Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis A twist on cake-eating & dropping a bomb of my own

I know, my Mom was always terrible for that too. Everyone else has to walk her talk, but not her. And today here I am doing it. At least I realize I am doing it!

My H is at home today, so it's not so easy. Mostly he has given me the opportunity to talk and I have said some things I probably shouldn't have. I don't know... so far it doesn't seem like the sky is falling because of it. *crosses fingers*

Okay ... the doubt starts creeping in.

These "good signs" could very well be an attempt on his part to bring me back to being the "good business partner" who will give him what he wants - a divorce and run his business here. Have to be on guard for that one. I hate this!

H knows how much I hate that business over there and that I feel like everything that is unhappy in my life is somehow related to his "mistress," the business over there.

I've been trying to think of a good, evil, sinister name for that place. I've come up with Factorina and Factoria, but those don't really convey how I feel. I need a good, nasty name - like twinkle twat.

Suggestions?

I am patting myself on the back!

H left a week ago. I haven't sent any nasty messages to him like I was prone to do before. I've only sent two initiating texts (one was when I came on and found the alarm had been triggered and I went into panic mode). I think I've done a really good job.

The result: He knows what time my alarm goes off in the morning and for the past 4 mornings he has texted within minutes and we chatted for about 30 minutes during "coffee time." He has to be watching the clock to get the timing right.

Then he has called a few hours later each day ... mostly to see how things have been going with the business, but also asking about things I've been doing (Christmas prep, etc.)

He has called me honey and sweetie a couple of times on the phone, but he tends to call a lot of people that. Still, it's a step up from "hey." When I hear some terms that were only for me, like Baby Girl, I'll know I'm getting somewhere. This morning he texted that he missed me. I've heard that before, so caution is necessary, but he seems to be mellowing.

Anyway, it's been a good week. Maybe just a baby step or two, but no backsliding. Yeah, me! I feel good about that and it seems to be making a small difference.

He needs new tires on his hi-tech sports car that I love to drive (now!) and has hinted several times that I could get that done. I debated about it for a while and finally decided to go ahead and do it for him. It will be a nice gesture, but it's also for me. I am afraid to drive it when it's raining with questionable tires and I love the "butt warmer" this time of year ... so I can do something for me and make a great gesture of "acts of service" at the same time.

His LL language seems to be acts of service, so I think the tire thing will go well. I just wished he realized that acts of service are not high on my list. Sigh. Maybe someday we can discuss the 5 LL's.

He'll be home in about 12 days, but only for about 5 days, so if I can keep it together for the next 3 weeks and db my butt off for 5 days, maybe I will make some headway.

Hugs to all the MLC's LBS's out there!

2t2m

2times,

I know what a pain it is to feel like you have to second guess everything. Why can't anything nice just be for the sake of being nice? I guess in a way we have to just approach these things as being legit and appreciate them, and just remember there is a chance of it being not what we thought it was.. be prepared for it, but not assuming that is the case before it's clear.

It sure is hard to be optimistic sometimes.

I am glad to see you had a pretty good week. Anytime you have progress and don't feel like you had a backslide, I would definitely call that a win.

Good luck and keep busting, I hope H's time at home goes well.

Wow - another good day. H phoned almost the minute I got out of bed this morning! One of the things I talked about when he was home last time was the lack of communication when he was over there and he has definitely stepped up to the plate. Last weekend I barely heard from him and now it seems he is making an effort to meet "my need."

I just don't know if he is doing that because he wants me to stay connected to help run his business here or if it is because he is really turning a corner.

I did say something to him about the possibility he may not come back on schedule because things weren't on schedule over there. He said he was definitely not changing his plans regardless of what was going on over there ... that if things weren't going as planned it would just have to wait until he gets back. That is huge, if true. For the past 6 months what is going on over there has taken precedence over everything else in his life, including me.

What I would love to see - and is on my goals list - is a change to be here longer rather than shorter. I can always hope, right?

2t2m

That's fantastic that he seems like he is stepping up to address one of your needs you mentioned. Also, very cool that he seems committed to coming home on time, no matter what.

I would caution though that if you KNOW things back in Factoryland are running behind schedule, I would probably not make it a goal of yours for him to change his plans to stay longer here. I just don't think it is probably a very realistic goal and I don't want you to set yourself up for disappointment. It *could* happen, but it seems like the real life pressures/expenses/etc weighing on the company side of things probably will make that really unlikely.

A better goal might be for specific interactions you want to have while he is home with you. (bath together, talk in bed, talk again about what you both see as the future direction of the company and your role, etc)

So glad we are online at the same time.

One of my more long term goals was that he would change plans to be here longer rather than shorter. So I see his firmness to not change his schedule as half a plus? I'm not expecting that to happen now, but maybe in the future?

I will try the bath time again. Hopefully, he won't be so uncomfortable this time! If I could get him in my bed for "snuggles" that would be awesome. He seems to avoid that.

Maybe offer a massage? Or a "you rub my back, I'll rub yours kind of thing." And see where that gets you.

Well, two steps forward, one step back!

When H was here last, he said he would do a better job of communicating with me on this trip and he really did a great job last week. So, I did a little cheerleading and sent a message telling him I've enjoyed our "coffee time" (when he usually contacts me) and said thanks for taking the time.

So, this morning I get a text telling me he is busy running errands and then I hear nothing else the remainder of the day. And this is his day off. Really? Saying thanks makes him distance and ignore me? It stings - but he will never know that!

Was I wrong to send the message? What do I do now? He seemed to mellowing and reaching out a little and now I feel like I have to go back to being no contact unless he initiates it.

I know he did have a social affair last night with a group of guys (at least, that's what he said) and was out partying until the wee hours. He included that in his text and said he had a good time.

I guess he got a dose of the fantasy life he has over there and put me on the back burner again. Ugh!

2Times, there could be different reasons why he didn’t call. He could be really busy with something, it could part of distance/pursue dynamic, he could have a bad day or something else. At least he texted you, which is a good sign that he still tries to keep the communication. Maybe your cheerleading scared him a bit. Like job constantly reminds us, just sit quite and wait, the answers will come to you.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with you saying thanks to him. The only way to know if this is really the reason for him to pull back is to try again. If the reaction is the same, then you will know the answer. So, maybe then you need to pull back too.