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Ahhh someone stop me I can't stop myself from doing all the crap I was doing right after BD.

H is taking S to see Santa tomorrow. The kicker is he is not going to any of the many places nearby. He is driving an hour to the town where OW lives. With my child while I am at work. So I accussed him of that and said I didn't want my child around her. He of course denied and now I am back to square zero.

Am I wrong to not want my child around some one who has no problem getting involved with a married man?

Hi Julie . . . sorry you are having a tough time. As far as DBing goes, you've got to just make the commitment to do it, remember why you are doing it, remind yourself of why you are doing it, and don't allow yourself to react in a way contrary to your plan. Here's a thought that might help - if you react in a non-argumentative manner, and you think it over for a while, and decide that it's really important to be argumentative, you can always go back and be argumentative. But, if you are argumentative and then regret it, you can't undo it. Point being, err on the side of DBing, even if it makes you want to strangle your H. Typically speaking, you won't regret it.

About your child being around OW. First, you don't know that he will be. So don't mind read and certainly don't accuse. That's not helpful. Next, no, you are not wrong about not wanting your child around OW. Any human being would feel the same. But, think about whether it's YOUR issue, or if it will really affect your kid. I'm not sure of the answer to that - probably depends on the kid and the parent and the situation. But you can figure that out for yourself - just try to take a step back, remove the emotions, and think about it objectively.

Get up, dust yourself off, remind yourself of your goals, and make sure you are acting in a way that is consistent with achieving those goals.

Hey Julie

I know how all that feels, just for me, without adding the sadness of child on top. That feels even worse

wish I could help..and it does hurt and I think we need to admit that..
DB helps us to be stronger and gives us strategies to deal with bad times but it does not take them away..
I am embarrased to admit this but I am on AD at the moment after a total meltdown in the doctors.. they help
MY H did have the good grace to look shocked because I had to sk him to read the information in the packet for me ( my medicalvocabulary in this langauge is not up to par). He said
these are for bad neck pain..
I only said.. I know what they are for and it is not neck pain, are there any negative symptoms I need to look out for. he told me what they might be . repeated they must be for neck pain.. I put the tablets away.. no more comment..
If I had not had to tell him I would not have..
but they do give me some control during the day... I was beginning to have panic couldn't focus on my work..etc..

People have different views on chemical aids but they do keep me functioning for now..

and I agree that the OW should not be with your son..
but it falls under one of those " can't make someone else do what you want categories". How to enforce it without an ugly scene...
Wish I had wise advice but we are both swimming in the same sea at the moment..and I can only empathise and send positive thoughts
Hang in there..

Hi Melissa

great advice- especially the argument idea

Where did you get to be so smart!
I am going to remember that..

Melissa - good advice to think about my goals. Thank you. Things continued to escalate. H was being mean to my stepsons and I intervened. (I knew intervening wasn't going to help my case but in the moment the kids were more important. ) H was all "F you F off. I hate you you are pathetic I never want to see you. " so at this point I think I am done. Even if he ever was in a different place I don't think I could trust him or feel emotionally safe again.

For now my goal is to protect myself and the kids. I am going to go back to following the rules because I think that will help me get through whatever comes next.

I don't know. We'll see how I feel in the morning.

Lou- I have no problem with pharmaceuticals and I am glad you have something to help you get through the day and I hope your weekend with H goes ok. I actually made an appt to get a prescription but I have to wait a few weeks still.

So in the light of day I see that I do need to continue DB for the sake of my sanity and attempting to regain a decent relationship with H for sake of kids. The mess last night spilled over this morning when I had to stop H from giving S the wrong medicine. He accused me of not keeping him informed (2 days ago I tried to give him all the info) I asked him what would be the best way to get him info re: s. He started huffing and I asked him to stop talking to me like that. He said he would be nice if I just left him alone. I asked him if we should revisit the option of him moving to basement which has a separate entrance. He said stop telling him what to do.

I see now that while I think I am listening to what he is saying and trying to proceed in a way that gives him what he wants He sees it as me being confrontational and controlling.

So do I just pick up where I left off with DBing and act like the last 24 hours never happened.?

I did call him after I left this morning just to tell him about a road block. He said thank you and we hung up.

The non controlling is tricky

It is something I am working at .
My H said asking to go into town when he went for a hair cut was controlling a month ago.. I thought it was being company..
so have to be really careful

I am thinking that validating what they are saying might work-

DB for your sanity at the very least.. good luck..

I can imagine how difficult it is when the wrong medicine might be used.. it is not just about some one's feelings then.

I have been pretty consistent with DB for last 2 days. Kept my distant for the most part and hung out with the kids while he worked on a project. A few times he even approached me to show me what he was working on. I expressed interest and asked a few questions but didn't overdo it.

Here is the pattern I am noticing. When we have an extended time with minimal contact with OW (bulk of the day when all kids are around) he is ok to be around and following DB rules is easy. Then he goes out and has contact (either in person or on phone) and He is back to being hostile and hateful. The only way to stick to DB is just to run and hide.

There are othet patterns that revolve around him drinking but I don't think that was the case tonight.

1 baby step forward and then a huge step back

Actually, DB-ing, or the goal of it anyway, is he's nice = you're ok, he's hostile and hateful = you're ok. If you need to run and hide for now, ok, but work on disassociating your emotions from his emotions.

Advina- Thank you for your comment. It is taking me a long time to get close to "Being ok" or to even understand that concept. But once I decided that my goal was to protect myself and S and to work towards an amicable relationship with H because we share a child it is much clearer.

I run and hide to escape the onslaught of hostility. But here in my room I am ok. I can't believe I actually have made it to a place where I am saying I sm ok!!! I know the crap he was just spewing is not true. I know that it is coming from some very dark place. I am sad that H is living there right now but I know that I do not live there with him.