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And sometimes I feel that this is just the way things are and almost forget there is a crisis. I know three years is nothing in this Mlc world but I do wonder sometimes if this is just the way he is. That is when I tend to backslide with my interactions and thoughts with him whether it's saying too much or wanting to call him up 'just because' or fall back into my of ways of thinking.

I know ... I am afraid of having the rug pulled out from under my world again. That's why I am more recently suspicious of h beig ' nice'

Is it controlling or fixing behaviour to call H and tell him how the kids feel? For example tonight I had a heart to heart with D6 - and realised she has major trust issues and built up unexpressed hurt and anger from all of this. I felt like I should tell him this... This is his Daughter and it's her reality as a result of our sitch. Not in an angry way but in a calm way.

Also I tend to think that even though this is H 's crisis, it is OUR situation and how we handle it is important because of the kids. I think that's why I feel less concerned about telling H things because I know my motivation is the kids. Right now to me R would be to rebuild the family and start a new r with H rather than start a new r with H and rebuild the family. Does that make sense?

Busting,

In my view, it is best not to interfere in the R with H and his kids. Take yourself out of the equation for the moment as H needs to learn how to relate with D6 that involves the attendant emotions she has in regard to the trust issue.

However, you can guide and support D6 by allowing her to take ownership of her feelings and ask her if she would feel better if you were to approach H and say, "H, D6 has something she would like to say to you." Then you can move to another room so D6 knows you are nearby for emotional security.

Otherwise, H will think that you've been filling D6's head and feeding into her insecurities. Then he'll target his annoyance and anger to you for "setting" up H. Tread carefully, dear Busting.

I do get what you're aiming for in rebuilding the family. You can honor this by allowing the relationship to flourish between H and D6 by stepping away from their convo.

Make sense?

I do want to add that by doing this allows you to step away from the need to control and/or fix things as they will need to figure out a way to communicate and connect as father-daughter.

Busting, I just wanted to second what Wonka has advised.

This has been my experience every time i've tried to initiate conversations about the kids' hurt with H.

He is now adamant that I've poisoned the kids against him, and that I am the reason they no longer want to go anywhere with him.

Hey Busting,

I had two scenario's with my girls. Same daughter. One was : Daughter has CVS , the triggers are stress and hormones. It can put her in the hospital for approx. seven days, the whole time vomiting. That particular time was shortly after BD.

I did tell my husband for two reasons. One was my daughter's health and safety. Two was the cost of her going into the hospital was high, emotionally and monetarily.

Second time, was when daughter wanted husband to come to her parent's weekend event and H. asked her if it was okay not to come, the whole tickets for a game. She lied and said yes. Then later cried to me about the whole situation. This was when I encouraged HER to be honest with her father.

She had not been honest, and assumed he would rather be somewhere else. That she did not give him a chance to step up.

I told her that she was going to need to express her feelings and what he did with them was something she could not control. She should be honest, express, and then not to expect anything. If it turns out the way she wanted, then she would be pleasantly surprised. Sometimes she'll be surprised and sometimes she won't. It was about releasing her feelings and not manipulating a situation.

Whether we R or not, she has to learn to express herself with her father without fear of rejection or fear of anger. This is the first male she has to practice on , before she enters any relationship with another. She needs to gain confidence in herself and that it is okay to feel what she feels ; not bury something to avoid rejection, anger, or confrontation.

With time it will get easier for her. By the by, she was very happy she did!

WonkA, NLW and Amb thank your your time and perspectives. I really appreciate your sharing. I understand how stepping away from how he decides to interact with the children is th best way for him to facilitate a R with them. I have concerns bcause he lives in another country. He rarely sees them. Maybe 20 percent of his time is spent with them and then it's all fun and games. Although this is new territory for us all... Ok

Hmmmm mayhe I can help D sort through her feelings.... And encourage her to speak with H at Xmas when we meet next? She absolutely refuses to speak to him on the phone... Or encourage her to speak on the phone to him. I don't want her to keep these feelings in longer than needed especially now that we have identified them.

Amb I remember reading about your daughter talking to her father on the phone. I was very moved by that. Your D was brave and you supported her so well I thought.

I would like to break the cycle of avoiding feelings and keeping them inside. Both my h and I came from that type of family background... Just getting on with it and not talking about how one feels.

Because of how D is feeling I woke up today feeling very angry at H. Conversation in head is me telling him it's finished - he doesn't deserve us and he can live in his fairy land or all of eternity for all I care!

I understand you on that Busting... that you feel the need to break this cycle of forcing down feelings and not addressing them. I see this going on with my son and it breaks my heart.

I do think it would be good for you to help your daughter sort through what she is feeling and at least write it down. Then let her decide what she feels like she needs to do with it. Send it as a letter, call him and tell him, wait until the home visit. It should be up to her what she feels is best.

I wish I had taken this own tact. I sent my H a message letting him know what son is going through and he basically replied with "son is having issues because you yell stuff around him" not "ok, that's a problem and I am sorry my decisions are having a bad effect on him." You never know how it will shake out.

Aww thanks Busting.

I was so pleased at her courage, and yes even the outcome. It was very difficult for her, but the next time it will come a bit easier. Hopefully it will be the start of a better relationship with her dad and help with her possible future relationships. The more they do it on their own, the more confidence they'll gain.