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F*ck – I step away for a sec and holy chit…
JF

I can understand how you would feel this way. Regret does not resolve anything. I think you have felt this regret long enough – time to let it go man. I could fill up an entire web site with things that I regretted in my past. Let it go. As for opening up and asking him about it….consider this…You’re a dad – right? So am I. Being a dad does not come with a book. Ya fu*k up from time to time – right? Take a look at your boys. I would bet Mach Purple Tutu and Pink Half shirt with nipple cut outs that you would forgive your boys for anything they will say to you. It is being a parent…it is being a dad. So instead of carrying around the regret, get on your knees and talk to your dad. Explain to him that you are sorry for your role in chit, tell him you forgive him for his role in chit and THEN ACCEPT that he does forgive you.


Please read that ^^^^ over and over and over.

So true and living with someone is crisis does not help. Lord knows I end up feeling like the devil reincarnated. My xw almost blamed me for global warming and for a while, especially until I learned to forgive myself – I believed it. Don’t. As AJ says – own your piece of the failure (and we all have a piece) and just try and do better next time.

Fu*k that ^^^ right up there. I am gonna call bullchit. IMO, I think it is easier to fall into the pit of self pity than it is to stand up, own your chit and say – I made some mistakes but so does everyone! It is easier to lie down and feel this way…it is much harder to pull yourself out. You can fix you and you can control YOU – it just takes WORK. So are you up for it? Are you ready to put all of this chit behind you are start defining the new YOU?

That is quite noble. I do not doubt that you feel this way. Hell I still love the memories of my xw – she was a sweet heart. That said, how could you love her if you do not love YOU. What does Love really mean to YOU. Is this really LOVE that you feel towards her or is it the FEAR you may be feeling to look deep inside and explore a new you. In my case, yes I loved the person I married, but my definition of love was quite different then than it is today. I am not saying you are wrong for feeling this way…nope….just that you need to understand why you feel the way you do.

Ohh…how I know that feeling. In the house, with some hot women that you used to be married to..Oh..i know that well. The feeling that it is all your fault. Yep the reliving of every mistake you have ever made.
Are you afraid JF? Are you afraid that if you forgive yourself that you may look over at Wife and say F* it – I deserve better? Stop taking the blame for all of this chit. She is in a crisis – NOT YOUR FAULT. PERIOD. She will make you feel like it – that what she will do to make HERSELF feel better. You do not have to do the same. Do me a favor, write down 3 things that you will do in the next week that make YOU happy…and do not give me some chit about the kids, or the kids games – NO some real GAL stuff. Guy stuff…Go to a game with a friend. Go play poker with some buddies. Go sky diving. Pick up a nice book and go chillax somewhere. Something let me see that list in your next post.


No one IS – hell I still leave the seat up when I pee at Mach’s house (that was a joke). Stop trying to be perfect. Do you know why we try to be perfect (at least IMO)? EASY WAY OUT. VERY COMFORTABLE FOR SOME OF US WHO ARE USED TO BE THE VICITIM. You will never be perfect – that title goes to God and my XW if you ask her (another joke).

Compassion is good dude. However, in the context that you are using it…at least IMO, you are devaluing YOURSELF.
Your beaten down dude – at least that how it comes across. I have been there. It does GET BETTER IF YOU WANT IT TO.
Take a look in the mirror JF – you may not like everything you see…but we are ALL worthy of LOVE. ALL of US. Don’t be afraid to accept that right now your W is cuco for coco puff. Don’t allow HER Actions, lack of actions to DEFINE YOU. Do not allow your past, your parents, the fact that you did not want as a child or the fact that your W wanted as a child to DEFINE YOU.
JF – YOU DEFINE YOU. YOU AND YOU ALONE. Not your job, not your friends, not your wife, parents, grandparents, me, Mach, AJ, fu*king no one. JUST YOU!

So JF – you say you try to be good person…well try and be a good person for YOURSELF…and if you really need some motivation….take a good look at your boys.

Now, call Mach and have him mail you his pink shovel and his light blue hard hat and keep digging.

I'm spinning right now.

I'm going to take a break and STFU on these boards for a bit. Thank you for everyone that has jumped on board with me. Please don't think I'm running away. I've got some pretty heavy stuff to try and sort through. My head hurts. I'm digging in too many directions at once.

Sorry.

It is good self-awareness on your part to recognize your own needs and attend to them in stepping away from this board, JF. Take care!

I agree that hyper focus on all this stuff can overload you... and it doesn't do much for the M either. Sometimes taking a break is the best thing we can do.

I have found this thread so far to be really inspiring and stimulating... hopefully I can add something here that might be of some value to you JFun.

In the same way that you offer forgiveness to other people for your OWN sake, to wipe away the resentment and negative feelings... you have to find the strength to give forgiveness to yourself for the same reasons.

In the examples you stated, it's true that you can't go back in time and change what you DID. But you can forgive yourself and acknowledge that you learned a valuable lesson through these mistakes, and grant yourself some trust and faith that going forward you will be much less likely to make these same kinds of mistakes again.

You know better NOW than to put off mending an important relationship, and I suspect that you will work really hard to be sure your relationship with your sons never suffers the same fate.

You know better know than to take your marriage for granted, and in the future you will be so much more AWARE and appreciative of what it takes to make a relationship work. You will probably be a lot more attentive to problems in your relationships and will be proactive in addressing them before molehills grow into mountains.

You may have failed to be there for your friend who was dying of cancer, but if he left behind family and other friends... what can you do to honor his memory? Is there something you can do on his account that he would have appreciated, something to aid his family or support a cause close to his heart, or even just pay it forward to someone else who is suffering with cancer. You can't change what you did before, but you can act to make amends. And again, now you know the mistake you made... I bet you won't make it again.

You can forgive yourself without forgetting the lessons you take away. The guilt isn't what protects you from repeating a mistake, it is the DETERMINATION to do better. Let go of the guilt and the regret. Walk forward with determination to be your better self, the man who wouldn't make those same mistakes again if given the chance.

JF....

BIG day yesterday for you here....

I'm not gonna pile on the fire for now...

I just want you to know that what you are doing, and what you are feeling, and the things that you are processing are turning you into the Man that you never thought that you could be...

And it isn't just changing you...

It is changing the dynamics in your entire life, and the legacy that you will leave your boys, that will affect the way they treat their spouse and children...

I am proud of you for making it this far....

Back away if you need. Think, and act, instead of reacting to the new information swirling around that noggin of yours....

Anytime I see someone on the cusp of a new reality, they back away from here for a time, and when the re-emerge, the personal growth is typically amazing (except Eric, that one failed)... : )

The answers that you are seeking right now....you are the only person that has them, so there is no reason to look here for them anyway....

What you may just find....is that you had them all the while, you were just asking the wrong questions....

Peace to you my new friend....

That was fabulously said tigerlily.

JF, I agree with here that even though these people are gone, there are still things you could do to appease some of the guilt you feel, and work towards forgiving yourself. You may not have known how to handle the huge amount of emotions that come with losing someone. It is not an easy thing.

Please be kind to yourself. You are awesome.

I just had a thought about your dad. Maybe you could write everything you wish you could have said to him. This may help get it out of your brain. Then you could attach it to a balloon and send it to the heavens.

Hey JF,

We all gotta take a break from this stuff and let our heads process all the new info and settle down, etc.

See ya when you get back, we'll save ya a seat in the sweat lodge here.

Roller coaster is kicking my a$$ folks. W is blatantly pushing buttons and reeling me back in. It's been a day to day thing over the last week or so. On one hand, she sits with me and talks with me like old times. She shares her day, smiles and everything. I use my best listening and validation skills. The next day, she wants nothing to do with me, ignoring me and staying up til 2:30 am texting OM.

At the same time, I'm trying to detach and make myself a better man. Heck, I'm trying to find out who I really am. I've got so much work to do on myself, that the sh!t she's doing shouldn't matter.

REJECTION-that's the hardest part of everything. Just wanting to be loved and accepted and thought of as worthy by the most important people in your life. If someone at work thinks I'm not a good person, I can say pi$$ on them, they can kiss my a$$. If someone in the grocery store looks at me with the hollow, unloving look my W gives me, I don't think twice. Not receiving a sense if acceptance and worth from those that are closest to our heart kills us. Whether that's our parents or our spouse, it's devastating. It crushed lives every day.

To be a strong, stable person we must find that from within. That's my journey.