Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Rise & Shine III

For a long time, I have had my H on a pedastal. I have been so desperate for things to work out that I stopped looking at who my H really is. I think that things are starting to change and I am looking at H in a new light. It is making it difficult for me to even be around him. My h cannot take criticism but he is great at giving it. He is also constantly trying to make himself feel better. I know that at the moment H is threatened by me on several levels. But he knows that he makes more money than me. So he is constantly reminding me of that. The other day he mentioned putting money in our joint account. I mentioned that my bonus should go in too since I met my hours. He smuggly said "that's pretty good. I out three times that amount into the account.". He is not mean but the comments ate just uncalled before. I don't do the same thing to him.

He is starting to make me sick. I can't stand to be around him anymore. I am pretty sure that these comments are really about him and his insecurities but I really don't want to be around someone like this anymore. Maybe it is just filurther proof that I need to keep distancing myself and continue to detach. I just know how much of these comments I can take before I really start to hate him.

3-sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. I think many of us LBS put our WAS on pedestals. We are scared and often blindsided. We have a tendency to remember all the good times and memories while they launch an assault at us with all the bad...and rewrite history to boot.

As we DB and slowly detach (even if it's a struggle) I think we see the bloom is off the rose, so to speak. We begin to see not only the situation we're in, but have a new outsiders look at our WAS contribution to the mess. Then, we see how they are handling it and it hurts even more.

You are not alone, 3. You have been such an uplifting spirit on these forums. I know you will power through

3 I had a talk this week in therapy about the same thing. The fog of the LBS is lifting and I am really starting to see H for who he is now. I am looking at his actions and ongoing lies and think he is just sad ( as in pathetic). I also feel the other kind of gut wrenching sadness when I see his increasing alcohol problem affecting relationship with kids.

You def need to keep detaching. The anger and hate won't do much for him but will only make you sick and miserable.

I agree that many of your posts have been so positive and inspiring. I hope you can have a fun and relaxing end of year with your kiddos.

I think there's a cycle to these things. Ride it out and see where you are as things continue to unfold.

It does help with detachment.

Hi 3, I can empathize. I have gone through some phases like this, too. It seems I am either putting my H on a pedestal, or I am thinking about every last thing that I can't stand about him. I think the reality is somewhere in between. I agree with bug, you may feel like this for a while, or maybe not. I think it is good to remember that your H is not perfect - we tend to forget that because we focus so much on our own flaws, so our WASs end up on a pedestal.

On another note, I don't think that you need to accept being treated poorly. Why not tell him that the comment was hurtful and uncalled for? (In the nicest way possible.) Or ask him what he is feeling that made him say something like that?

Thanks All! I think for the longest time I have just been trying to not rock the boat. My H used to say comments like this to get me upset and then it would lead to a huge argument. Over the past couple of months, I have just ignored these comments since it did not seem like it was worth getting in a fight. I think that I am getting to the point now that I can say something short and sweet (i.e. that was hurtful and uncalled for) and simply move on with the conversation without getting into it. I know that I have grown enough to do it and maybe it is time for me to call him on his crap.

On a separate note, I had a great conversation with DB coach the other day. I wanted to write it down for my own reference in the future. We were talking about the boundaries. She said that setting boundaries is such a hard thing to do because it is scary and risky. She said that she sees so many LBS not set boundaries because they are too afraid and/or because they think that things have improved since BD and dont want to mess with anything. She said that the LBS allows the WAS to live in their fantasy land and actually enables the fantasy. The WAS is allowed to have the best of both worlds and never feels that they are in jeopardy of losing the LBS. She said that after a period of time the LBS eventually gets frustrated, gives up and files for D without ever setting boundaries. At that point, the WAS is forced out of fantasy world and for the first time has to process what it may be like without the LBS. However, it is generally too late because the LBS is done. She said that she believes that some of these M would have been saved if the boundaries had been set before the D was filed. She said that she always encourages the LBS to set boundaries before throwing in the towel.

I thought that it was interesting because my H told me that he did not even consider losing me before I set the boundary (which I did for myself). He said that he always just pictured having the best of both worlds (his single life on one side and me/kids on the other side). Um...hello..I dont think so. I am glad that I have had my coach and all of you to helping me navigate this journey. I have no idea where I would be without DBing.

That is very good insight 3. I really need a boundary for my H. He is still living in fantasy world. I'm not sure how to do it right now. Maybe I'm not ready.

Glad to hear you session went well. Thanks for sharing this with us.

3, I think you're doing great, slowly moving forward.

You're starting to experience the power that you have over your life.

3-you mentioned boundaries of H at your home. Not showering, etc. What are some other examples of boundaries that you and others reading this post have set?


Thanks for sharing your DB coaching experience with us. I have decided that with all the changes of my sitch, I will set up more DB coaching appts, too.

After weeks of doing a really good job enforcing my boundaries, I completely threw them out the window over the holiday. And I actually think that I am ok with it. I was determined to have a good Christmas with the kiddos and just live in the moment.

Monday night, my H asked me to go see a movie with him on Christmas Eve morning. I agreed. I dropped the kids off at my in-laws house, picked up H and we headed out to see Catching Fire (loved it). The last time we went out together right after BD, it was a disaster. Everything was normal, nothing crazy and no drama. After the movie, we headed back to my in-laws house to open presents and then to attend their annual Christmas Eve party.

After the party, H came back to our house so that he could be here when the kids woke up on Christmas morning. We put the kids to sleep and went downstairs to set up for Christmas morning and to put the kids drum set together (may be regretting that present soon). We shared a bottle of wine and started talking. We talked, hung out until 4 am and eventually ML.

While it may have been the complete opposite of DBing, I was ok with what happened because I am at a point that I don't have any expectations that things will change. It simply felt good to see that H was still attracted to me and that there could be passion between us. We did have a SSM and I was pretty much pregnant the last few years which really did not help. H looked at my body as a baby/nursing machine. I know that H had rewritten our history and convinced himself that we never had a passionate, intimate relationship. Heck, I don't fully blame him considering that I seriously could not remember the last time that we ML. I was a good reminder to me (and maybe H) that the past couple years did not represent our entire relationship and any possible future relationship.

Things are back to our new normal now and I am ok with it. Even if we dont R, this Christmas Eve/Christmas with my H and our kids will hold a special place in my heart.