Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis It is well with my soul

Wishing you all the happiest holiday season, and requesting prayers. 

My H has been totally obnoxious and nasty this past week, and seemed to take great pleasure in humiliating me in public. He flirted outrageously and inappropriately with a cashier at Home Depot; she and I were so embarassed. He snapped at me to shut up in the crowded waiting room at the service station. I asked H something about our Christmas tree, and he told me that he does not care about the tree, and in fact does not give a F- WHAT I do Lots of little incidents like that. 

Then yesterday afternoon I was ready to decorate for Christmas. The access door to the storage area over the garage where the decorations are stored is in H's bedroom, so I knocked on his door. He didn't answer, but I could hear him lock it on the inside. 

That little act was the straw that broke the camel's back. When he came down, I told him that the day after Christmas is exactly 5 years since the first time he told me he does not love me. I confessed that I did not believe him at the time, and truly believed that if I could just wait long enough, he would love me again. But I finally realized that he was telling me the truth, when he told me that he does not give a F- what I do. 

I told him that 3 people in a marriage is 1 too many, and that if he is willing to work on our marriage, including giving up his GF, he can stay. But if not, I want him to leave. He immediately asked if I want him to get out before or after Christmas. So I guess that was the answer to my question about whether he is willing to give up the Russian. 

I reminded him that he claimed he wanted to live together as friends, but people do not treat their friends like he treats me. H said that we are best friends, and he does care about me. But he said that he is the wrong husband for me, that he ruined my life, and I'll be happier without him. 

He said that he "has feelings" for the Russian, but does not believe they will ever really get together, as he cannot obtain a green card for her, and he is not willing to give up his citizenship to marry her and live in Russia. We vaguely discussed selling the house, or him keeping his 401K and me keeping the house. 

He asked me not to tell the boys until after Christmas. 

After this conversation, we heard that one of our high school friends had just died from a heart attack. I felt so sorry for his wife and two teenaged daughters, but H seemed almost jealous of him. He said lucky guy, his troubles are all over. 

I worked the overnight shift, and have been alternately inappropriately bursting into tears, and feeling overwhelming relief. 

prayers are with you

RL,

This is your time. We always talk about the time when we are ready. I know you have a lot of grief, but your relief says you were ready to take that step.

What does your path look like?

(((. ))))

Rosa,
I'm very sorry that your h has treated you so terribly in the past and more importantly in the last week. There is absolutely no excuse for rude and poor behavior. I'm glad you finally told him how you felt. Funny how he wanted to know if you want him to go before or after Christmas. It's almost like he was hoping you'd say now.

I also find it interesting that he doesn't want you to tell your children until after the holidays. Your sons are grown and it's not like they don't have some inkling things aren't right in your home. He certainly doesn't care about the holidays or what is involved in getting to the festive time of the year.

You've had enough and it took this behavior to get you to where are ready to boot him out so that he can live out his fantasy life. He's going to discover that life isn't a bed of roses and he had truly wonderful and compassionate wife that he left behind.

I totally agree w/you, i.e., best friends don't treat other best friends the way he has you.

I'm also sorry to read that one of your high school friends passed away. Life is short and it's reminds us in many ways to live it to the fullest each and every day.

Rosa, you are going to be fine. Cry when you need to and know that the tension you've been living under will soon be gone and you will find that you will enjoy life again once you stop walking on egg shells.

Please take care of yourself.

This is certain! Job put it all so well, I can't think of anything to add.

You know that all of us here care about you and you can reach out to us any time.

Don't worry about crying - go find a quiet place and bawl if you have to. It does wonders, when it's needed. And the fact that you alternate between that and relief proves that you can get to a place where you'll feel better!

Rosa,

My thoughts are with you!

I think at some piont we all hit our breaking point. In fact, I just posted that on my thread. I think the holidays get to us, too.

I agree with Pud, if you felt even some relief, it was time. He has been escalating his abuse of you and it has become unacceptable to you. Good for you for knowing where your boundary lines lie.

That life will not be a bed of roses for him is the understatement of the year. Note that already, he does not want to go back to Russia. Truth is, he never did!

Take care of you, Rosa! Bawl when you have to and sing with Gloria Gaynor at the same time. You know the words!

RL, first time I've posted on your thread - I have been reading it though.

My thoughts are with you! Take care of yourself. If you need to talk, you know how to get hold of me. Stay strong and enjoy the holidays for yourself!

Linda, my friend, I'm so sorry that he's been a monster this last bit and with the result of your conversation.

He's an a$$ and you are a wonderful, loving woman and will be OK. I promise you! If you need to cry, cry and get out. Just go for walks, visit with friends, just out.

I think him going will be a very good wake up call for him and allow you time to heal and then what will be will be after that.

Sending you lots of love and hugs
WR

Hi Linda, I'm so proud of you for standing up to H. You have been nothing but a kind and loving W, and you truly deserve better.

What ever you do, make sure to hold to your ultimatum. No backing down now or you will lose all credibility. I'd say there is a good chance that H will start to figure out he's got no better options, and may try to get you to let him stay... while not actually doing what he needs to do to be the H you deserve.

I want you to look in the mirror everyday and say "I'm a kind and loving person, and I deserve better"

Be strong, Linda. You can do this and we will help you!

That is some awesome advice!