Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Still trying to get up that great Big Hill...

Yes, my H told me I could see other people. !!!

I just said 'I am married' and stared him straight in the eye. I know it was an attempt to justify his actions.

My question was really around the difference between someone being afraid of losing you versus wanting to be with you. I think about someone else only because I am severely lonely for physical touch. That in itself is not a good reason to be with someone else when I am married. I want to show him this time that I believe in this marriage and him enough to tough it out through this difficult time.

Hi Linda! I don't think dating someone right now would feel good. It wouldn't feel right. It WOULD feel like a game and that does not feel good to me. I'm not saying I want to date someone, just that is what shocked him last time.

I was more expressing how I had done these things in the past and it did shake him up to the point of coming back. But it always felt like he did it because he didn't want to lose me, not because he wanted to be with me. Maybe I am trying to divide the line too much here. Still trying to analyze everything, so it will make sense. But I guess now is not the time for anything sensical. LOL.

I think I really need to focus on the fact that even though he is one of the nicer mlc'ers and things seem so d@mn normal at times (mostly all the time), that he is still in crisis and has been for quite a while.

He HAS recognized that I have made changes and done some deep soul-searching. And I have even seen a small shift in his own thinking about certain things. Although not the major things that I would like to change, I have seen that he has been thinking just a tad deeper than usual.

I still do seem some of his extreme insecurity about himself and that just makes me sad for him. Like last night he was stretching out on the couch, next to the dog, and the way he was stretched out looked kind of GQ and sexy, lol. So I said 'Look at YOU all stretched out and sexy laying there on the sofa'. So he immediately turns to the dog, and says 'Look dog, she thinks you are all cute and sexy'. I said 'No YOU are the one.' He just said 'Pffffft, nah not me, hardly.' He might have said something before like You know it or flexed his muscles with a naughty smirk. Now he doesn't believe in himself. Kind of sad.

sorry, I guess I misunderstood Pud. My H has no self confidence either. Our poor, depressed, insecure Hs. Reaching out to these OW when all the love and admiration they might need is right there at home. Oh well.

I'm glad your H seems to be thinking. I thought my H was thinking LOL when he delivered his last R lecture in October, but has become much more withdrawn and sad since then. Oh well.

Onward and upward Pud. Detach! Charge!

Hey Linda, I probably didn't express it well either. That's what happens when I start rambling, lol, no worries.

I'm going out for a drive. I'll be back lateh!

Rosa, have you looked back at the MLC phases recently? It could be your H is finally starting to head toward the Depression/Withdrawal stages. That could be actual movement, but yes the nature of the journey is that things have to get very dark before they can pass through the tunnel and back out. Just hold on to that thought and give him the space he would need in that phase.

Pud, I know how you feel about trying to make sense of the nonsensical. It's a losing battle and yet we can't seem to help ourselves from trying.

I laughed at the situation with the dog. But you are right, that it seems like our H's aren't comfortable hearing positive affirmations from us. When we say things it's like they think that can't believe them and/or don't deserve them. If some random tramp down the food chain said it they would be eating it up and acting as if they deserve every bit of it. It's such a weird deal.

This conversation is so déjà vu. My wife can't accept any positive statements from me. I have always told her how beautiful she was inside and out. Even 35 pounds ago before she was taking hottie pics of herself, coloring her hair, and dying her eyebrows. Eyebrows? I can't believe I wrote that again. At one point, she even told me none of my statements meant anything to her because I had to say them cause I was married to her. But she gets her jollies now by getting 100's of likes on her FB posts and 100's of followers on Instagram. Along with that, she has found her "soulmate love" with a guy who is 40, never been married, lives alone with his cat and hosts pool parties for younger friends. Even admitted at one point that he gives her nothing that I couldn't give her if she allowed me to. All the affirmation needed right in front of them.

tiger, always make me laugh, "random tramp down the food chain". LOL! But you always give the best advice...you are so sharp with all of this stuff!

JF, My H used to tell me I looked beautiful all the time too, even 40 lbs ago, now...I hear nothing. Although he did say my hair looked nice the other day after I got it done. So, ok maybe not nothing. But I would like to hear things about my body!

The eyebrows...again with the eyebrows! Haha, jk.

Yep, I believe they feel so low about themselves and they KNOW that we think they are hot and beautiful but they need to get the affirmation from other people. Sigh, livin in crazeh-ville!!!

I agree that tiger gives good advice!

And yes they can't seem to take positive affirmations from us. I tend to get a grunt like sound as a response!

hello busting, I used to get the grunt too, now at least I get words...small positive.

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The days after thanksgiving were odd to say the least. I felt so alone most of the weekend. On Friday, S and H went out motocross riding at a friend's house who has a nice dirt track. By myself most of the day, they didn't invite me. Then on Saturday, S and H spent most of the day in the garage working on bikes and cars...By myself most of the day. Then on Sunday they went out riding again, I was by myself most of the day. So Sunday I got in my car and went for a long drive, to places here that I've never seen and always wanted to. I left a note on the garage door that I went out and would be back in a while.

When I got home before dinner time, I see a note on the garage door. 'I went out for football night and S is with friend, he will be home at 8:30'. So I spent the night with..you guessed it ...myself. I took a bath with candles, painted my toenails, but was completely lonely and longing for someone to spend time with. It really sucked as far as the pma...

We did spend Fri and Sat nights together as a family but it was watching tv, not really interacting or anything. Bo-ring.

For some reason I felt kind of miffed that he would leave a note where I would leave a note and because I left a note. LOL, I know it's stupid but it kind of hurt for some reason.

Then after S and I were asleep and H got home around 10ish. He puttered around getting ready for bed and then it was all quiet. I came downstairs and into his room and couldn't see a dang thing, so i said where are you and was feeling the air. I lay down on the bed next to him and said 'Can you hold me?' He just said 'why's that?' I didn't answer and just grabbed his hand and brought it over me so we could spoon. There were no objections from him and he even grabbed my thumb and was holding it tight. We lay there like that for about 10 minutes. I was trying hard not to cry.

Then after a few he started getting really hot and sweaty, (he's always been on the warm side) and he removed his arm and lay on his back. After a few minutes, I sat up and said 'where are you' again, cuz it was so dang dark in that room and he sat up on one arm and said 'here. just got all sweaty' At that point we hugged a long hug and I said 'thanks for cuddling' and left the room.

Then I went upstairs and quietly bawled my eyes out. Shiz.

Then this morning I didn't have my lights on in my room and was still snoozing. Normally he wouldn't bug me if my lights were off but he actually came up the stairs and poked his head in the door and said 'Hey have a good day' kind of softly, like he knew I was feeling low. I said 'thanks you too' and he left.

So today, I am going to distance, although it feels like this weekend there was a lot of distance on his part.

The loneliness while struggling with all of these intense feelings is so freakin' hard. I know we all feel it, so my HUGS to you all.