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Well, you know I'm big on validation and your message is loaded with it, but I'm not sure it's appropriate. Frankly it comes off as doormat-ish. I think you need to shift gears, you're now negotiating D terms so it's not the time to be all nicey-nice to her. I would keep things BRIEF and BUSINESS-LIKE:

"W,

I was under the impression there would be a minimum of $20k to a max of $40k (depending on selling price) in equity leftover after all closing costs and such. How have you determined that there is no equity?"

That's it, nothing more really needs to be said at this time.

Regarding your retirement accounts, don't offer her ANYTHING that she's not asking for. You will NOT gain any brownie points from her, she's more likely to think you're being a pushover.



Oh wow, isn't she a saint!! You can live in YOUR house until she decides otherwise through her infinite hospitality, LOL! I would not reply to this AT ALL. She can't kick you out of your own house.

Here is my suggested edit on that 2nd part:

"The reason I feel that numbers are objective and the best way to be fair during the division of property is that I too, like you am hurting. I know you were honest and blunt with me before, and I do need to be with you too as well.

You stated you felt deceived by me from Day 1, and previously stated multiple times that I did not adhere to our vows and thus shattered your dreams. I do not pretend to know exactly how you feel, but I am experiencing the same circumstances. We made vows of "in sickness and health, for better or worse, until death do us part" not until adversity do us part.

I admit that I did not adhere to my vow of forsaking all others, as I was having an emotional affair. Right now you are not living out your vows either. You told me repeatedly before we got married that "divorce is not in my vocabulary." The woman I married and intended to spend the rest of my life too has gone back on her vows as well. My dreams are also shattered at this point, like someone took a big eraser to my vision of my future. I am not saying I didn't give you lots of reasons to do so, but those are the facts as I see them. We both did not stay true to our vows for different reasons. I was in a deep depression and needed my wife, and she abandoned me emotionally.

This is why I think that the numbers are the best way to do this, we are both really hurting and emotional. I know that was blunt, but I needed to say it. I feel that during our relationship, we were both avoiders, which is why we never talked about issues and thus never fought at first."

Don't send any of the struck-through portions

KDog,

I've been keeping up with your sitch and wanted to chime in with a question.

A question: Is the mortgage in both your names? Deed?

The answer to this key question will inform your response to your W. We can help you formulate an email response to your W. Keep posting drafts here for feedback and suggestions. The main thing is to keep it KISS...Keep It Short and Simple.

What does this mean?



Whatever you do this is business, STFU works well here but that
being said, be honest with her about the numbers.

I think you might be foundering because you don't know who you want to be right now. What does KdoGS want to show the world?

Thanks for the feedback, I am still going to go with validating her.

I will not send the second part of the paragraph, I changed it around and will re-post it for opinions.

I am not being a doormat, and I know she can't force me out of the house. The deed is in both names and so is the mortgage. I have never agreed to her refinancing it in her name, she said she was considering it. I can't imagine and lender financing her with having to purchase new transportation as well. But mommy and daddy are most likely footing the bill and co-signing.

Also, I am paying mortgage and everything myself. Just paid 2014 HOA dues, I'm keeping all receipts. She will never be able to buy me out without a cash out refi which will make her monthly payment un-doable. She doesn't know that though, or have an idea of electric, sewer, water, etc.

Thanks Wonka, yes it's in both of our names. I make double what she does and I couldn't get approved on my own. So no idea how she's going to buy a car and a house, but not my problem!

That means that she is trying to walk away 50/50 with EVERYTHING we have, when we came in to the marriage with probably 90/10 in my favor. She is not considering the $18,000 I put down on the house. The $10,245 from selling my vehicle. The $46000 in my retirement accounts that I accumulated before the wedding day. I think she is trying to make her perfect life without actually looking at the numbers. I think this is like "emotional damages" of a civil suit. The numbers are objective.

Have you retained a lawyer, KDog? I don't think you can trust nor expect your W to uphold her side of the bargain. Time to put on your business hat, as we say around here, and protect your assets.

HAHA! I knew this, but it felt good to write it out

Yes I do, we're trying to figure out as much as we can on our own. Which is why I am being so civil and want to continue to validate her.