Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers not as scared or confused. . still hopeful (II)

JG, I can see you are detaching more and more. Keep going. It helps me to remember that the anger comes from a place of hurt and ultimately fear.

He is not thinking clearly. I've learned to stay out of the way when hostility hits.

I went to my first alanon meeting tonight. It was much less scary than I thought. Only 6 people so that was nice for the first time. I stumbled through an intro of what brought ne there. I don't really remember what I said but I did notice some heads nodding in agreement.

Came home and H was his usual nasty self. I am watching him spiral out of control. He doesn't even look the same anymore. Even his face is different.

I don't know if me getting whole and healthy and working on my control issues and anxieties will have any positive effect on him. I do know (hope) that if he ever takes control of his life and gets to a place where he thinks about his family again he will find a much stronger me.

I doubt that your self improvement will have a direct effect on him - it sounds to me like he needs to work on his own issues. If he works on his, and you work on yours, then hopefully you can come to a point where you can add value to each other's lives instead of being miserable together. But you can't solve his problem for him, that's for sure. Perhaps if he sees the work you are doing, it will inspire him to do his own. Either way, you know that you will end up being a better person and you will be able to handle whatever path your H decides to take.

This is a great post, Julie. Glad the meeting was better than you thought if would be.

Did you hear the 3 Cs at the meeting, I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it.

His stuff is his.

(((JG)))

sad day. This morning s had appt with behavior specialist we have been waiting over a year to see. H didn't come. I called to tell him about it and about medicine change. No response. Now tonight is S's school play H is not coming and S is having a really hard time with that.

I have been so busy today I really haven't had time to process. I am sure it will hit me later

Ugh. Sorry, Julie. It really is hard on kids when Dad doesn't show up. And though you are dealing with your own grief/anger/confusion, I know you will make it awesome for your S. This is one of those times I wish we *could* control what others do.

My stepsons and their mom and other little brother came to the play. That was a nice surprise for s and took his mind off missing Dad for a little. Play was adorable! On the way home be kept asking where is dad. It is so unfair that I have to tell him I don't know. He wants reassurance and absolutes and I don't have that and he just doesn't understand.

Ughh I was just trying to tell H about the side effects of S new med and he was rolling his eyes at me. So I said forget it. I know ib am supposed to try to not let this bother me but it makes me so mad. S is his child. He has to know this stuff. I guess I will just put it all in writing and tape it to the door by the meds.

So sorry Julie! Wish I had something positive to say. What do you do when the little ones hurt for their dad? What is the right thing to say?

Hugs!

So I let the sadness back in yesterday and now I feel like I am back at square 1.

I have had a few weeks of really solid LRT and following 37 rules. Because of increasing problem with addiction and active A I am not trying any other DR techniques. Although I feel a few 180s have happened naturally like doing for myself a lot of the little things I used to ask him to do. But H is increasingly hostile so it is hard.

I was already pretty down after play last night. This morning I was doing some paperwork and H walked past me several times without a good morning. The neighborhood stray cat gets more respect.

Then MIL called to discuss holuday plans and I lost it. She thought I was crying because I was stressed over money for all the extra child care. I didnt correct her.

When I came out H asked me what I was talking to her about. He said "you look like you have been crying what's wrong. I wanted to say "WTF do you think is wrong you ... you are tearing my family apart and making my kid cry..." what I did say was that since he has made it clear he doesn't care about me anymore he does not have the right to ask.

On top of that MIL told me H gave her an idea for my Xmas gift and it was exactly what I wanted. That mad me sad too...

So once I started crying I haven't been able to stop. I have been running to the bathroom to hide all day at work. I know I am doing things that are going to help me be stronger. I just want to get there now because I am so tired of being so sad all the time.