Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife says she wants to leave (Part 2)

Thank you for your words everyone. It got me thinking. So yesterday on my way home from work I made a decision. I would not be home when my W and D got home.

When I arrived, I immediately changed my clothes and got ready to go to the gym. Just as I was getting into the car they pulled in. (didnt quite make it out in time!) I helped D3 out of the car and then said I was going out for a while.

Went to the gym, had a great workout. Got my haircut, Went tanning, and grabbed some groceries. W texted me a few times, saying that she was making dinner, and to make sure to "pump that iron".

As I can be quite obnoxious, i responded with ... "I'll PUMP something... HEYOOOOOOOooo".

She thought it was hilarious. Didn't respond to anything after that.

Got home, ate dinner, and then D3 wanted to wrestle! So we had fun playing on the floor and just being goofy. I went downstairs to help D3 into bed and W looked really distraught.

She let me know that she was afraid that she might lose her job. Things at work were tough, and that they were doing a lot of reorganizing. I sat and listened, did not say a word. It was amazing how long she kept talking, even after I thought she was done. I made no attempt to comfort, hold, touch. I simply sat their and listened to her.

I did not try to fix the problem, all i said was, "I know you'll figure this out hun", got up, and walked away.

I went upstairs to read, and just layed in bed to relax. She texted me about 15 minutes later "Good Night", I sent back a stupid Will Ferrell joke, and I could hear her giggling downstairs.

And that was It. Woke up this morning feeling fresh, looking good, and ready to take it one day at a time.


What have I learned? Going to the gym is great for my mood. If i'm having a hard/sad/needy day, go to the gym. Raise that testosterone level and act like I have my [censored] together.

Good job.

Probably endorphins though.

If it takes endorphins to get me through a crap day, I'll take it.

I know our spouses are confused and in a fog with these sitch's, but cc's wife seems very interested in him. Even jealous at times.

What is keeping her from ditching her OM and moving forward to save her marriage? It just seems like a no brainer from this perspective! How long does this carry on for?

Makes me feel hopeless since my H is nowhere near showing that kind of interest towards me.

Yes, we deny the power of exercise, and other endorphin-releasing activities far too often.

The world would be a much better place if we all exercised, meditated or got a massage regularly.

Exercise has been my savior for the past few months. I find that if I don't get in an hour of high impact, challenging exercise, I feel much more sad, nervous, etc. It also has the added benefit of making me healthier and look great. I don't understand why anyone would not exercise.

Bluesgal, I'm not sure that you can compare your sitch to others and make any predictions about it. Don't get discouraged by the behavior of others' WASs compared to yours.

I don't normally comment much on here as i don't think i have any advice to give, however i have kept up to speed with your thread CC and it has helped me no end, stealing some of the advice you have got too
I also agree on the exercise being a savior, i cant believe i let slip for so many years i feel so much better now after a run that i feel i can conquer anything. If i am down or stressed it always helps to focus my mind and bring me back to a better place. I often find that a disagreement normally ends with me putting my running shoes on and getting out for an hour, coming home and able to confront it in a calmer manner and having the courage to do so.
Keep up the good work CC and keep posting great advice everybody else because it helps us all.
Cheers!

Bluesgal,

She may very well have interest in me. She tells me all the time how much better I look. last night she said.. wow " you are looking buff". I feel like she is very much still 'attracted' to me.

Obviously working out, eating right, and having more confidence is paying off in that respect.

You mention jealousy. I have noticed this too. Every time I pull away and do something out of the ordinary she becomes jealous. I found out that she has searched my facebook. (OM told her that I was actively pursuing Other women on facebook? I liked one photo of a girl who had lost a lot of weight, and she confronted me about it)

OM has also instilled in her mind that I'm being manipulative. That my actions are trying to control every aspect of the situation, like this is a chess game. She believes that i'm trying to turn everyone against her (she confronted me on this).

The answer i gave her is this. My goal is to have you as a wife, and continue our marriage. Turning people against you does not further that goal. I am sorry that is the way you feel.

However, This does not mean that she thinks I can make her happy. From what she has told me, OM makes her happy. She is happy when she is with him, and was not happy with me for a long time.

She does not believe that we have any common interests, and has told me that "she doesn't deserve me".

Words are words are words.

Who knows what she means by any of this, I don't pretend to. All I know is what I can see. And what I see is that she continues to talk and see the OM. By these actions she shows that she does not currently want to move forward in our marriage.

I have set my boundary, that we cannot be together while she is with OM. I am sticking to this.

With this boundary, can I be playful, yet out of reach?

This notion of a "fog" is controversial, not a given. It is true that feelings of being "in love" clouds people's judgement and decision making, but that doesn't make their decision to leave a marriage any less real. Sometimes a WAS' decision to leave is based on clear-headed and rational decision making.



It's a marathon, not a sprint. When the LBS stops pursuing and takes the focus off the WAS, appearing to accept what has happened, it takes a big burden off the WAS -- they are no longer responsible for the feelings and well-being of the LBS. They are no longer walking on eggshells.

That allows them to relax and makes the LBS approachable again, they can treat them as an equal instead of as an unwanted hanger-on. That is the starting line for kindling a new relationship, but generally there is no "going back" to the same marriage the WAS wanted to leave -- it needs to be a new marriage with new norms.

That's the *good* outcome -- the bad outcome is that the WAS gets comfortable cake eating and that can go on for a very long time unless the LBS puts a stop to it. In ccZ28's scenario, we don't know what's going on with OM. His wife may be very happy enjoying a romantic relationship with OM and flirting with ccZ28 and enjoying a positive co-parenting and co-habitation experience.

For now I think ccZ28 should stay the course, he's doing really really well and his W does seem to be coming around, and it hasn't been that long. At some point, however, he'll need to evaluate if he's enabling a cake-eating spouse and make some hard decisions -- but I think that's still a long way off.



Yeah that [censored]! Very sorry you are feeling down.

Acc

I agree with exercise. I haven't been very disciplined lately, but it really helped me this past summer.

I was doing kickboxing and it really helped with taking out aggression. Time to focus on myself and start it up again.

Melissa-I know you're right about comparing....I'm just so impatient!! I've been back on the rollercoaster again..can you tell?

It's nice to see how level headed cc has been and how he is handling his sitch well. He has really taken control of himself.