Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Me 13 months on, affair finally confirmed.

Yes, I have asked. Even rang this morning, because it was his birthday. Explained why I texted the SIL the message. Advised him he had complete control over what he chose. No answer to what he is going to do.

Added these quotes from F's thread as I replied more about me.
This is such a worry for most of us LBS, have we shown too much of moving on, that they then give up? I have always worried about going dark. It was needed and advised, but what is the only choice?


Yep, been on my mind for a few days also.

Yep, again same thoughts in my mind. How could I have the W back with me again. After so long, and so many different things to learn about her, is it easier to move on now?

But then again, our sitches are different. My W is in an affair with another woman, so all my replies above may not make sense, or maybe they do. Who knows anymore?

It seems the W sent my mum a birthday present this week. Now it has me thinking about Xmas presents and/or cards. I was originally going to do nothing for the W family, bot now?????????
Do I view it as still being married (which I am) and do pressies for all, even though they disowned me ( mindreading)?
Or do I go bugger them and do nothing?
Whichever I go, I still won't be going to the Xmas lunch, or am I wrong with that as well?
If invited should I go?

HWA,
I think these thought’s hits us as an element in the process of detaching. I find it totally normal! We have exchanged the turmoil and anxious feelings of loosing W with a new feeling of “What if” but this thought contains a different kind of turmoil.

What else – that you haven’t tried – would you have done?

It might be easier to move on and IMO that’s what we have to do! We might not have to move to the arms of another woman but we have to move on in the way we look at ourselves and the world.
I try to use this “Build a new R” when I think of this. I am moving on and if a woman asks me on a date tomorrow I will accept it. On the other hand I still love W and I am not a suitable boyfriend/man at this moment in my life. It’s almost like when you fall in love at first but are not together as a couple. You could still talk to others or even date – but the next level just isn’t a possibility.
I hope this makes sense – it’s a little hard for me to explain!
So IMO you can move on and still stand for your M.

Yes they are different in many areas but they also have a lot of similarities if you turn the focus towards us and away from the W.

It is hard for me to advice you here since I don’t have all the details as you do. That said I properly wouldn’t do presents but you can consider doing a card. In fact I am considering doing a card and if I do I will properly put W, MIL and SIL on the list, but leave out the more distant parts of Ws family.


Worry about that if/when they invite you!
Take care!
F

I'm sending a card and present to my MIL and that's it Even if they send me one, which I doubt anyway, I'll still not be sending one. It's not that we've fallen out, but I've got to cut down this year anyway.
F is right, worry about the invitations when you get them. You can always put other plans into place so that when you do get asked you can say sorry but you've made other plans.

Repeat after me: BAHHHH HUMBUG!!!!!! heheheh

How are things, HWA?

To all, still doing fine. A couple of small up and downs on the rollercoaster, but hey, that is just typical for us.
With Xmas coming soon, the mind cannot decide to send cards only to the family (in laws side) or simply ignore them completely. I am in the two frames of mind: I have to keep the door open for the W but she will come with baggage, and that is the family. Or do I simply just go, as 2old said, bar humbug?
Then the big one: do I send a card to the W also, or just a text message on the day "Merry Christmas" hotwheelsaust.
I am so looking forward to getting out of here, only 7 more days to go.
********Also letting everyone know - the internet goes off in two days (Sunday). I won't have access to any facebook and/or possibly this site (sometimes I have it on at school). So don't worry if you don't hear from me for about 2 weeks or so.

****** I am finding a lot of decisions are really getting to be either I am standing for my marriage or the W is in an affair and enough is enough, type fo thoughts.
For example: The car registration will be due in January. Do I pay it, as the W is using this car, or do I send the bill to her? Is she using me to pay for all the bills (she isn't sending half the money or even saying thanks) or am I helping the sitch by quietly doing this (as it is a kind of 180 paying for things without complaining)?
These decisions are getting to be more black and white, with no gray areas. Should I or should I not? It doesn't mean they are any easier.
I also have to look at myself and think maybe a lot of these thoughts are simply because I am leaving in one weeks time. Mabye it is just the mind playing with me.
Yesterday marked the day the W believed we started separation, so she has the right to go online and file for divorce.

In regards to other things in my sitch:
* No relatives, friends or sons have mentioned anything about the affair being confirmed by the W.
* No paperwork from the solicitor about legally allowing the house/s to be taken over. Bank has approved all loans for me now.
* Nothing from the W about finishing up here in the next week - not that it was expected.
* No return texts from the ex best friend when I thanked him for his support with my son's car. Nor a return text from the SIL when I advised I will not be paying board anymore for my son. Again I didn't have any expectations for either of them.

You are doing a lot of thinking, I hope you get GALing done in an equal amount, lol. Mind you, I can GAL and think at the same time, but then again us women are supposed to multi task
There was one thing I noticed in your post, did you say that you're paying the tax on your W's car or did I misread that? If it's the car that your W uses then stop paying the tax. It's up to her now, whether you get back together or not. Just my HO
In case I don't speak to you again, hope the move goes well and smoothly Look forward to hearing all your plans when you move and start GALing hard

TTD180, the tax (or registration) was paid by me in Jan this year, and is due in about 6 weeks. The car is still registered in both our names, not just the W's. That is my issue - to stand for the marriage - but still accepting responsibility for things in our names. The other reason I am trying to make a decision on it, is that the W viewed me as always spending money on myself, for me, and when I wanted something. So my 180 is also mot to simply spend on me, but to use my money for others, or simply to think of others first.
If the paperwork arrived from the solicitor I wouldn't have this issue, but until it does arrive it is then an issue for me to make a decision on. Similar to when I move back home, I have to change the address for all the vehicles, so do I change the car the W is using to my new address as well? Since the car is in my name also.
One of the things I have really focused on in the last few weeks is to stand for my marriage. I have been doing this all year, but now more than ever, to think like a husband. I am still married, yes my W is no longer with me, but as a husband I won't go and find another woman to keep me company, I won't involve myself with another woman with possibilities leading to infidelity on my behalf. I will continue to wear my wedding ring, to continue to stand by my beliefs and vows I made 24 years ago, whether the wife does or not.
At this stage of my life and sitch, I am still married and I will act like it, to my wife, family and friends. I will continue to fight for my marriage, even if it does mean going dark. I will do everything possible for my marriage, to be there for my W (if she chooses) when she comes out of the fog.
It doesn't mean that I will sit at home, doing nothing. I plan on doing everything that it offered to me, and things that I go looking for. Just won't be going to look for someone to take over my W's place in the marraige.
In saying all that, I also have to have the commonsense to accept that I may not always feel that way down the track. It is where I stand now. Bit by bit I feel more comfortable each day about acting this way, not there yet, getting there.
I have related it to having a child on drugs. We hate they are on drugs, we want to do everything possible for them to get off the drugs, but we know we cannot do anything to change their minds. So we do the next best thing: don't help them. Let them work it out themselves. We still love them the same, just don't like what they are doing to themselves and others.
Unconditional love.