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Had a terrible moment earlier today. H facetime'd the girls and couldn't get them off soon enough, his que that he has better things to do. So my head spiralled to the fact he's taking his new OW out. I had a terrible down moment and spewed to a friend. I sent her all the hateful things I wanted to send to H.

It isn't half what he deserves but it helped. I felt better.

I feel down again now that I'm going to bed after arranging the presents and preparing Christmas Day. Another day he won't spend with his kids. His choice.....fool.

I've had such amazing fun with them today. Time he'll never be able to regain. But this Christmas has made me realise he never really had it. Nothing has changed. I'm doing everything. He was just a companion that watched. I want someone that participates.

Nothing has changed.....keep going.

Sorry you are feeling down today Callie, but you are right... it's your H's loss that he isn't involved now and he wasn't very involved before. You know the blessing it is to have this time to spend with your kids, and it's a shame he can't realize what he is missing out on.

Sounds like spewing to your friend was a good tactic for you... whatever keeps you sane is worth doing, even if the strategy itself might seem a little crazy.

Merry Christmas Callie. I hope you and the kids have a wonderful say tomorrow. Embrace the joy that is available to you.

day^ Oh silly typos. lol

Hi CC,

I hope you and the kids have a wonderful day regardless of whether H is around or not.

I understand what you mean about 'nothing has changed' you do everything anyways and that you want someone to participate. This is a long process and that may happen with H in the future. Right now, as you know, they are in another world.

You are a strong and inspirational woman. I believe you and believe me...the OW...not worth a mention.

(((( )))))

Thank you. I'm struggling right now. I was right, he got me some new running trainers. He also got me a few other bits I've always wanted. Guilt I know but still had me spinning.

Now my head keeps imagining what he got her........off to run then cry in the shower.

But I have had fun with the kids. Must appreciate the day I've been given, others don't have it so good.

CC, I hear you.
The children are our gifts.
truly, our h's don't realize this is such precious and special time.
I am so grateful for my kids.
We had a first last night in as far as celebrating xmas eve. It was a lovely and special evening for us.
Really its too bad h misses out and doesn't feel the warmth and genuine joy of family.

the ow woman thoughts creep in my head too on occasion. but, she will never be me. really, she can't hold a candle to me.

she can't hold a candle to you!

She doesn't hold a candle to me. I'm beautiful. I'm kind. I'm warm. I'm loving and I have two very special kids. I've shown more compassion towards my H and others since BD than I ever knew possible.

I'm not perfect and I certainly wasn't before, but I'm pretty good. The anger, resentment and frustration is 99% not here. I have days when it is but I don't show it to H. I have bad days with the kids still, but that's a work in progress......one day!

She's an old slapper that's worked her way around the town will little success......but that makes me feel worse. My H would rather be with her than me. But that's ego....I'm bruised, I'm hurt. I need to be good to myself. Tomorrow I'll take time for me.

Today was hard....very hard. The missing space at the table. The text message that he formally signed off as if I was nobody to him. The thoughtful presents. The crying kids. The insensitive family. The silly comments. The hugs. The questions. Aaaaahahhhhhhhh.

And breathe.

It is so so hard. You are doing amazing. Seriously buy yourself a special treat.

One day your kids will know the whole truth and they will learn so much from your grace and diginity through these incrediablely difficult times.

I know you are right. But I'd be lying if I didn't say I thought of revenge sometimes.....one day I won't care.

CC... How do you do it? yes, my ego is bruised too. I take it personally that h would "rather" WORK on Christmas, and bury his head in the sand than to be with us!! GRRR How do you shrug it off and not take the rejection personally?

This is what I have been trying to deal with!!

Yes, today was hard... its almost over!!