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Is it just me, or does anyone else feel uncomfortable talking or having a real conversation with WAS. Does it feel like your talking to a stranger and sometimes don't know what to say? It does to me, and Im hopping to get some advise, and maybe give some along the way.

For example, maybe we could start a Happy conversation by asking...

"So if you could go on a trip anywhere you wanted, and money was no object, where would you go?" (I would go to the Great Barrier Reef) ....Oh really, I never knew you liked to Dive.. etc etc...

or

If you didn't have kids where/what do you think you would be doing with your life?..(Oh I would probably...) Well you still could..?

I know Im personally struggling with this, and not sure if this is productive, but figured I would throw it out there. Feel feet to chime in, anyone/everyone.

Happens to all of us.

You have to rethink of your spouse as someone you've just met. Go back to how you got your W to open up to you in the beginning when you were dating. Slowly try that approach.

I have the exact same feelings and while I see the point in MrBonds advice it will be very difficult for me to actually carry this out in real life.

I wouldn’t even know what to say, but maybe I will get there one day...

You are definitely not alone with this!

Yes! It is hard because you can't complain, whine, seem controlling, talk about your R or your future, or ask any questions about your WAS.

That doesn't leave much . . . .

You have to remember that depending what stage or point your was is at they may not have interest in talking with "you", they may feel only hurt and anger, not having any interest in talking about happy things...

Before BD I had questions written similar to the ones you exampled....after BD I scrapped them because they seemed more like obvious "getting to know you" questions and could help in my WAS feeling like we dont know each other ( our C gave us a quiz during one of our sessions that had questions like "do you know your S's favorite color/movie....or do you know their core life beliefs") I did well on my quiz about my H....my H did terrible; mainly because I dont do "favorites", but he didn't see it that way...he saw it as he didn't know me.

After BD instead of those types of questions, I became more aware of things I saw on TV or read that reminded me of my H and I made a note of it for when we did talk....so I could bring up the subject and have a fun or intellectual discussion. For example my H works in the medical field...there was a news report on surgeons who auction off their services online for a much lower cost then going through the hospital. I brought it up in one of our conversations naturally when my H was talking about work.

Sorry for rambling...but yes what you are feeling is normal...so if you do it, I'd say be natural about it....and try to key in on her interests more than "what would you do if you could..." type questions that may help put ideas in her head...if you get what im saying.

The examples you used are WAY deeper than I get into with my WAW. I keep the convos very light and fluffy. Stuff about the kids, the weather, her health, etc.

My WAS shuts down with questions like what trails have you found for your new bike, and what's your new job like, so I think this topic varies a lot with the individual WAS and the state of the relationship. IF your relationship is very friendly and you spend time shooting the breeze, then the questions like what would you do if... might be good, if a little contrived. They sound like party ice-breakers, or like questions my hairdresser asks me when I'd rather be reading trashy magazines.

Paying close attention, like Mimi suggested, to items that would be of interest based on what you know about your WAS, seems best to me because it's individualized, not a cookie cutter sounding approach.

Thanks for the responses. I think Im putting too much thought into this.

Mrbond- It does feel that way, like Im just getting to know her.

Fartiltre- I obviously dont even know what to say either.

melissag- SOOOOO true. Doesn't Leave much at all.

Mimi- your right, who knows if WAS even gives a RIP what I have to say I dont think I do it naturally. I like your approach, Its Real, its natural. thanks

adinva- I couldn't agree more, they are very cookie cutter. I think we all can agree that Mimi summed it up best.

Thanks again everyone.

ROTFLOL!!! That is my favorite quote for today