Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I am sorting it all out. What is mine. What is his. What is ours.
About the discussion of H thinking I should've had no issues when he came back....
We had a thorough discussion last night. At first it wasn't going too well. I kept trying to validate and repeat back what he was saying and he kept saying I wasn't understanding at all.
Then he came and sat beside me and spoke kindly. I asked him what it was that he disliked when I asked him things. He said I just hate when you ___________.
So we were able to get some things out in the open. He said that he just dropped the comment about people (friends) saying that I shouldn't have issues and it isn't that HE thought that.
He said he talked to more than one person at the beginning of this year and complained about me wanting certain standards and they said "you're back. Isn't that enough?"
H said HE never felt that way.
I reminded H that at the beginning of 2013, he was only delaying the D. He never moved back in and said he was "coming back". For a long time it was an uncertain thing.
He remembered. He remembered he was the one who called the L to call off the D.
I said those people that said I shouldn't have issues, didn't understand. I told him I had been through grief when he was gone but I was going to get back on my feet after D and I would've been okay. I wanted him to know both these things.
I also said, no, I didn't realize "how far" he left except that we were going to D. We have both agreed that he had to go "that far" to really know what is "out there".
It is the first time we have really talked about his coming-back-part of the MLC so openly and honestly. I cried, of course, but wasn't out of control.
I told him I was afraid every time there was a tough spot he would have the temptation to "run". He said he doesn't want to run. He knows what running means now. He didn't know that before. He just wants things to get better between us.
I told him holidays usually put a lot of pressure on people. I have some bad memories from last December and I know he does too.
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He talked about us. He said that he wants to start doing more things with me that I enjoy and he would like me to do more things with him that he enjoys. He said we have a lot farther to go in our R and he would like to keep us building our R together.
I found this very encouraging. I remember in late 2012 he talked to me about us being in-love with each other and we had more levels of love to go. In think he was referring to this concept, last night.
I know for sure he wants a great R with me. He said he wants to continue to have fun times/drinking times with his friends but now he is taking me with him. And he mentioned the party we will go to on Saturday night.
He said the guys always like me but it is tricky with the girls b/c they have issues of their own and are jealous. He said just to be confident me...and listed several ways he noticed that I have reason to be confident....working out consistently, establishing a brand new career with no previous background, and listed some other ways that escape me right now. He says I have every reason to hold my head high....and didn't mention him as being one of those reasons. Which I liked it was just about me.
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So...we ended the evening very comfortably.
We have dinner theater tickets tonight for a Christmas comedy. It is with another couple. He works with the man, who is higher up in management level than my H is. So we both hope the dinner is tasty and the show goes well...but we get along very well with them and have also eaten out with them before.
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More discussion, comments, suggestions are always welcome.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
rH, I’m so happy you were able to get the explanation of that comment. Sometimes the things are not the way we imagine them. This is a very positive development with your H. And thanks again for posting, it gives us a prospective into the journey.
This is great that he validated how much you have accomplished. You truly have all the reason to hold your head up high.
Enjoy your dinner tonight.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
R, that is great that you and he spoke about all of that. Becoming more comfortable being open and honest should be the goal in any relationshp.
And he is right, you have a lot to be confident about. Next time you are around those women, show them that you feel that. Show them the new RH you are becoming, my friend.
rh, I'm very happy that you and your h sat down and had a good discussion. At least you both received some clarity on how each of you feels and now you both have a good idea what the other is thinking.
I agree w/uR...the next time you are around those other women, knock their socks off w/your new found confidence.
Go girl!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, I thoughts so too, Bright. It was great to hear him say he wanted to move along and farther in our R and how he wanted to do it (doing things together)
Thank you for the very uplifting post
Originally Posted By: LoisB
I think it sounds like you both received some clarity about how the other person feels--especially you RH. I'm happy for you.
We did and it was such a positive convo. Thanks, Heather
job and uRw, I will enjoy getting a chance to shine tomorrow at the party.
H and I talked a bit about it on the way home from the show last night. He said again how each of the girls want to come to a party and be the prettiest one there and are insanely jealous of any one else.
I need to go to a party and be the best me I can be. I don't have any illusions about my prettiness or not-prettiness. My goal is to enjoy people and have a great time!
So we talked about some of the different girls and interests they may have and how I can reach them in convo's. H was very honest again and said he has been purposely avoiding Cookout Girl as she has become very unattractive as a friend and very negative. She has lots of issues. So fascinating how these friendships play out in the long run!
H is also very in tune with me as to what we will bring to the party -- separately and together. We seem to be humming the same note now.
The Christmas show last night was excellent! The couple we went with also enjoyed it immensely! We had such a nice time with them! The four of us had a picture taken together with Santa and Frosty and it came out really, really well. so they bought themselves and us one of the 8x10 pics. I thought that was so sweet!
We made some loose plans for the future for activities together with them.
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So...these are happy notes going into the weekend.
Thank you again for the constructive and supportive comments!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
rh, Always remember, it's not how pretty or ugly the wrapper is, but what's inside. If those women are so hung up on being the prettiest ones there, so be it, but you, rh, will be the diamond that sparkles! Your personality is all you need.
I want you to remember this...always smile, look people in the eye, nod when they speak and laugh till you hurt. People will take more away from their conversations w/you if you are having a good time and can socialize and talk w/them.
The pretty wrappers, well, they peel off and sometimes what's underneath doesn't always count for much if they are relying on the wrapper to get them places in life. It's always what is inside that counts the most.
Go and have a wonderful time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I love reading your updates RH. I am happy for you and your H to be having these great R talks and going out and having such a great time together.
I like job's comment above. I have to keep believing that one day my H will realize his OW is clearly not a good person, she was a shiny wrapper with a sucker inside. Once you suck on it long enough all you have is a soggy stick you throw away. :P
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
The pretty wrappers, well, they peel off and sometimes what's underneath doesn't always count for much if they are relying on the wrapper to get them places in life. It's always what is inside that counts the most.
I laughed a little at this. It reminded me of the movie where Donkey says, "oh, people are like onions". In some ways, they are. We constantly shed "peels" (or put another way, we transition). But what's underneath is who we really are. Our core selves. Let that light shine through, reaching. Always. Some will adore you, others may dislike you and be jealous, but they will all remember you and in the end, it won't matter because you are the beautiful you, that you are.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
