Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife Said She's Done

WOW, that is a really good quote, so true. I've never thought about that way. It makes me feel worse about myself. I've been saying to myself, I dont understand why she is feeling this way, I just know she is and no words can change that.

We talked last night and she actually admitted that this whole D thing [censored]. So I guess she is feeling something.

It actually got a little heated about the D papers and how she made plans for me to pick them up. She said she didnt want to embarrasse me at work or have them show up at home with the kids around. I finally agreed and said your right. This is so HARD.

So here is where Im at now an what I've been doing.
- I have not had a drink in 44 days.
- I have not dipped in 37 days.
- Working out 3+ days a week
- I have been sleep on the couch, without hesitation.
- I waking up early and help with the kids in the morning (I never use to)
- Im really listening to her, and keep eye contact and dont interrupt
- I dont talk to her much, if I do its "how was your day", plans with the kids, or pick up times, really small stuff.
- I dont text or email her

I feel Im doing my best to give her space, I feel like Im trying but Im so scared. Is there anything more I should or shouldn't be doing

I just ordered the DR book. It appeared to be the better starting point for my situation. hopefully Im correct.

I have yellow post it note that I folded in half and keep in my wallet
on the outside I drew a simple picture of a Martini glass.....
On the inside (the sticky part- so it seals) I have the following

1/7/12- Your wife just told you that she wanted to leave you. You have been distant and miserable the last 6 months. She loves you but is not in love with you. You might lose your beautiful family because of your choices.

I just took that out of my wallet and opened it up for the first time in a VERY long time to share with you. I wrote that at 11pm about 1 hour after the bomb.

I keep that with me as a reminder. I dont even need to open it because I know its there and what it says almost by heart because when I wrote it I had never been so low- I had just come home from a monday night drinking with my friends.

Was I a drunk- NO! But I certainly used it as an escape- and when I escaped I withdrew, and I withdrew from her.

Was I under alot of stress? hell yes - no excuse

44 days- good start

I know with all of my heart that you would do anything to save your marriage right now....I was there

But the real problem you need to solve right now is this.....
Why did you need to numb yourself with 5-6 drinks a night and all that dip???????

Answer that question and you will be on your way to a better life

OR

keep not drinking and not dipping only in hopes of keeping your family and when the rollercoaster ride begins find yourself drinking again.

This is why Cadet calls this "The gift of time"
use it to fix you

your worth it

Thanks for the reply positivespin. and sorry to hear about your situation too, I hope your W is willing to reconcile and the 2 of you can restore your M.

To answer your question, I knew it was not health for me to drink that much, but it was a horrible habit I had. At first I quite drinking for her, Now I am feeling so good without it I am doing it for myself and I feel fantastic about it.

Hey Scott. I'm sorry you find yourself here but keep posting, keep listening.

I don't think its ever too late to save your relationship, even post D, so dig in. The truth is, if you do the work, you will most certainly save yourself, regardless whether you reconcile.

There's a lot of mind reading in your post....recognize it and try to avoid it. You can't know what she is thinking and questioning it over and over isn't productive.

I think you dodged PS's question...whether intentional or not. "Why?" was the question. Dig into that...its the starting place.

Didnt mean to dodge the question.

What I would say now is I thought the drinking was fun. It seemed to me we were stuck in a rut and all we did was work, chores, kids, dogs, repeat. I kept tell my W that we need to go have some fun, but she couldn't stand a dirty house, laundry, etc etc. She was truly obsessed with these things. So I would drink and still help with all those things every day/night. It made them more fun/tolerable to do every single day.

This might not be the place for this, so sorry in advance.

First off I would love for the 2 of us to reconcile and begin a new life together, but Im also worried about D day and my finances. (not that we have that much money) but...

Should I talk with her about my concerns of opening separate checking accounts? My thought is that if it happens Im going to have to be prepared.
We both work, (she just recently full time)

Or does this go against DB, DR and Sandi2's rules?

Why do you feel the need to open separate accounts?

Honestly

I feel out of control. She is calling all the shots and I dont know how to act feel etc. She is in FULL BUSINESS mode, I feel I need to act that way too. I also just got the call that Im being served paper, so thats not helping anything. Im thinking about Christmas coming up and she will be buying presents for her family with, at-least some of my money. We make about the same amount of money now, and I guess I just feel like what is fair is fair.

The more I type the more I feel that Im am way off base here. I am truly an emotional roller coaster. I AM NUMB.

Keep posting here, it helps.

Try to focus on you and not her or what she is doing, yes easier said than done.

I would suggest letting her make the moves. Try your hardest not to react to anything she does, take it in, breathe and post here before making any big decisions.

This is really hard stuff.

Get out and GAl