Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife says she wants to leave (Part 2)

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Let me just start out by saying, this was one of the hardest weekends of my life.

Suspecting an A is one thing. Finding concrete evidence, bringing the evidence to my W, and having her continue to deny, and lie about it is another.

How does someone continue to deny something when it is RIGHT THERE.


She is already starting a new life with OM. They are In love. They were meant to be together. She has never been happier in her entire life! (That was a kick in the nuts)



I'm so mad right now.

She asked me if i wanted to go Christmas shopping with her for D.

I really don't want to. I don't want her to think that she can have anything to do with me while she is with OM.

This is a boundary that i want to implement. As long as you are with OM, our interactions will be FINANCES and D. Thats it.

Should I tell her this boundary? Or should I just say I think i'm going to do my own thing?

I have no idea if she is going to file for divorce. I'm starting to wonder if I should just do it.

You can say, as long as you're with OM, I choose not to be with you. I will shop for D on my own this year.

You could add that it's too difficult or painful but it's not necessary.

I can't imagine what your weekend was like. Take care of yourself, you have a D to focus on.

Try not to get too wrapped up in what she's saying, although it's near impossible. Emotions change constantly, that's why you hear so much here about sitting with things or riding out the emotion before making decisions.

You could also tell her that you want NC other than things that have to do with D. You can also let her know how you want to have that contact, text only, etc.

You do NC to protect you, this is not to teach her a lesson or wake her up. This is to allow you to begin to heal.

Give yourself that time.

I understand the NC thing, but right now she still lives at home (she has a room at home, and she is there once in a while). She refuses to leave because she thinks I will use it against her in court. That I say she abandoned her D.

Not that I would do that. I strongly believe that D needs both of us in her life.

I ended up going to a christmas party on Saturday. It was with all of my college friends and their significant others. When I showed up everyone was being overly nice. They made no mention of where my W was. I could tell by the way some of them were looking at me, that they knew. They wanted to talk to me but didn't want to bring it up.

At that point I just said screw it. I addressed the issue. I let everyone know that W had left me. That I was having a very hard time, but I still love her. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Sadly, another one of my friends stood up, and told everyone that his W left him in September. Everyone was shocked. He said that he didn't want anyone to know, but after seeing how I was able to just come out with it, it allowed him to just let it go.

Everyone was honestly great. They all had the same thing to say. We love you, we are here for you, and the one thing you need to do above all is take care of D!!!!

Myself and the other guy had a really long talk about everything. It was insane. It was like we were telling the same story, same timeline, same situation (EA/PA).

I let him know that if he needed anything, I was there. We both have the same problem, So I DO know what he's going through.

My outlook on everything has changed dramatically. Where before I couldn't wait for a text/call/email from my W, Now I dread them. It hurts when I see her name.

I can't really stand to be around her right now. When she talks to me I just want to be mean and nasty.

She tried talking to me last night, and I told her to leave me alone. I asked in a mean way... Why don't you stay at your boyfriends house.

I know I shoulnd't have. It's childish. It's terrible integrity. I just dont want to be around her.

This is the main reason for No Contact at this point:

I can't really stand to be around her right now. When she talks to me I just want to be mean and nasty.

She tried talking to me last night, and I told her to leave me alone. I asked in a mean way... Why don't you stay at your boyfriends house.

I know I shoulnd't have. It's childish. It's terrible integrity. I just dont want to be around her.


You're running on pure raw emotion, nothing bad will happen if you don't talk to her (other than about D) for 2 weeks.

Give yourself time to let the emotion die down. Be good to yourself and by doing that you're also helping D.

What an opportunity, a friend going thru the same thing.

I know it suxxors, but what an outlet you can be for each other.
Get each other out of the house. Watch and listen to how he sounds, how he looks, how its affecting him. Do/are you acting similar, does it look unattractive? Help each other.

Practice listen, validate. HEAR whats being said. This gives you a chance to see what you look and talk like maybe? You can do this while helping a friend thru a tough time, but use those resources for your benefit too. You both can.

I certainly understand the "dread" interactions. We all go thru that phase. Its good that you realize it, something to work on.

If you need that break, take it, but don't do it in anger.

C - I am so sorry that you had such a difficult weekend. I agree that it is one things to suspect an A, but it is another to have it confirmed. On one hand, I was so angry and hurt. On the other hand, I felt relieved that I was not crazy and my suspicions were justified. My IC told me that my H was like a drug addict and that he would go to any length to protect his A, including continuing to lie and deny it despite the clear evidence to the contrary. It still blows my mind that he thinks that he can lie and I will actually believe him. I believe in my heart that one day, H was have to come to terms with all the lies that he has told and the pain that he has caused. But that will be his journey and I cant change it.

I agree with going dim for a while, especially because you are running on pure emotion right now. I was angry with something that my H did last week. I was still friendly to his face, but I just choose to occupy myself with activities in order to limit the face to face time. Focus on yourself right now. Just make sure that you are not making decisions to punish your W. Proceed with honor and dignity, even if your W cannot.

Agree with everyone -- you are in a very raw place right now, but you must have faith that you *WILL* feel better and find happiness again. It's like breaking a bone -- it hurts like hell in the beginning and takes a long time to heal, but it does heal, and eventually you won't remember that it broke.

You also have a decision to make -- is the PA a deal-breaker for you?

You want to take your time with that one. If you decide "it's a deal breaker" in anger and start acting as such, but later change your mind, you can do a lot of damage that you then need to recover from.

I'm not going to blow any smoke -- if your W is in love with another man and actively pursuing that relationship, you are in for a *very* long road on the "save your marriage" path. You will need the patience of a saint and the stamina of a marathon runner, and in the end, even if you execute DB 100% perfectly she still may leave.



If you want her out, discuss this point with your lawyer. You could probably write up a separation agreement that would stipulate you will not pursue an abandonment claim. If that's her reason for staying, and her presence is torturing you, take that one off the table.

I do think you should express your boundaries. You don't want your behavior to come off as punishing, and she can't read your mind. I would tell her that while she's involved with OM, you are going to limit your interactions with her to finances and D, and would appreciate minimal contact.

Sorry ccZ28, be strong!

Acc

This whole situation is torturing. It was back to not feeling hungry again all weekend. I forced myself to eat a few times, but other than that I just felt sick.

I don't want to lose more weight, but I don't know how to get to the point where I feel physically hungry again. Nothing sounds good, nothing tastes good.

I'm definitely in a raw emotional state right now. And I'm trying to halt any big decisions until I can really think about them.

I don't know if I have what it takes to work on this right now. Knowing that she has already begun another life with someone else has sucked every feeling of hope from me. It haunts me.

I know that I have to continue to work on me for my own sake and sanity. And of course my D is top priority.

This may sound odd but you need to be priority one because if you don't take care of you, you can't be there for D.

Don't worry about eating, you're a healthy male, you won't starve yourself to death You'll get hungry and eat when you're ready.

Acc's suggestion about the stipulation is a good one.