I called back. We both said hey. She asked how I was doing. I said I'm good. I paused and asked how are you? She delayed in saying I'm good. She asked what I wad doing. I was cleaning cat vomit. Oh. She was at the mall and asked if she could call later and if I would be around. I said ok, I should be.
It felt a bit weird. We haven't talked in just over two weeks. And that was divorce talk.
You know why. She wasn't/isn't getting her needs met in her current situation and turned elsewhere to satisfy them.
Does it matter how long?
If she says it won't continue, will you trust her answer? If she says it will, does that change what you will do? Besides, asking that question can feel like pressure.
My advice is figure out where your boundary is regarding the affair before you talk that her. State it in a non - threatening way and be prepared to enforce it.
If you are willing to give her time and space and accept the affair as part of that, you need to maintain no contact. For you, not her and not the marriage.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
If it is an affair and she still wants divorce I know it doesn't necessarily mean it's over. The right now is but there is always the possibility of reconciliation.
At some point we will talk. I'm in bed now so if she calls I may not get up. It's been a week of phone tag. At least she did answer earlier and it was a brief interaction.
The affair is a symptom of her unhappiness, however that is within her, not something you can FIX or CONTROL.
You need to LET GO and give her SPACE.
If you can do that there is always a chance. There is always HOPE.
You must move forward with your life and live "as if" There are no guarantees here but I believe that the LBS gets to decide on this relationship in the end.
And if you have not yet decided then it is not yet the end.
Yes read DR and DB, stop pursuing, detach and GAL.
Make yourself into a person that only a fool would leave.
She expects me to always answer, be available, call back. Not doing that is a 180. I've been doing that for a while. But when we need to talk, or she wants to talk, the phone tag is annoying, avoidance, and confusing. I'm sure the Times of NC bother her.
When we had the divorce talk she told me we needed to talk one evening in text. I replied right away, we planned on the next day, she texted often that day wanting to know a good time. Then we talked. Not what I expected or wanted to hear.
About a week ago the family friend kept saying show her you love her, that you believe in your marriage, and you will fight for it. And the not calling was looking like I didn't care. She said that several times.
This is a hard part. Don't pursue but show I still believe in our marriage, love her, etc. I can tell her but this seems like pursuing. The letter I wrote arrived Monday and she called first thing Tuesday. I was asleep. She was busy later that day. We texted that night. Then I left it alone to organize thoughts and feelings. Yesterday she's calling.
Idk if the letter made much differance. She is still in the state and mindframe of hurting, detaching in many ways, and stuck on her decision of divorce, and of course the affair. I'm sure somethings got through but that is up to her.
Idk if both spouses cry during divorce talk but it meant something to me that she did. Also then avoidance, halfway trying to talk (she's calls the house when she knows I'm away at work.) She's been trying more lately though.
I'm just not sure where we stand and feel like I can't ask right now. If she's in the affair and she wants to tell me, I can't stop that.
I can't really show progress and changes because she is a state away.
I'm sorry BH, but in her mind she's not having an affair cause your marriage is over. It just needs to be finalized.
Your old marriage is gone. Do not for a second think that this version of your marriage is fixable. If you want to be married then its going to be a completely new version. Its also going to take a year or two.
A lot of your responses come from the "Us", "We", or "Our" prospective. Or, even worse, "She is doing this.....", "She is doing that...."
I want you to look up cooking classes in your area. Or if there is a local community college, look up classes. A dance class maybe. Something that will get you out of the house, something that you can meet some new people, something that you can have some fun doing, be a bit mysterious, a change of pace. These will all help you detach, grow, expand yourself. Don't sit back and let life pass you by.
