But it is hard to find the balance between being in charge of my finances and panicking about them. I think a better job should be my first priority now that school is done.

The summer thing is still not set in stone. We aren't even sure they will offer it to us, or if they will try to find outside people who will do it for less. The principal is confident that we will have the option, but the district has been known to pull some funny business in the past. I am afraid to give up the other gig when I am not certain about this one, but time is ticking and I don't know how long I have to let them know. They already started asking for commitment letters. But still, I am guessing by April I should know. I guess my recent crash into pathetic-ness isn't really because of my uncertain marital future, I just keep lumping all of my stress together into one miserable package. And the fact that my main support person is not accessible to me is just making it worse. I just feel so alone.

I need to turn this around and get back my PMA.

So set the marital issue aside and work on what you can control.

Ok, so after a weekend of getting mixed messages from him I finally came right out and told him what I was worried about. Apparently he seemed surprised that I even thought that we were still planning on separating. How was I supposed to know he changed his mind about that? He never tells me anything that is going on his mind. So my marriage is not ending, but still has a long way to go.

We talked a bit about how we let each other down. He said this isn't a quick fix and he doesn't want me to change, which I don't quite understand. It seems like he doesn't want to work on the marriage but he loves me and doesn't want it to end either.

I want to improve our marriage. I am trying to connect to him but even though he is trying to be positive about that, I can tell I am annoying him. I need to somehow get back to the PMA, GAL, but also be available. I know I was doing that pretty well after Thanksgiving. Somehow I lost that and I realize financial stress is always the trigger that makes me become repulsive to him. The way we each react to the stress is a huge turn off for both of us. I don't know how to talk to him at all. Every conversation get's all muddied.

I know what my goals were at the beginning of this journey. I know it is time to go back to that. I need to take out DR again and reread chapter 2 and the chapters on piecing. I think I skipped by them before because I felt like those possibilities were a long way off.

I am also working on the "How to improve your marriage without talking about it" strategies, but I realize that the simple formula is a little too much for us right now. Six hugs a day is overwhelming and I feel like a PITA with that. But the other advice is useful. Particularly the "jump in his puddle".

Anyone have a good resource for how to talk to your spouse who hates talking? I want to talk about money. But that conversation always leaves me feeling anxious and him shutting down. I just can't find a good way to get us to work together on this.