I tried to make a list of events, conversations, developments, etc. to try to create a timeline so I could tell where we were at in the process of her MLC. Trying to predict where we were so that I could look into the crystal ball and decide how much longer I had to endure things. Bad move.
A lot like trying to nail a liquid, moving cherry-flavored Jello onto a solid surface!
Mmm... Jello-on-a-tree! Now if only we had some sacred cow, medium and a cold cup of reali.. oh wait. Wrong thread
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I tried to make a list of events, conversations, developments, etc. to try to create a timeline so I could tell where we were at in the process of her MLC. Trying to predict where we were so that I could look into the crystal ball and decide how much longer I had to endure things. Bad move.
A lot like trying to nail a liquid, moving cherry-flavored Jello onto a solid surface!
Yep. I am learning more and more every day to back away from the storm. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I've got something stuck in my head now anytime I start watching her actions and really looking. I have started imagining the police officer at the scene who is constantly saying "Move along. Nothing to see here." In a bored and monotone voice, BTW.
Along with that, anytime I feel myself walking into the room or a conversation or a situation I know won't be productive, I hear the Beep, Beep back up sounds of a truck in my head. It tells me to move away cautiously.
It's good to laugh. This woman is crazy. What else am I gonna do?
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Doesnt sound ridiculous at all, J. Whatever it takes to help you along, is all good.
I was thinking about what some of the others wrote. While I agree that one shouldnt analyze the MLCer, because, no one really knows what their crisis is about except them, I do not think it is necessarily a bad thing to think about their past a bit.
I know for me, understanding my xh's life events allowed me to feel compassion for him. I didnt dwell on them, nor could I know how much of them brought him to where he was. But, it did allow for some introspection on my own life's events and how they have affected me.
Detach yourself from the things you do not control.....Such as the emotional car accident happening right in front of you called your wife. I know it is hard, but keep up the work. Much like an accident on 26....Get frustrated by the traffic jam, give a quick glance as you drive by the firetrucks, and then accelerate away towards your destination...which is finding yourself or one of those great microbrew pubs in town. I recommend the LAB by the way.
I like your focus on the business with your Dad. I think that you may find a lot of who you are at the moment is defined in that relationship. Some may be good, but other parts may be holding you back. Learn from that relationship to adjust your future.....You will be surprised if you dig deep enough into that area of your past at what you find.
P.S. My old buddy Jack....I know you are there.....How has your day been my old friend?
Must share my day with everyone here. Awesome experience and a great lesson in what matters.
Helped to chaperone a field trip today to one if the distribution centers that sends shoeboxes out to needy children around the world at Christmas time. Took an incredible group of teenage kids who were so excited some if them could hardly sleep the night before. We were volunteering in the processing center where the inspect the shoeboxes, add to them, and pack them into containers for shipping. I was overwhelmed by the amount of people there today giving their time to this operation. This place sends over 40,000 shoeboxes out the door every day during this season. Amazing!
We worked for around 2 hours and the kids were disappointed when our shift was over. (My dozen girls stayed 5 extra minutes to finish off 2 more big boxes.). We got to shout and cheer when we filled up a big box ready to ship. Kids love that stuff.
Rewarding part for me: watching do many people giving the gift of time and love reminded me that we choose every day how we let our circumstances define us. I choose to feel good and do good things.
Other wonder: for 2 solid hours I watched 12 teenage girls not touch their cellphones and enjoy doing something wonderful. They talked, laughed, listened to one another. There is hope for future generations!
I was filled with so much happiness and hope today. There are great things and great people in our lives. We are great people who can choose love and happiness every day. It's a great choice and it's ours to make.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Examining the example that was set by my father for me to follow as a man today. As I look back on the tools that he had as an adult and therefore passed to me, I understand more about myself. I mentioned some things a couple of posts back about him.
My Dad: Adopted late (almost 2 by the time he had a home), father died when he was 18, etc. Became a very insecure adult. He was defined by my mother and me. He had zero life or identity of his own. He needed our approval very badly. Mom was always very superior to him. Never nasty, just better. She always knew everything. Smarter, made more money, took care of everything, and he let her. This was all he knew. He was never in control. He loved spending time with me and showing me how to do man things. Mow the yard, change the oil, build shelves, paint, plant things, etc. This was our special bond.
What I learned: "Be respectful to everyone." My Dad had incredible manners and taught me those. "Don't connect to your family." My Dad called his mother once a week and we visited her about once a month. "Never express emotions." I remember vividly seeing my father cry 2 times in my life. "Work hard". That's all my Dad did. He worked his job and worked hard at home. "Never say ILY" Actually got this from both parents. "Support everything your kids do" Dad was always there and supported everything I ever wanted to do. "Never question your W" My dad NEVER stood up for himself and NEVER argued with my mother.
Unresolved: Mom moved out on my 21st birthday after giving Dad the "I don't think I ever loved you" speech. I was really bombed. Dad fell apart. I have said many times that he missed the ultimate opportunity to be my hero then. We disconnected as he went into depression and went out to a local club regularly instead of being there for me. I wasn't there for him either. We both dropped the ball, but we didn't know any better. When I became a husband, father, & man of my own, Dad and I didn't know how to reconnect. He died in 2007 of cancer at age 57.
I have carried a lot of misunderstanding and guilt because of our relationship. I have felt like I was a bad son, especially in the end. I have felt like he abandoned me emotionally in a great time of need.
Resolved: I loved my father. He was a wonderful man who taught me many things, good and bad. He loved me. I was his pride and joy. He never knew how to say it and I couldn't accept it. We both did what we knew in our own times of crisis. I thank him for being the best Daddy he could. I will see him again. The last words I said when I spoke at his funeral were "You were my hero."
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Yes, your daddy loved you in the best way he knew how. He did the very best he could. He had a lot of stuff, just like we all do. He did what he learned. He acted the way he was taught.
Sometimes feelings are best shown in actions and not words. He showed his.
J, he knew you loved him. He did. Thats how parents are. They just know.
You will see him again. Until then, honor his memory in your own relationship with your children.
Good stuff...very good stuff. I see a lot of your father's life mantras in your posts. You seem to be a good man and a strong supporter in your household and community. So my question to you is not what do you do as a man, but why do you do it? I don't need the answer either....only you do.
Awesome post on the shoe boxes.....It is wonderful that the girls worked hard to support a venture outside their own interests. Especially one with such a great message. Kudo's to them.
The first step is seeing things for what they really are, and putting a realistic perspective on them....
So, go get a bottle of Scotch, two shot glasses, and take a trip to "see" him....
Sit there and talk to him about where you are with this, and how you feel about this, and him. Tell him what was good, and tell him what was bad, and thank him for all that he gave to you.
Everything in life is a lesson...we get to choose what we keep as good, and what we keep as bad.....
From what I have read , there is a lot of him in you..
