Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 2

I don't think this is a good idea at all. You are so early into this, and no matter what you say or do you'll lose. It is also liable to end up heated. Perhaps writing it or just act "as if".

This is the anger stage, it is better to just validate, and move forward. I would discuss finances though. Prior to all of this, what was the arrangement? Were you comfortable with it? Has he stated why things are different?

Also, sometimes I write affirmations on my kitchen chalkboard. Things that make me think. Things about happiness, inner love, respect, what marriage is about, forgiveness, anger. Here is one for your chalkboard...

' Happiness is about taking. Meaning is about giving.
Happiness is fleeting, joy endures in meaning. "

Amba,

I love that. I'm going to write that sucker down. Thank you.

Tiger,

I agree with Amba. I'd hold off on the daily R talks right now, regardless of how brief. You may be setting yourself up for more crud and you don't need MORE crud. Less crud is the goal.

Tiger, remember you are awesome. Sooooo Awesome.

Heather

The arrangement before now was basically he makes the money and I spend it. I don't need an explanation as to why he thinks the arrangement has changed. He considers us "broken up". :P

We are now: quasi-roommates who have a child together and share some household goals, and occasionally have some manner of "benefits", although one of the roommates purports to be in a committed relationship with someone else." *cough* The old arrangement was a lot simpler.

He paid the mortgage and bills and made all the money, I did all other shopping, school/activity spending for son, household stuff that came up, putting gas in the car, etc. There was a budgeted amount in mind for this stuff, but it was not super strict. I could spend money on little extras as I wanted to as well, only bigger purchases needed some discussion.

You are probably right about the talking not being good. I don't think he will bite anyways. I just wanted him to know I am trying to address what HE sees as "the problem" concerning son in this situation and that I am open to communication both ways if that is something he wants.

Also I think I need clarification. Since I haven't read the book yet I am going on a definition of "As if" that seems to change a little depending on who is talking about it in the forum.

Am I acting "as if" nothing is wrong and everything is going to work out? As if I am totally all about moving on? "As if" I don't give a crap anymore?

Maybe this is one of those things were I have embraced the wrong meaning of the concept.

Do you think finances is a critical enough thing I should try to push the issue before Christmas?

I do also have some emergency funds, but I am loathe to use it for anything that is short of an emergency. I consider it on loan from my parents temporarily and don't want to spend a cent of it unless someone is actually bleeding or starving to death.

And certainly I don't want H to know I have it.

That's a hard one to define Tiger. Maybe it's a little bit different for everyone?

IMHO, I think of "As If" as being your best self. Imagine yourself confident, full of self-respect and strength... You are beautiful and you deserve someone who reflects that image. You be your best self, even if you feel "not so much." Be that person.

I can tell you what "As if" is NOT...

Needy. Insecure. Bitchy. Self-Righteous. Scared like a bunny rabbit. Immature. Unable to function without that ONE person in your life.

Wow, this is a good exercise.

Here's mine:

I'm strong. I'm powerful. I'm able to handle whatever Smokey throws at me and I convey this to him in the way I carry myself. I'm happy in my own skin. I'm loving myself--ALL of myself, regardless of his criticism or judgment. I know I am beautiful and kind and worthy. I walk and act AS IF I know all this and I'm dammm proud of myself and what I've achieved. I will thrive with you or without you. I'm good with myself.

Also, in my opinion, the finances should be dealt with sooner than later.

I imagine you have a pretty good idea of your expenses at this point. Write them down. Come up with a monthly figure. Don't short change yourself. Be fair, but good to yourself and your son.

Get it in writing. I think it's important for your own sanity to have this stuff written down. You discussed this the first night we met. It must still be bothering you, so take action.

If your H is the kinda guy who abides by verbal agreements, then, all the better, get it written down. Get him to sign it and, hell, have it notarized. You don't have a legal marriage so this stuff may be the thing that will save you if he goes wayyyyy off the deep end.

That's my .02.

Heather

Tiger, that is most definitely your decision. I would discuss the finances , so you are both on the same page.

Whether he considers you "broken up" or not he is the breadwinner and you are married! Whatever the budget was before, should be in play now.

If there has not been any issues with spending before, then this needs to be addressed in a calm matter of fact way. Perhaps if you write up a budget and present him with a copy. Show the expenses for your son, household, gas, and toiletries. If he is dining out or spending on trips, gifts, this needs to be addressed. You should be able to the movies, events , and have a clothing stipend , especially if you are going to work.

He may choose to believe you are roomies, but you are not and there is a fiduciary responsibility to you and your son.

Amen to everything above TL. Why would H suddenly think he doesn't need to support his son and the person that cares for his son the way he always has. Whether he wants to love you, be married to you, be roomies, or whatever; the fact remains that you take care of your son and the household. His funding should reflect that.

Ambi,

We are not legally married, so in his mind he is going above and beyond what he "owes" me at the point. Which is a pretty ridiculous mindset to have, but it is what it is.

I think it's scary that he sees this as "above and beyond." I visited several attorneys for free just to gather my facts. You have a son and a long term relationship. I think it's really, really important, for your peace of mind to get some legal advice. Better safe than sorry.

Again, that's just my two cents.