So this week we are back to work and our work dynamic. She stops by to see me and talk about work. I listen and validate. In some ways, it's like nothing has changed. She did seem more comfortable around me, we even had some playful banter today. She had to make a difficult decision at work that seemed to make her upset. This evening I called her to see how it all turned out. She was still upset, but suggested she didn't want to talk about work. Usually she can't stop venting. I asked her if anything positive happened today (as per my coach to redirect her negativity). She said no.
She somehow looked older today, but I still saw the beautiful woman I married. I noticed she was wearing earrings she hasn't worn in months. Sigh.
Hi Dragon my friend, I think you needed to change the dynamic too. And, you said some things to her you probably needed to say.
She does sound depressed, I remember feeling like that, that I had no idea how to help myself. It would have been so awesome if my H had done what you did and expressed your concern over it. I miss that he wasn't there for me. I think it was wonderful that you let her know you were there and concerned for her.
We don't always have to be db, there are things that have to be said.
Now that you've said it, let it lie for a few and see what happens.
As always, I appreciate your thoughts. I really do worry about her and not just because I want to get back together. You are right that I had some things I wanted to say. I just did my best to change how I shared my feelings. I don't plan to revisit it for a while. It seems like anything more would be pushing.
Today was like some episode of the Twilight Zone. At work, W asked me to help her setup a computer. She was complaining about work, but oddly apologized for being in a bad mood. I was feeling in a funk because I can't say all the things I would like to, so I left work early. I went to the mall, generally browsing, but also picking up some clothes. On my way to a department store, my W unexpectedly called out to me. Apparently she was headed to the same department store. We walked together and we both commented how we needed to get away from work. We parted ways for different departments and I did not see her again the rest of the day. However, a few hours later she emailed me saying she was sorry I was having a bad day. It was touching, but I struggle with feeling the concern. I want to feel and trust so much more.
This stuff takes time, grasshopper! You need to corral the impatience. There are 20 other guys(I ran out of fingers and toes) on this board right now that wish their sitches were at where yours is.
Look at the positives here from today... She said something about her mood. She called to you at the mall when she could have easily not have... She emailed you later? C'mon, grasshopper... That is some positive stuff!
Go get some ice cream. It works. Honest.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
This stuff takes time, grasshopper! You need to corral the impatience. There are 20 other guys(I ran out of fingers and toes) on this board right now that wish their sitches were at where yours is.
Look at the positives here from today... She said something about her mood. She called to you at the mall when she could have easily not have... She emailed you later? C'mon, grasshopper... That is some positive stuff!
Go get some ice cream. It works. Honest.
I can always count on you MrCAS. I do see them as positives, but when do positives stop being an anomaly or a fluke? I also carry a heavy heart. My birthday is not far off. Then there are the holidays. Our first apart in more than a decade. Then comes January, making it a full year since BD.
I'm avoiding heavy foods and treats. I've lost a lot of weight and I wouldn't mind losing a few more pounds.
When does that happen... Beats me. All I know is that the events of today are positives.
As far as holidays go... They are just another day. Really, that is all they are. So your birthday is coming up? Christmas? New Years? The BD date? You need to stop putting so much significance to these days.
Easier said than done? Maybe. It all depends on your mind set. I just had my first Thanksgiving in twelve years without my W. I spent the day alone. I kept myself busy. I went to pre-holiday at work. I made myself some of my favorite stuff to eat. I watched a lot of football. I kept my mind occupied.
If I hadn't done these things, i could have easily slipped into the bog of self-pity and wallowed in it. Nope. Not going to happen.
As far as the ice creams goes... I eat ice cream after losing a bunch of weight. I exercise moderation. Two small scoops instead of three or four humongous scoops. I eat pizza... two slices instead of half a pie. I don't have to deny myself food I like.
Neither do you.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
Dragon, those are some really positive signs from your W. Really! Your expectations are too high, lower the limbo bar a little more. I know you are wanting to see things move faster and be all better, but it doesn't happen that way. Don't take the small things as flukes or anomalies, look at them in a more positive light, like MrC said. She actually went out of her way to contact you, walk with you, email you...can you see that? It's a beautiful thang. I would give anything for a sign that my H actually went of his way to do something with me. You know why? Because he WANTS to. She WANTED to do those things.
My birthday is also coming up soon, and I have already decided that I am going to do something special just for me. I have no expectations that H will ask me what I want, or want to do anything with me, and that's ok. I wouldn't want him to do it if he didn't WANT to, it would feel awkward and unloving if he did it just because I wanted it. Can you treat yourself to something nice? A day somewhere with something you like to do?
We got through Thanksgiving, we can get through Christmas and New Year's!!! Did the sun still come up? yes? Then we should be grateful we are still kickin'!
Hang in there Dragon, sending warm thoughts your way.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
When does that happen... Beats me. All I know is that the events of today are positives.
As far as holidays go... They are just another day. Really, that is all they are. So your birthday is coming up? Christmas? New Years? The BD date? You need to stop putting so much significance to these days.
Easier said than done? Maybe. It all depends on your mind set. I just had my first Thanksgiving in twelve years without my W. I spent the day alone. I kept myself busy. I went to pre-holiday at work. I made myself some of my favorite stuff to eat. I watched a lot of football. I kept my mind occupied.
If I hadn't done these things, i could have easily slipped into the bog of self-pity and wallowed in it. Nope. Not going to happen.
As far as the ice creams goes... I eat ice cream after losing a bunch of weight. I exercise moderation. Two small scoops instead of three or four humongous scoops. I eat pizza... two slices instead of half a pie. I don't have to deny myself food I like.
Neither do you.
I appreciate what you are saying. The holidays are about much more than not sharing them with my W. They are also the first holidays without my father. A time when I should be able to have the comfort and support of my W, but I don't. They are also a reminder of the family I hoped for and don't have. That is a lot to deal with alone.
I have been contacted by almost forgotten friends in the last few weeks. They check in with me every few days. I can pass an entire evening chatting with them. It helps.
I understand what you are saying about food. I do allow myself the occasional indulgence, in moderation. However, I don't think I get nearly the exercise you do. I've never been one for the gym and this time of year can wreak havoc with my outdoor plans.
Dragon, those are some really positive signs from your W. Really! Your expectations are too high, lower the limbo bar a little more. I know you are wanting to see things move faster and be all better, but it doesn't happen that way. Don't take the small things as flukes or anomalies, look at them in a more positive light, like MrC said. She actually went out of her way to contact you, walk with you, email you...can you see that? It's a beautiful thang. I would give anything for a sign that my H actually went of his way to do something with me. You know why? Because he WANTS to. She WANTED to do those things.
My birthday is also coming up soon, and I have already decided that I am going to do something special just for me. I have no expectations that H will ask me what I want, or want to do anything with me, and that's ok. I wouldn't want him to do it if he didn't WANT to, it would feel awkward and unloving if he did it just because I wanted it. Can you treat yourself to something nice? A day somewhere with something you like to do?
We got through Thanksgiving, we can get through Christmas and New Year's!!! Did the sun still come up? yes? Then we should be grateful we are still kickin'!
Hang in there Dragon, sending warm thoughts your way.
It's always great to hear from you. I do see her actions as positives. It does make me smile to think she wanted to do those things. I just wish I could believe the roller coaster wasn't about to take a dive as has happened with past positives.
I also have no expectations for my birthday which is why I plan to leave for my vacation on my birthday. A hotel room on the beach. The smell of the salt air, the sound of the surf, a bar by the pool. I think it will do me good as long as I don't allow myself to dwell on how I got there.
I'm sure I will get thought the holidays. However, in the south, everything literally shuts down for holidays. It has a very isolating effect that can make someone feel very lonely.
Thank you for the warm thoughts. I continue to hope your sitch. improves.
As I expected, the roller coaster continues. For the first weekend in more than a month, I have had no contact with my W. I went out to a local pub Saturday night just to get out of the house. Today, I googled my wife. I discovered she has created a profile on Google+ using her maiden name. (Not being in her circle, I don't know what information she has posted or who her friends are.) I know all the experts here will tell me that it is par for the course. That it doesn't necessarily mean anything. Knowing all that, it still hurts. It just feels like her actions keep moving in one direction.
