Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis House sold, got new one, family breaking up....

" I Gotta Name " - Jim Croce


Like the pine trees lining the winding road
I got a name, I got a name
Like the singing bird and the croaking toad
I got a name, I got a name
And I carry it with me like my daddy did
But I'm living the dream that he kept hid

Moving me down the highway
Rolling me down the highway
Moving ahead so life won't pass me by

Like the north wind whistling down the sky
I've got a song, I've got a song
Like the whippoorwill and the baby's cry
I've got a song, I've got a song
And I carry it with me and I sing it loud
If it gets me nowhere, I go there proud

Moving me down the highway
Rolling me down the highway
Moving ahead so life won't pass me by

And I'm gonna go there free

Like the fool I am and I'll always be
I've got a dream, I've got a dream
They can change their minds but they can't change me
I've got a dream, I've got a dream
Well, I know I can share it if you want me to
If you're going my way, I'll go with you

Moving me down the highway
Rolling me down the highway
Moving ahead so life won't pass me by
Moving me down the highway
Rolling me down the highway
Moving ahead so life won't pass me by

Love that song.

Floyd, why is it you expect her to react rationally to the divorce or any other normal part of this?

Really? I doubt you'll see "normal" reactions to anything for at least the rest of your life, when it comes to her. If you do, bonus. But I doubt it.

That said, why make an offer that goes above and beyond? Is there a strategy there? 'Cause if not, it's not a good idea. In fact, you might be better to go with reasonable or less than reasonable so you can negotiate from there.

While she'll take all she can get from you, it may not be about the money, have ya noticed? That's more of a bonus and a way to keep score

Adjust.


AJ

Great points AJM. Thanks.
You're right, she will never be rational.
I just want this done.mit has been too long and painful. I'd like to move on. So if it's not about the money, what is it? She has her freedom as she wanted. She has the end of the marriage as she wanted. A sick sense of control perhaps?
Adjust? What do you mean and how?

Hey brother, if she is not rational, why would the divorce and her freedom be what she wanted? What makes you thinks she's happy about it - her telling you that she is? Her acting like she is around you?

I submit that her actions say otherwise. She wanted them to make her happy, perhaps. She wanted to be gone, perhaps. But did those things make her happy with herself? Doubtful. Those weren't the issues apparently.

So, the only thing she has left is to pour out her anger on you and go after the Hallmark idea of happiness. For now and for the foreseeable future. Maybe for the rest of her life. Who knows?

That's what is. The question is when are you going to see the what is vs. the what should be? When you do, you'll adjust how you behave, react, feel, etc.

I'm not saying it's right. I'm not saying I'm right. But I am saying that your approach to what is seems to be aligned more with what should be and what she said it is. That doesn't seem to be working for you.


Make sense?

AJ

Thanks brother. What should be I guess is to wrap this up. That's what she claimed to want. It's been almost 2 years. Now her stalling is to upset that process and frustrate and hurt me more. She won't get to her Hallmark idea of happiness by making it worse by dragging. So if she doesn't then I feel trapped in a sense. I cannot control the process at this point....that is why I put the offer out....to make it go away. If she did not want this and she is unhappy about it, or herself then she should not have.

Lots of "shoulds" in there, FM, and those keep you stuck, keep you from accepting reality as it is...

I had to spend a lot of time re-thinking "shoulds". Glad I did, it's freeing.

I think I am stuck because I accepted it and moved to deal with it all and give her the release she wanted and it still isn't closed up morebthan a year and a half later. Stuck too on what she should do but clearly that I cannot control or influence. Gotta let her grip on me go. So tired of being controlled and a lightening rod fior her issues and I let it happen. I pray she just deals with it and settles. I don't think she will. Definitely not soon or amicably.
Went on a date tonight. Was nice...dinner, a couple drinks, reminicing. Have known this girl since we were 16 (33 years). Was a nice time. Says she'd like to go out again and gave me hug and peck on cheek. Hope she meant it. She knows I liked her in high school and university years. Don't want to be a 'void' fill again like the last one.

T2 is right. A lot of "shoulds".

See Floyd, when you get away from the "shoulds" you get free to see the "what is" without expecting a "should" like you control the system or something. Or like it's a science.

When it comes to this, it's not a+b+c=z It's more like "I can only control the value of a. What happens after that, happens and it'll be ok. It'll be what it is."

You might want to wait on the dating a bit, until you get more settled. I get that you're lonely and angry and your ex is still trying to actively hurt you. That may not be a good time to get into a relationship with somebody. It may get in the way later.

Just a suggestion.

By the way, my ex is starting to calm down more and more these days. Her attacks have calmed down both in tone and frequency. Not that she's done, but it's far less caustic than it's been.

Know what changed? Me. I stopped responding. I stopped engaging. Period. I kept everything to just business and she eventually had no choice but to begin doing same.

Along the way, I let go of even more that I was holding on to. I became more free than I had been. Not that I realized I could be, but it happens

AJ

I always sucked at math. Lol.
I get ya though. So friggin hard though.
Funny thing is, my life hasn't really changed in the lonely sense...I had been lonely a few years before BD. just never addressed it.....That was my fault because in hindsight, seems she was too. I do like the company. I just ended a not-so-serious relationship with someone last week. Was about 8 months. She was definitely too young, and too immature for me and that was frustrating but liked the attention and affirmations i suppose. I don't handle lonely well.

why not?