Quote: I need to pray that God will make him happy..help him find his life with me or without..
My H has been unhappy for so long that this is really my wish for H, for him to find happiness and peace within himself.
I'm trying to keep my new found spiritual beliefs/praying to myself for now. I did share with my H last week that I have become more spiritual these last few months.
I'm still learning so much, trying to understand everything that I don't feel confident to really explain/talk about my new beliefs with a whole lot of people, probably for the same reasons you are.
Saturday was fun. The bar that hosted the casino night wasn’t too far from H’s parents. H parked the truck, was concerned he was too close to a snow bank, didn’t want me to have to step in when I got out of the truck. Went inside H wanted to hang our coats up, I was concerned about my leather coat and said he would hide it under his. Casino night was great, there were slot machines you could play which I am drawn to. I played there most of the night H played Blackjack. We met up later in the evening and filled out our raffle tickets and picked out the things we wanted to win and won NOTHING. Sat at the bar and had a quick drink. Headed back to H’s parents. We talked a bit in the kitchen and H was talking about his health and at one point I said “I care about you” and H said “why do you care, I don’t know if I’m going to be with you anyways!” which I just let go through me. It was the only “mean” thing H said to me all night, otherwise he was very thoughtful and nice. We slept in the same bed and .
Got up in the morning, got ready to go to the funeral. H’s family was all there. His brother and SIL who I haven’t seen since this all started and who have also spent time with H and OW were there, too. I just briefly chatted with them as I don’t know how I feel about them and their acceptance of OW in H’s life when they knew H was married to me.
For the first time, I really listened to the priest, and the words had a whole new meaning to me. It’s like I “get it” now. I get the meaning behind the words for the first time in my life. Is that strange? I’m reading the “The Power of Now” and am learning so much from that book. I am planning on reading the bible soon, also. I have the tapes in my car and SS20 saw one of them and said “The Power of Now” and I didn’t say anything. SS thought it was music so put it in the player and said “it’s somebody talking” like he’d never heard of such a thing and popped it back out. I said it’s an inspirational tape…lol.
H also commented on the sermon and thought the priest, who was no more than 25, did a very nice job. We had lunch afterward and headed home.
When we got home H went into his “cave” didn’t communicate unless spoke to for pretty much the rest of the evening. H was very loving around S before S went to bed. We all went to bed early. I said good night to H and he said good night back and went to his room.
All in all it was a very good weekend, the best weekend I’ve had with H in a long, long time.
H did make a comment last night that he was "moving out" I said "ohh when" H said tomorrow, was going to today but was tired. I just said okay. H didn't say it in a mean way, just said it...but it wasn't coming from the heart, maybe the air is coming out of my H's balloon. I don't know.
It was like H actually liked me all weekend, that H cared about me...as best he could.
Vinlad is great! I just can't put into words the new feelings, the new way of looking at things, the old feelings that are no longer valid. The most imporant part of all of this is that I can no longer hide in the darkness of who I THOUGHT I was, the person buried in jealousy, resentment, self-pity and anger. I can no longer use those as an excuse for not living my life or finding happiness, because I now know different.
Cathy, I have been doing a Bible study that I LOVE... it is no coincidence to me that I was pushed into doing it by some wonderful friends, and God of course. It is Bible Study Fellowship, very intense and indepth and really gets you into the Bible. It is worldwide, you might enjoy it.
I am "getting it" too,things that puzzled me or were never meaningful to me have a whole new meaning. I used to think people were nuts when they talked about the Bible being alive, but I see it now. It has made my life so rich, it is really hard to describe.
I, too am trying to read the Bible. I started in Genesis, but skip around a lot. I love the Psalms... there is something in there for everyone, and I love Paul's writings... he writes a lot about comfort and persevering!
A Bible that has been really helpful to me is the Life Application Study Bible in the New International Version. The study part has a lot of stuff to explain what is actually being said in the Bible. Really awesome stuff, and amazingly applicable to today.
Hang in there, you are doing so well.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
You can't just point the boat of your life in the right direction and leave it to the auto-pilot to keep you on course. If you let your attention lapse, you'll run into a series of awkward factors, from rocks to icebergs and other vessels, all of which require a constant presence on deck. Stay alert a little longer while you steer safely past these potential problems. You may be tired of having to hold the whole show together but if you can summon enough energy to remain behind the wheel for a few more days, you'll approach a point from which the coast is wonderfully clear.
Hmmmm....today I am feeling like this, like I'm doing all the work. I can't go on "auto-pilot" and really don't want to either as this is where the problems all began. I'm trying to monitor this and am feeling a twinge of resentment and need to get rid of it.
I had to take the garbage out this morning, I made H's lunch last night and H didn't take it with him this morning. I'm thinking I'm doing all these nice things and get no thank you's or acknowledgements for any of it.
H was in his quiet mode again last night. It's like he goes into himself. The last two nights he's been watching TV and I can tell he has no clue what else is going on around him.
There were many positives last night, also. H and S were outside, we were grilling out. H came to the patio window and said "S wants you to get your x-skis out and go skiing" and I thought what a great idea!! I was going to the treadmill, but to be outside and ski sounded even better. So H gets the skiis out of our back garage and brings them in the house for me...I mean how nice was that! I did comment make this same comment to H, too. So I did laps around the yard, S came out and played hockey in the driveway. It was beautiful out. We have trees along out lot line, we're next to open field and each time I went around a few tree branches would wap me on the head and what do I do I just keep going by the same trees and getting wapped. It was like I didn't want to get off my path. I would have to forge a new trail.
H did do the dishes while S and I were outside. When we came back in I thanked H for doing the dishes and for getting my skis out. I haven't x-country since before our S was born or longer which is at least 5 years.
Maybe your H should go xx-skiing and get wapped on the head a few times!
I am glad that you were able to get out on your skis. You never know how long it is going to last around here. I hope to get a few more weeks out of our rink, so cross your fingers for me!
Just keep DBing and your H will have to just figure it out on his own. You are doing a great job keeping your PMA up and taking care of your S.
Have a great day and get roll with the punches eh?
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Hi Cathy, I know how you feel on the resentment stuff! I would get the same way. Then one day, I broke it down, that I was getting resentful because I expected to get a certain reaction from spouse while doing these things and there lied my disappointment. I noticed I started keeping a scorecard mentality for what I was doing. Then I looked at what I was doing and how it made me feel inside for doing these things. If I felt good doing it, then I continued despite CAW's lack of interest.
So if making your H's lunch is something that makes feel good as a person doing a good deed for another. Keep doing it and recognize it as such and give yourself a pat on the back. Took out the trash ... focus on giving yourself kudos in your efforts in making the place a better home for your family. Hope you get the idea ...
Focus on lifting yourself up for doing these things versus letting resentment set in.
Cathy, That IS a Bible... the Life Application Study Bible, so yes, it is over 2000 pages long. I have it and love it. It is pretty cheap at Sam's, Costco or WalMart...
Hang in there!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
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H didn't say it in a mean way, just said it...but it wasn't coming from the heart, maybe the air is coming out of my H's balloon. I don't know.
I would get the same way. Then one day, I broke it down, that I was getting resentful because I expected to get a certain reaction from spouse while doing these things and there lied my disappointment. I noticed I started keeping a scorecard mentality for what I was doing. Then I looked at what I was doing and how it made me feel inside for doing these things. If I felt good doing it, then I continued despite CAW's lack of interest.