Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Divorce on the table, Hoping for miracle

Groovshadow. I feel for you. I'm in the same situation as you. It's tough. Someone sent me this prayer a while back and I read it twice a day. I tear up but also puts me at ease.
"God our Father, walk through my house and take away all my worries and illnesses and please watch over and heal my family in your name, Amen. "
Good luck and I pray for you too.

Have hope for yourself and your life whether your W is part of it or not. Maybe that is the miracle, that you are saved rather than your M. Of course we all hope you reconcile, and that can happen even after D. But even if it doesn't, at some point you'll realize that you're going to have a great life no matter what.

Hi Groov!

I am so glad that my post was helpful. I believe this is why we are all here...to help each other. And I believe that we are all personally going through this because we are meant to be better people. So, giving a purpose to this pain is extremely helpful for me.

My sitch is so different in that I am trying to detach from my boyfriend. We lived together for 2 years, been together for 4. I wanted more verbal commitment from him than he was willing to give. And I pushed him away by shutting him out, and feeling hurt. I recognize my mistakes and I am fixing them. He never completely broke anything off, but talking about our R is a big no no. He lives with roommates now and seems so happy. We see each other and are intimate, but I am still worried that I will lose him. Things go really well and then he backs off for a bit. For the last week I have only heard from him a couple times. It is so weird. He still tells me he loves me and calls me by pet names. When he ran into a mutual acquaintance recently, he told him we were not broken up but just "doing our own thing". He is the one who told me about this conversation, yet he will NOT discuss his feeling with me directly, and he does not initiate much. Point here...I get glimpses of the "old him", and otherwise he is alien.

Another point in telling you my sitch is to say that I came here because I found DB when my husband left me prior to my current relationship. At that time I was devastated. It was out of the blue...or so I thought. We had been married 8 years, got married at 22. Looking back it was inevitable. He was never around, he was never supportive, and when he left he said he was not in love with me...he wanted to give me the chance to find someone who "actually wanted to spend time with and be around" me because he didn't. Ouch! I realized then that I was at fault for a few things...but overall, I was a faithful wife, and I just wanted to have a partner. My intentions were good, and loving. After DBing he came back to me. And I was done.

Now, as I write this, I realize in my newer sitch, things are the same. But I am harshly and continually beating myself up with the guilt of what I could have done differently.

We all make mistakes, but when it comes to relationships we cannot control the other person. We can be the most loving, helpful, supportive mate, or we can be a jerk...either way, the other person will want us or they won't.

I want my BF still, even though he is hurting me with his distance...and he still loves me, despite our issues. Does that translate to us being together right now? NO. Does that mean we have a future? Who knows..(I sure hope so). I am trying to say...you cannot figure our W out right now or ever, as nothing is certain. Although uncertainty is the horrible feeling that brings us all to this site in the first place, I am trying to think of this as a good, positive thing.

That is why it is important to stay positive, and create in our minds the outcome we want. Just because she is proceeding, doesn't mean it is final. Even if the divorce becomes final, you could still end up together one day.

She is confused. DB is a lifeline because of how hard this is...and you obviously get the concept. Continue to be a man that only a fool would leave. It sounds like you have that part down!

It sure still hurts when we feel rejected by someone who is supposed to love us, doesn't it? It will pass. Breathe.

I tend to be very long winded, I know, sorry! Once I get going it just keeps coming!

So, basically AS just said in 2 sentences what I was trying to say in my long winded post!

NM,

Thank you for your words.

Question:



You didn't take him back? Why?

HI Groov,

I didn't take him back because he was, and remains, a very verbally abusive person. I thought about going back so many times, but something kept me from doing it. When he would say he made a mistake, he was sorry, etc...I would say "Ok, what you can do now is go to counseling and get some help. I need to know that I am not going to go through this again." And he would reply "I know I messed up, I just want my family back and that is all you need to know." It went on like that for a very long time. To this day, he grovels in regret, and I have forgiven him long ago.

Even though it is hard to see when you are in pain, it is all meant to be.

I am having a hard time again so I think...why am I going through this again?? And I have to dig deep and remember the strength that I got through it with last time...it comforts me to think of the amount I will have when I am free from the pain this time, whether I end up with my BF or not.

Anyway, my did not want to come back until he thought I was really moving on. That's how this crazy game works. The reason it takes so long is because you can (and need to) "act as if", but when you are not acting anymore is when the other half knows they have a legitimate chance of losing you. It can't be rushed, unfortunately.

I am having a hard time with the holidays. Seems like everyone else is happy and I am miserable. I am trying to not allow this to take away my joy. For my sake and my kids'. They deserve me at my best

Have a good, healthy day GS.

NS

P.S. My mantra today is "I am worth more than many sparrows; my times are in His hands."

This is a long one:

Me: Hey, what are you thinking for the kids tonight?

W: Ward christmas party until 8. Can you still talk?

Me: Planning on getting the tree tonight with kids. I can talk anytime. How long do you want to talk for?

W: Not sure on time it will take. Just wanted to follow up with you on the papers and the numbers, if I missed anything, and see what you were felling.

W: Particularly with regards to the real estate.

Me: There are numbers that need adjustment. Actual numbers that are not reflected on the credit report. I have some ideas on the real estate to prevent taking a huge losses and perserving income.

Me: The last thing I want is you declaring bankruptcy.

Me: It does need to be considered though. As the cost of this will increase the out go of funds by 30-40 percent.

W: I'm willing to consider any avenue
W: What additional numbers?
W: Not sure what you're referring to?
W: 30-40%?

Me: Actual property payments. Asset/business interests. Assets held in inventory. Cost of maintaining two households. Support calculations. Day care, employment status and potential.

Me: These are things that need to be researched and decided on.

Me: Would it be possible that I may have the kids at 7pm?

Me: Would prefer to spend as much time with s4 and d6 as possible when it's my time to have them

W: As I see it, actual property payments stay the same, except for you, in a refi, your payment is likely to go down. Assets/business interest will divide with assets division, file jointly this year with 50/50 refund split. You're responsible for your household, me for mine, as I wouldn't expect you to maintain both. As far as support calculation go, those are calculated by the state calculator. Daycare and health are 50/50 split. As far as employment status and potential are concerned I would image yours will remain the same, unless you're planning to quit your job. I will likely increase my working hours, hopefully to hours the kids as in school, so as not to take away from family time.

W: You can absolutely take them, I totally understand missing them and wanting to spend the most time possible! I have responsibilities for the party tonight, if you can come get them that would be ideal. The party itself goes from 7-8. As soon as my portion is complete I can meet.

Me: I care about the future for you and the children. Want to make sure that we are not exposed to financial risk that would effect future options for you and the children.

Me: Thank you for the flexibility with tonight.

W: Thank you, and I agree! that's why I'm willing to consider any options.

Me: Your welcome

W: Have you taken the time to look over the paperwork?

Me: I have looked at it.

W: Do you find the numbers to be accurate? Aside from the AMEX bill.

Me: Not entirely

W: What is missing?

Me: Payment on one of the properties is to low

W: I thought 241 seemed too good to be true

M: Yep

W: Anything else?

Me: Jewelry

W: Business jewelry or Wedding ring?

Me: Both as they represent 11k ish

Me: Also business interest needs to be worked out for jewelry business and my realtor sole proprietorship. These are considered businesses.

W: Wedding rings are considers pre marriage gifts. Not considered marital asset. Businesses are separate. I don't want yours, do you want mine? Our marriage both gained and lost with both businesses. Seems reasonable to just keep them separate and be done with it.

Me: I see on the ring. As far as the jewelry business not sure... but these all affect income and child support.

W: I have made less than xxx/month with all of my income combined. xxx is what my earning potential is actually assessed at for child support purposes. you will see this with my W2s.

W: Anything else you can think of from the list?

Me: Are you really willing to consider any options?

W: Of Course.

Me: Not sure if this would work. But we could preserve the real estate by putting them in one business. We would have 50-50 ownership. Therefore we can split the income, and proceeds of sales in a good market. I want the condo. So I would need to buy you out some how. Thoughts?

Me: The real estate has always kind of been the retirement plan... Do me a favor and ask your lawyer about what we've discussed. See what our options are.

Me: On another note... the xxx property is ready to rent. So thats good news!

W: I actually thought about that myself. I, However assume all the risk, as everything is in my name. In addition, this arrangement completely locks me up financially. As you are aware my debt to income ratio is completely out of wack, and I have no support to buffer that. 50/50 would not be even exchange. Not to mention who manages and maintains to keep it even. I though about this option at length. I don't think it's the best solution truthfully. I feel like you don't really respect me from a business stand point, and even more so regarding real estate. It's been recommended to me that a "clean break" is generally the best solution for this sort of thing.

Me: Yeah, I can see you've thought about this. You definitely have all the risk and it would make it difficult to get other things with the debt to income. With our past interactions I can see why you would feel I haven't respected you in business and real estate. I don't blame you! It's crucial to feel respected!

W: Just not really sure how to make it equitable. Also, not really interested in being in business together. Historically speaking it wasn't a very good experience for me personally. If you'd like to know, I did talk to Lawyer about that. What it would look like on paper. He said that it's doable. He also said that in most circumstances, a clean break is desirable. Paricularly in this circumstance where I assume 100% of the liability and you assume none. If things go poorly, I pay the full price. You walk away clean, hence our discussion on bankruptcy. Again, that's not a recommendation or even on the table at this point.

Me: Yeah that makes sense.

^^^ was over text.

Treating myself to a nice dinner at a Hitachi grill. Then to pick up kids and get a Christmas tree.

Pretty tough text interaction up above. Keeping pma (supposedly). It's hard not to think the worst! But I'm not! Staying strong for my fellow DB'rs!

Had a spiritual experience this morning. How must God feel about all of us? He loves us... and yet let's us so what ever we want as we wander around on this world (fog). Feel very humble and meek thinking about that. Also I feel love, real love... this is all just crazy!

Groov

Groov,

That must have been tough! You were very good and positive. Well done in the validation department. I think this also gives some insight into the reasons behind some of her actions. She was obviously having a different experience than you when it came to your business interactions. I can relate to that as I have always felt that my XH never took me seriously in terms of financial/family decisions. He always knew better and more. Difference here is that he has never validated that for me, and he is incapable of doing that. Like I mentioned before, he was also very mentally abusive to me. This is why our sitch didn't work out. I know anything can happen, and this can go either way for you...but even after all that my XH did to me, I had many, many, many, thoughts of getting back together, even as recent as this last year. I knew it wasn't really going to happen because he is an unstable jerk, but I had the thoughts none-the-less. Your W may be confused, but there is no way that your PMA, and validating are going to go unnoticed. There is no way that after all this time together, she isn't worried about her decisions. The way I see it, this is your chance to prove to her that you are the one she can count on. Be strong and stable. Then, if things don't work out in the end...you will know it is not because you gave up.

You are growing. That is a very positive thing.