Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis A twist on cake-eating & dropping a bomb of my own

Thanks Heather and AJ. I needed to hear that. I am so glad I can come here for a boost when I need it.

I was in such a good place ... don't quite know what happened. Maybe the holidays?? Maybe indulging in a little self pity party? Or maybe the big move with the operation over there which will allow greater production. I'm not sure how I feel about the progress. Each success will lead h to want to expand more and that will lead to more time away from home. It's like there is no end in sight and I think that is what has me down. I don't feel like I am competing with an OW as much as this stupid operation ... I don't know how to deal with that. It's like that operation is the real mistress.

In some ways, I want him to achieve his goals there for his own sake, but in other ways I want the operation to fail because he will no longer have a reason to practically live over there. (Our business here does not need that operation in order to continue to operate profitably.)

I suppose it is good he tells me what he's doing socially. A couple of months ago he told me nothing along those lines. Some of the secrecy is falling to the wayside I suppose.

I know that the social stuff is his way of trying to make living there tolerable, but I am beginning to suspect that his social life is not as fulfilling as it once was. He told me he had dinner with the buddy he's traveling with for the New Year's thing and he said dinner was quiet and kind of boring. Sorry for him ... but glad he's apparently finding disappointment with some of the things he thought was making him so happy over there.

It is so hard to db from so far away with only a few days every month when he is actually around. I don't think, based on his behavior toward me, that the ow is much of a factor anymore, if it all. My biggest challenge is db'ing when the OW is not necessarily a person, but a business plan. I suppose the theory, especially when dealing with MLC, is the same ... just hard to wrap my head around how to deal with it.

Sounds like it's time to pull out DR (again) to reignite my inspiration and resolve.

I am truly thankful for this forum and everyone who has helped me cope.

2t, I'm sorry he is doing this now. I know it is extremely difficult but you need to let him go. Let him take this journey. He is thinking all of these other things are going to make him happy. Let him experience that and come to the conclusion on his own that it is not these things that will make him truly happy inside.

I agree with AJ, make a new tradition for yourself and find some friends who love and adore you and spend more time with them. Find some adventure and fun in your own world. It hurts a lot at first not to be with the one you want to be with, but distractions with friends do help for a bit.

Please don't be hard on yourself for what he is doing, it's not you.

Take care 2t and please post more so we know you are ok. We are here to love and support you.

Thanks, Pud.

I don't think H is trying to do anything hurtful to me deliberately ... just being MLC dumb. He tells me a lot about what he is doing and I always tell him I hope he enjoys dinner, or his evening or the trip for New Year's. Yuck!! What I really want to say is I hope you have a miserable time and start to figure out that you don't belong over there! I know I need to focus on the positives of the situation. At least now we are communicating rationally.

My biggest concern about going out on New Year's Eve is driving home late at night by myself. I could find someone to drive me to and from, but I would then be kind of stuck if I wanted to leave earlier than my chauffeur.

You know, the ironic thing about all of this is that we rarely went out on New Year's Eve. H always called it amateur night and said he didn't want to be on the road with a bunch of folks who were all driving drunk at the same time. We occasionally had friends over, but mostly just celebrated alone (in the tub).

I think I will cook one of my favorite meals, open a bottle of my favorite wine, do some research on an awesome trip for myself this summer (so I can start a savings fund) and then at midnight toast the end of one crappy year and the start of a new one with new beginnings.

In the meantime, I realize that I am losing sight of the small baby steps that have occurred over the past 4 to 6 weeks, so I am going to pull out my list and evaluate. Hopefully, that will get me out of this funk!

That sounds like an awesome plan 2t! I love it. It is so hard not to attach ourselves to their feelings and actions. I still do it too. I'm slowly breaking away though. Very good of you to reign yourself back in, I knew you would. Planning a trip for you sounds awesome. Something to look forward to in a brand new year full of possibilities.

You are going to get there 2t!

T,

I hear you expecting a lot from yourself and your H.

I don't think this journey is a concrete move from Point A to Point B--there's lots of give and back and forth on this ride. You go from Point A to Point B, then back to A, maybe to C, Back to B, then upside down and backwards all at ONCE!!

You have made progress, but it's not necessarily the kind of progress where you check something off the list and never look back???

I like the suggestion about coming up with a new tradition for New Years. I think I may borrow that one. My H and I never really celebrated New Year's--maybe it's time I start?? But, in my own way.

One of the hardest things, for me, throughout this process--is knowing when I legitimately need to feel some rough patch before moving forward and knowing when I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Only you can answer which this is.

You have had some real gifts from your H lately. Don't discount them because they are wrapped the way you want. Maybe accept them for what they are and let go of the expectations?? Or, maybe this is your stronger self saying, "I need more. This isn't enough for me?"

Maybe this is where you clarify what your expectations are for this relationship today and take a look at how long you are willing to wait.

I know I reached this point in July where it became obvious to me that H wasn't able to give me and the girls what I needed at that point. I broke away. On the one hand, I'm glad because I think I needed to recognize what I deserved in a relationship. On the other hand, I may have acted too impulsively outta hurt and unmet expectations.

God's speed as you sort through it all.

Heather

I had to chuckle when I read this one. My C and I discuss this every time I see her ... how long are you willing to wait? She wants a time line, but I don't think dealing with someone in MLC is the kind of thing you can put a targeted date on.

Anyway, you are right. H has given me some real gifts lately and I am so thankful for that. Asking to join me on vacation was a biggie for me. He contacts at least once, usually twice, a day just to touch base. He doesn't tell me how to handle household or car issues myself anymore, but volunteers to take care of it when he gets back if it can wait. He says he misses me once in awhile and calls me sweetheart now and then (that's one he doesn't use with other people like sweetie or honey). He asks about my family and other things he knows are important to me.

Seems small, but it is a lot considering where we were just before Thanksgiving. I suppose it is human nature to get a little of something good and want more! If I can keep my focus on the small progress and not let the uncertainty of the future overwhelm me, I'll be okay. Just need patience.

Bottom line is that he hasn't pulled back. He's actually warmed up quite a bit. Socially, he's only doing what he has been doing for the past 6 months or more. In reality, based on what he tells me about his social life over there, he has backed down quite a bit. He was going out, drinking heavily and partying nearly every night. He seems to have cut back on that by about half. (I was also pleased to see when he was home that he was only drinking an occasional beer or glass of wine instead of slamming down several cocktails each night.)

I just need to stay on track and keep doing what I've been doing for the past few weeks.

Thank you so much Heather. And feel free to borrow my New Year's Eve plans! May we both enjoy!

2T

Heather, I think H is trying to re-establish a friendship that he thinks was lost.

We were good friends long before we became involved romantically. Sometimes, I feel like he is trying to start again from square one and proceed, as before, from friendship to falling in love, etc. ... to see if it will happen again. Kind of a search for something he thinks is lost. He told me in October, after a lot of angry exchanges, that we had to re-establish the friendship as a foundation to build on.

Relating details about his social activities, how the business is proceeding, where he is going and who he is doing things with, asking about what's going on in my life with the job, family, etc are the kinds of things we would share as friends years ago. Volunteering to do little things for me that I couldn't handle (like buying tires) also fall into the same category.

It reminds of a Christmas when I was in love with him and he didn't want to admit to himself that he had the same feelings for me. He told me he was going to a party with the woman who cut his hair (single Mom - 2 small kids). I was devastated! But, kept my mouth shut and just wished him a good time. He had a miserable time, had to find someone else to cut his hair and never dated anyone else after that (until years later when the alien took over).

I got peeved with him a couple of months ago when he was telling me how to get the speakers in my car fixed instead of offering to do it for me (he has always handled car issues). I asked him point blank (text) if he wanted the kind of relationship we had after I got divorced when he would give me advice and I would handle things on my own and his reply was a succinct "Yes."

I feel like we are kind of in the same place now. His actions and his attitude the past few weeks have been so similar to that period in our relationship. It is obvious he cares, but he tries to keep a kind of distance (although after all these years, he slips up now and then).

He wants the "in love" feeling (he has told me this) so it looks like he is trying to follow that same path to find it. If that's the case, I'm not sure how that will work for him. It seems like history would get in the way.

When I look at it from that perspective, it is a little easier to find the patience I need. I don't know if I am right, but it sure is like dialing back the clock 20 years. If that is the case, at least he is focused on me. And if that is the case, at least he is trying to find his way back. And that would be a big positive ... right?

I'd be interested in your thoughts.

2T

I see it as a positive 2t. ThAt tells me he is thinking about things with you and not stuffing it down. In your sitch I would definitely sit quiet and wait...

Yep. Now that I see the similarities, I am better.

Now, back to staying in character (thanks to Raine for that description) ... Sit quiet and wait.

Well, I made it through New Year's Eve on my own. As it turns out, it is good I didn't make plans to go out. I have been battling a cold for about a week and now I have laryngitis. Can hardly talk! I had to substitute soup for my "favorite" dinner and didn't make it to midnight (thought rest was the better decision), but I did enjoy the wine. Alcohol isn't recommended for laryngitis, but I couldn't pass it up.

H texted in the beginning of the day that he wasn't really enjoying his trip and wished he had put more thought into it. Said he was sharing a room with his buddy and didn't like it.

Later he texted that he partied from 7pm til 3am. At first he said he had a few too many drinks, then several hours later when I asked how bad his hangover was, he said he didn't drink much ... only 7 beers all night. Huh?

He said the party wasn't great but it was okay. Somehow I don't think he would tell me if he had a great time.

I received news around 3pm from my d that my gd14 had been shot with an arrow by the girl next door. Fortunately, the arrow went through her upper arm and after doctor's removed it, they let her go home from the hospital.

The whole incident certainly gave me a lot to reflect on last night. We could have so easily lost one of our grandkids (we call them "kidlets"). It was really the kind of eye-opener that makes you realize how much you have in life to be thankful for. I realized that I may not have everything I want in life, but what I do have is pretty awesome.

I'm looking forward to the new year and continuing to work on me. At the moment, I am a little frustrated. As far as R goes, I feel like we are in some weird holding pattern. Not moving forward, not falling back. It is so hard not to want to push but it is equally hard to just keep on doing the same day after day. I feel like H has what he wants at the moment. His life over there, living the way he wants (don't know if OW is still in the picture or not) and everything calm over here. I feel this need to remind him somehow that this life is not acceptable to me, but am trying to just sit back and wait. So tough!

In the meantime, I'm going to tape a big note on my bathroom mirror - Count Your Blessings! That is my New Year's Resolution - to remember that my life is really pretty awesome - whether H is in it or not!

Wishing everyone a happy new year and hopes for a better year than the last.

2T2M