“So what changed ??” What changed in the marriage? Well the issues that cause the first separation were: - My relationship with her boys. I was so consumed with the custody battle and my kids I did not build a relationship with her boys. I worked on this in a big way. Focused on being a better step-father and made them a bigger part of my life. I was more active with them and stopped having so many rules. It was to the point that the youngest was always happy to see me giving hugs and enjoying having me around. They have a good father and mother so they really don’t need anything more than that. I think my girls and I were more tied emotionally to her than her and her boys were to me.
- The custody battle itself was and emotional and financial drain on our relationship. Instead of telling her everything that was going on and having it be a constant drain I tried to keep her out of the day to day crap. It was still present but I tried to shoulder more of the burden.
- My weight – I had lost about 50 pounds during first separation and felt a lot better about myself. This is one of the places I fell down. I gained most of the weight back and that was a big mistake. As I said above one of the most hurtful things she said to me was that she deserved to be with someone she is attracted to. I am back and gym and have lost most of that weight again and plan on really getting in best shape of my life. Too little too late.
- Stuff – I tended to hold onto too much stuff which caused clutter. I purged a bunch of stuff and was really working on not leaving the clutter but still had a way to go.
- Just being- I think she wanted me to just be. I was always doing something around the house. I tend to be always on the go. I should have spent more time focusing on getting her out and away just the two of us. I thought that if I took on more around the house cooking, cleaning etc. it would really give her time to enjoy but in hind sight I should have focused on spending more time just being with her, enjoying quiet time with her.
- Too Needy – I worked on this. Tried to encourage her to go out with her friends and tried not to be so needy but when she started slipping away again I started to try and hold on too tight again. Should have let go much sooner.
I see that you are still the King of "Buts"....
That was a pretty long one. You might come in second place with that...^^^^
Actually....
I think that you have chosen to own a lot of stuff there. Much different than the last time you were here.
When did you really realize that you had fallen into old behavioral patterns ???
Originally Posted By: "Butman"
“You said that you pushed for the Divorce....???”
When I knew that she was serious about moving forward with the divorce I let her know that it was not what I wanted but if she was going to do it we should get it done. My ex-wife’s attorney found a loop hole in bankruptcy code. In my first divorce the judge ordered me to pay 30k in her attorney’s fees and he also ordered her to pay 23k in debt that was in my name. I started paying attorney but ex defaulted on 23k in debt assigned to her. I was left with little option but to file for bankruptcy. She also filed for bankruptcy and discharged the attorney’s fees and the credit card debt that was assigned to her. Now 6 years later her attoney is garnishing my wages to collect those attorney fees as they are not dischargeable in chapter 7. Add 6 years of interest and it is now 50k. I went to court to argue it but it is a mess and I am stuck. So my current attorney is recommending that I file chapter 13 and given I may not have a choice I did not want to get my current wife tangled up in this mess. Was trying to look out for her but if she was willing to stay we could have figured it out but she was not interested.
Understandable....
Originally Posted By: "Butman"
“And now you are dating, when you admit that it is wrong, and it is unfair to the girl that you are seeing....”
- Yes I have started dating. I am seeing a lady. I do feel a bit okward at times knowing I still care for my now ex-wife but at the same time I am trying to take things day by day. Not making any promises and just trying to enjoy... Part of moving forward with life…
Maybe...okward, or however you mis-spelled that...is trying to tell you something ???
Originally Posted By: "Butman"
“How exactly, are your actions matching any of your words here..????” - Not sure my words match my actions at all. Yes I am still in love with my ex-wife. I have to try and accept that my ex-wife has moved on and right now there is nothing I can do but to try and enjoy life as it comes. I tend to over think everything so in a way it is actually a good thing that I am taking things day by day and not thinking too much about the future. The lady I am dating knows the situation and has even made that statement that she is the rebound girl. I don’t think of her that way. I enjoy spending time with her and so why not. I am divorced and my ex has made it clear that she is done. I have been on match a couple times in the last month and each time I am on there the ex is on-line. So her claim that she is not really interested in dating is not true. She has not contacted me since she needed help with her washer a week and a half ago. Do I continue to try and contact her once in a while to maintain a dialog or do I leave the ball in her court?
Which court ???
Love of your life ???
Or the...muse ???
Originally Posted By: "Butman"
“I'm not certain, that you can ride two horses with only one ass...” - I agree. Not really riding two horses at this time. I have someone from my past that I care about and wants nothing to do with me. I am seeing a lady that I enjoy spending time with and she with me. Is there a future with either one? I don’t know. The horse I need to focus on right now is me. I need to get myself to a better place physically, mentally and financially before I can even think about getting back in the saddle with anyone. I am not sure if I am taking right steps. Just don’t know. Do I stop seeing this woman and continue to hold out hope for someone who makes no effort and is herself dating others. Will her finding out that I am dating someone bring her closer or push her further away? I don’t know and if you have the answers to any of this I would love to hear them. When I think about my ex coming back at times I wonder why I would even consider taking her back when she has walked out on my kids and I twice and caused so much pain in the process. What kind of idiot would I be to put myself thru that again? Yes at this point I know I am an idiot because there is not a doubt in my mind that I want her back but every day that passes, the pain lessens and the good memories begin to be over shadowed by her actions. I tend to only remember the good times with her and the feeling of the love we shared. I take the blame for our marriage failing but I know she has her own faults and is ultimately responsible for walking away. I tried to get her to go to counseling with me but she refused. At some point it will be too late but I am not there yet…
And what would you tell your buddy at the bar if he told you this ^^^ about what he was doing ???
Yes I am still king of the But! I see you still talk in riddles;-) I know you are trying to get me to think and figure things out. What can I say, I am stuck. I can't pursue my ex-wife and she has nothing to do with me or my kids unless we initiate contact. She is actively dating. Where does that leave me? Do I stop dating and continue to hold out hope for my ex to figure her life out or do I just let go and start to live again and just enjoy things as them come? If I thought my ex still cared and had thoughts of a future with me then hell yes I would wait for her. As things no matter how much I want that it just does not feel possible. Yes I am concerned that if she changes her mind and thinks of coming back that once she figures out I am seeing someone it will cause her to turn away. At the same time one of the things that brought her back last time was because she was worried that she was going to lose me.
So while I appreciate all you have said and how you are getting me to think about the situation I would greatly appreciate some outright honest feedback and direction on what you think I should do. Should I stop dating and just focus on me? Should I initiate contact with ex from time to time? If so how much time should I let go between making contact? Again, think you for your thoughts and feedback and I apologize for the buts;-)
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
I get that taking time to figure me out. The first time around i did not date and it was at the point where i started to get out that she came back, worried that i might move on. The difference between then and now is that before she still kept in contact, i would see her once in a while but now unless she needs something (which has only been twice in 4 months) it is dead. I was sending her a text or card once in a while. She would politely respond to text but other than the two times she has not initiated contact. It has been two weeks of silence.
I dont know if i continue to initiate contact once in a while or just completely let go. As far as the dating thing it has helped me feel better about myself. Guess i have some thinking to do about that...
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
OK Labug and Mach1, I thought about it and took your comments to heart. I broke things off with other woman and have decided that I need to wait and let things play out with my ex-wife and also to get my life back on track.
As far as my now ex wife goes. I sent her a text on Thanksgiving and she responded. Then Friday night I text and asked if I could stop by for a few min. She said sure. I dropped off our Christmas tree so she and the boys could have it to put together this weekend. She invited me in and offered a glass of wine. We sat and chatted for about 15 min. Nothing earth shattering but it was a nice fun talk. I told her I was going out with a friend and thanked her for the wine and left. It was nice to see that she still have photos of my girls and I hanging by her front door.
I intend to focus on getting my life in order and figure out how to be happy with myself.
Thanks
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
OK Labug and Mach1, I thought about it and took your comments to heart. I broke things off with other woman and have decided that I need to wait and let things play out with my ex-wife and also to get my life back on track.
Hey Tin...
I think that is a really good idea. Most importantly...to get yourself back on track first...
You seem to have this history of jumping into a relationship before you are ready...
Turn this over to a higher power for now...
When it is time, you will know it...
Actually, it will come looking for you
So, what are your plans for the holiday season ???
