Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 2

Well, the good news is the mortgage payment went through yesterday and there is STILL money in the bank account! *silver linings*

Seems H also spent less money eating out this week. It will be interesting to see if that trend continues or if this was just a fluke. (Would it be too much analyzing you think if I plugged this into Excel and ran graphs? LOL)

Tiger

Get DB out again and start reading.

If your interactions with H about money are getting so silly you're losing your head then it's time to sit down and sort out an allowance. No asking, no begging. Cash given to you weekly. End of!

As for cooking for him....he's not part of your family now.....he chose that.....no more cooking, no more asking, get on with your life.

If him living in his cave/den isn't working for you/s then consider discussing that too.

Tigerlily,
I agree w/CC, time to set up an allowance for you so that you don't have to ask your h for the debit card or for money. Why don't you have your own debit card to the account? Many banks will provide two, one for the husband and one for the wife. You shouldn't have to ask for money, especially for the necessities. He could also give you a weekly allowance in cash as well.

Now, he's going to play the long lost relative and not be a part of the family, then cease the things that you've been doing for him, i.e., cooking, laundry, etc. He needs to understand that this is how it will be if someone splits from the family. Right now, you are playing his "mom" and that's not your role. If he's late for dinner, don't wait, go ahead and eat. The same applies to anything else that he does or doesn't do.

Live your life to the fullest because life is far too short to play "mom" to a grown man who thinks he's 19.

It is most hard to see the impact of this on our kids. our boys who need their dad to be a dad

Tiger,

I concur, act "as if" he doesn't live there anymore. Don't wait for him for dinner, don't do laundry, set a budget, and still look awesome and smell great. It's going to be a bit...

If he leaves it's desertion, this way he can't be held accountable for his behavior. As for being his mom, with MLC it sets YOU up to be the one he is rebelling against.

Oh, and the lock is eeeeasy, when he's not home a locksmith can get you a key... it is your house too. BUT use it wisely, and brace yourself for whatever. If you need to know financials, and prepare yourself for needing evidence of fraud, etc. Even though I have hope ...I have quite the little cache for an attorney if need be. I subscribe to " Hope for the best, PREPARE for the worst.

Do you guys have paper checks? If so, use those instead of Debit and then " hide the hat " if you need some cash. Where I am you can write for 50.00 over. If not you can always purchase things you don't need, turn around and return them for cash back.

Hi Tiger,

The folks above are right ... stop doing things for him ... cooking, laundry, etc. You are not his Mom, cook and maid!

Is your bank account a joint account? If so, go to the bank and get your own debit card. If not, I would probably go to some kind of ultimatum ... either a budget (cash or my own card) for household expenses or I would stop doing those "little" things for him. As a matter of fact, I would cook enough for S and I and tell him I didn't have enough money to buy enough food for three.

Tiger, I know the plan is to be what he wants to come home to, but at some point you have to stop the cake eating. He has his "retreat" to get away from aspects of OW that he isn't really happy with and then you to fulfill those aspects of his life. Let him know that you are not going to play that role.

At some point they have to realize that they have to make a choice and right now he doesn't have to do that. He has he best of both worlds .... his R with her and you his control over you. Take back control!

I am really, really in your corner. Stay strong, dig deep inside. You know what you need to do. We can give you advice until the cows come home, but only you know the steps that you need to take in your sitch. We are here to help you accomplishment it.

AJM, I don't have a debit card for this account because I used to have a card on a subaccount which we dropped due to fees, and so we just kept the main account and I think this account only has my H's name on it. Maybe not. Checks are now locked in the office. I don't WANT to have to be sneaky and underhanded anyways... doing so will only reinforce his paranoid delusions. :P

I know what you are saying is right about the money situation. Right now I just feel like when I DO bring up the money stuff it ends up being WWIII and gets all blown out of proportion about how *I* am the one who cannot be trusted and that the money is ALL I care about etc. I have broached the subject and he basically gave me the "I'll think about it, I just haven't had time to make any plans." (Funny how he has time to eat out and play games and watch YouTube, but something as simple as taking out cash at an ATM is time consuming beyond his ability.)

It has only been 8 weeks since BD, only 4 - 5 weeks he has been not sleeping here. I don't think there is any happy medium for me to play in pursuing the money issues. No matter how calm and rational I am in laying out the facts and what I think should happen, he will almost certainly hear that am being a crazy money grubbing b*tch right now. So I'm not sure I get anything out of that. I don't think he WILL agree to the solution and on top of it I get the negative perception.

I do know that these conversations need to happen again. But I was thinking that waiting until after Christmas might be better. Is that crazy? I don't know. I do already feel like if I just stepped off of it for awhile and gave space that he might come to his own solution. He is already spending more time here. That is a change in one direction not the other, if it seems like we stay stuck there for awhile, then I think it would be worthwhile pushing for a change.

I do also see a little movement in terms of the money stuff. Before he had to GO WITH to do the shopping, then it was "let me see the list first and bring me the receipt", now he offers the card and he doesn't even ask for the receipt.

I also think the money thing is about him trying to reestablish a line of "decision making/ head of household role" that he feels we was left out of before. So in a sense I have taken this as a 180 in the short term... for now I can allow him that sense that his decisions matter and are important. That I wouldn't just run off and do something without his consent (even though his current decision has really given me every right to do so).

I unfortunately do not have DB/DR book yet. Have plans to get to the library this week and finally renew my expired library card so I can check them out.

I have been hoping I can land one of these job, so then it is less of an issue and it is out of his hands what I can and can't spend money on and when.

H replies to messages finally.

"I read your messages.

If you want me to have a comfortable relationship with son
then you should not yell certain things in front of him."

I see what he did there. So it's about me yelling stuff and not about his behavior. Wow that MLC brain sure is clever in the "not taking any accountability" department.

Yeah nothing is their fault. I've stopped saying anything that can remotely be taken the wrong way. As for the money he should be giving you a set amount each week for groceries and necessities. He can't expect you to run the household with no money.

As for the lock I'm sure Google could help you out there.

I replied:

I am working on not yelling stuff, I know it is hurtful to all of us and I don't want to do it.

I talked to son's counselor today about it briefly. She suggested that we set aside a time each day for both of us to get what we need to off our chest, that it might help. I told her I was not sure if you would be open to that, but that I would let you know. I will continue to explore other strategies on my own.

There were questions posed to me by son about the nature of this situation well before I started yelling stuff... as to why your "needing time and space to figure out what makes you happy" kept you away from home at night. Which friend you are staying with, etc. The night you left us to find a ride to Boy Scouts with short notice started a lot of it. The weekend of your birthday also raised many questions.

Son's counselor is also having to do a dance around certain topics in their sessions so that she does not reveal anything that we have not fully disclosed to him. She worries that being evasive and vague about certain topics may undermine the trust of their counseling relationship, but for the time being still thinks it is better to spare him the details than to undermine what sense of stability he still has for now in the home setting. "No reason to make him worry more than he has to right now" kind of thing. That assessment may change as time goes on.