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This past thread was one of the toughest commentaries on a situation that is growing. I would not wish this on anyone who was in a marriage. When someone believes something is hopeless, they can be so blinded by dispair to any or all possibilities.

I have a daunting year ahead of me; I do not look forward to anymore challenges. I am very concerned as to where things are going, and I'm forced into a situation due to the realities of a marriage and man that I loved.

Far from perfect, it is so mind numbingly sad.
I can not imagine what the monetary cost of this divorce will be. I already have a very big taste on the emotional cost, on myself and one of my daughter's. The future will clarify the latent price of all of this .

I will be here for you during this difficult challenge.

I wish you the best of luck in getting through this.

{{{{{Ambi}}}}}

I'll be here too, in whatever small way I can be, and I know you'll get through this.

wr

I just posted a note to you on your other thread.

I'm here too in whatever we that I can help.

Well, my youngest just told me my oldest is giving her a Christmas gift. So I called her to see what was up. One of the reason's she stated she wasn't coming was due to not having gifts. Meaning she didn't have any for us and didn't want to receive any. I asked her if she had changed her mind and wanted to come out. She was blunt.

It turned into how she doesn't like me, doesn't respect me, and that she doesn't like it that I eat animals. She and I discussed judging and our history. She said she felt judged and then gave examples. I then proceeded to share that only one issue I was not comfortable with, the piercings. She tends to make up things to fit her arguments, if called on them she generally concurs.

I was the parent who saw her behaviors, and worked on them. I was bad cop. I knew when she was manipulative, untruthful, blah blah blah. I was also the parent who made her make amends, and deal with consequences, logical and natural. With all of this, I also was her staunch advocate. Cried when she was emotionally rejected by her peers ( privately of course ) and fought like Hell to make sure she got what she needed.

If it wasn't for everything that has been going on, I would have been far more detached. It was just the icing on my sh-t cake. I did bring to her attention where she is actually judging me, based on my beliefs, and practices and that she was acting out passive aggressively. Now I know why the chair incident at Thanksgiving.


Now I just got a phone call with her in a frenzied manic state, because when I told my youngest she wasn't coming , I gave her the reasons she gave me. She then proceeded to scream at me that I had no right to tell her why she wasn't coming....yadda yadda yadda. She ranted and screamed because my other daughter told her she was going to return her gift, so she would have some money.

This upset daughter #1, because it ruined her plans to give a gift to daughter #2. She was "proud" of herself...

She has been trying to purchase a relationship with daughter #2 for years now. Daughter #2 doesn't want a relationship with her due to several things. Being bullied and physically attacked as a younger child, her condescending treatment of her in front of peers. Also, her choice of alternative esthetics, piercings, gauging, hair color, lack of hygiene and choice of dress.

I discussed why my second d. really wanted to return the gift. Oh boy...MORE passive aggressive behavior. She hates conflict with older sister due to bullying, and past physical battery. She can't get a word in with the oldest, SOOOO she acts out in a covert manner. What a f-ing mess.

I can so clearly see the dynamics, and even with me and my H.

This whole family needs therapy, instead my youngest doesn't want to see anyone, due to lack of respect for the profession. She is a Chem. major and doesn't respect the psychology major's course load, and intellect. UGH @@

So I helped daughter # 2 with daughter #1. She recognized her behavior to older sibling was due to the second hand offense she felt. I suggested she didn't need the money as much as she thought , and she realized she too was acting out passive aggressively too!

It is really crappy when your self-esteem is shot over your H. and marriage, then the daughter you worked and sweated over has so more issues than God. I had lovingly detached from her, I knew she had to grow and work through her issues.

I know she is trying to pull away, for socio-emotionally she is a teenager. She is miserable, obese, cannot maintain friendships for long, combative, controlling , and insecure. I feel for her, but there is no longer a thing I can do for her.

I guess this is going to be the worst year of my life. I am so tired of being rejected by the people to who my heart goes out.

I have set up attorney visits today as well. It is just gut wrenching. I can see why people think divorce will make it all go away. But it won't. I'm scared, I'm lonely, and I don't know where I'll be living or working. I really hate my life right now.

I just want to curl up and die.

This is the response from H. to the response I finally sent:

As I said, I don't know why you think my xxx email is blocked to you.

Christmas for the girls will be pretty bare this year. Both of them had issues with their cars last week. 700 for daughter #1 and 500 for daughter #2. I told both of them..... That's Christmas. I do plan on getting AAA memberships for both girls as well. I will make sure they know that everything comes from both of us.

Every 2 weeks 3000 gets put in the xxx account. The mortgage is about 3000. I keep planning on paying but... Cell phones, heat, living expenses, school etc. something seems to always come up that leaves less than 3k to make the payment. There is about 8,000 left in my IRA which I could pull.... It creates a tax bill that I will have to deal with eventually and when it's gone.... There is no safety net.

I think the best thing is to initiate a sale. Even if it ends up a short sale. Drag out the process while trying to bank something from the $$ every two weeks

Again, I hate doing this during the holidays but I really feel I need to NOT give you false hopes.

================================================================

Well now I know where a ton of money just went. God help me.

I don't know how to respond.

I want to let him know I could sell some equipment, I'm getting closer to a job, and that I want to take in a boarder.

This will let him know that I can raise some money. He is thinking I'm not doing anything on my end, and I am.

I know I can start doing esthetics from my home soon as well. I want to respond quickly, so he'll pay the bill fast!

How should I phrase it? Also, I could take in kids and go from there.

There are options, and I could go through property settlement instead of initiating divorce. The only reason to initiate divorce is to force payment. He is still working with me.

I want to phrase things so he is more amenable and doesn't see things as hopeless.

Calling all vets, if you aren't already into the nog!

You don't need to right this second. You are spinning and rightly so. I'd recommend sleeping on it. Respond when emotions aren't so high.

Hugs.

Take it one thing at a time Ambi. You have a lot going on, I'm so sorry to hear this. To look at it all in one big pot will make it difficult. One thing at a time...breathe...You can do this. You can make it through.

oh Amba, I'm so sorry that things have gone from bad to worse. This must all be so overwhelming to you right now. So terrible. I know that you know in your heart that your daughter does not dislike you. Well she may dislike your evil meat-eating ways, but I'm sure that she can see how supportive you have been of her always. And holy crap, did she ask you to keep your conversation private? Why oh why would she be so angry that you told her sister the reason she is not coming for Christmas? Maybe therapy would help the lot of you, you poor woman.

I am sure no vet, but maybe it would be good to let H know that you will do what you can to contribute financially. A divorce is going to cost you guys a fortune, maybe a property settlement would be better. But if you sell your home, where will you guys live?