Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers One giant leap forward! - Part 9

Hey F

I do feel fine right now. It's drama that I can let go and keep moving forward.
It's surprising how strong these situations can make us.

Fully agree.
I never replied to W this morning about the glue. She has sent me numerous pics of the kids this afternoon.
I gave her a thanks as I do appreciate getting the pics and I don't wnat to be negative when I'm getting pics of my kids.

One advantage of ger living 90 mins away is I sort of feel like I leave the drama there. It isn't here with me.
Feel fine now.
I will be great tomorrow!

When you told her this a few weeks ago, what method did you use? Face-to-face, phone, email, text...?

-PM

We were in her kitchen face to face. She was telling me about wanting to work on us.
She said she was the happiest she had been in a while. She paused and I thought she had finished.
I said "I'm the happiest I have been in a long time too."
She responded with "I was going to say, I'm the happiest I've been but I miss you. The boys need you too"

I believe she took offence to me saying that (being happy without her) and it spurred her on back to OM.

I was the happiest I had been because I took myself out of limbo.

Why do you ask?

You are one strong guy! You handled all that drama really well.

Your growth in this journey is truly inspiring!

When she said you never fought for her, I always wonder if they want to be pursued? But in DB terms its considered pressure? Where do you draw that fine line?

Thanks Martimer

They do want to be pursued, I have no doubt about that. All it does is confirm to them that you are still on the hook and boost their ego somewhat.
Short term gain only.
My W needs to realize what she has put me through and that the grass is only as green as you care for it.

I'm quite confident I could possibly persue and snatch her away from OM2. All she would learn from that is what she has done works.

It's a bit like rewarding a kids bad behaviour.

Because she was unclear as to why you were happy. I wondered if it was another text message exchange, which I would then have scolded you for.

I think your analysis is pretty good. She seems entitled and reactionary. You've made great progress on making yourself whole and she's still trying to figure out what to fill that hole in her life with. Huge difference between you two.

And you may be right. Some people need that divorce to actually go through before the old relationship can die in their minds and make way for a new one to grow.

-PM

I believe this makes the second time (maybe more) that she's brought up that remark about you being the happiest the past months. She's doing it b/c it really stuck in her craw! She wasn't the one who had to go through hoops.....YOU were! It is eating her alive b/c you are happy and she's not in control.

She has used the children to get at every emotion you have. Even when she hinted that she wanted her family back....what did she do? Certainly not any actual work on the R, but she used the kids as leverage to work on your feelings toward getting her family again. When she wants something from you or tries to soften you up for more torture later....she sends more pictures. She is one more piece of work! She couldn't even hold out for three weeks to try to look like she was serious about wanting her family back? I guess it took one more time for you to see her operate.



Absolutely! And, that's exactly what she acts like.....an overgrown kid with very bad behavior. Besides, she knew exactly what she was doing by having OM2 there. If you had not reacted in anger, she would have been sooooo disappointed. But, you had good reason and considering all she's put you through, I think you kept it together much better than I ever could.

I am glad you have grown enough that you don't need to prove anything to her or yourself by taking her away from OM2. If anyone understands a temporary ego fix....it's me. It's not worth it (as I think you said in your post). You are a confident man and there's no need to play those silly games. Sure she wants men fighting over her b/c her mind operates like she's in junior high. It's all she knows. As she gets older, it's going to be quite unflattering to see her still acting the same.

T,

My heart hurts for you that W chose to put you through this again. I know you hadn't made a final decision on trying again but you were considering it and that is enough to make this painful all over again.



She is just blaming you so she has an excuse to be with OM. I did the same thing, I justified texting and seeing OM by "H did this" "H did that" "I can never win with him" etc... It was always H's fault that I did what I did. It's so much easier to blame someone else so you can do what you want and feel justified.

As far as her mentioning, once again, that you said 'you were the happiest you've been in a long time', I don't think it is because it bugged her as much as because she can use it to make this your fault that she just had to go back to OM and couldn't wait for you to make a decision. That's only my opinion based on what I read here.


AKA: I can stay who I am and not have to change a thing



Again because it is easier to stay the same and she knows you have grown. If she wanted to put your M back together, she would be willing to jump through hoops to show you how sorry she was for all she has done and that she was willing to do whatever she had to do to put it back together. She isn't, at least not now. She wants the "easy" way out.



I understand. I do hope you get to forgiving her before too long. She doesn't need to know you forgive her, forgive her in your heart (when you can) because that is for you, your health and your mental health.

So sorry, T. Although Bug nailed it:




and one last thing....



Seriously?? What is she smoking?! I know this may seem inconsequential but it really made me shake my head in disbelief at her nerve. The day after she pulls this cr*p she texts and asks for glue? I admire you for not replying, I probably would have told her to ask OM for some or go buy it herself.

You really have grown a lot since I came here T, you should be very proud of yourself and your little ones are lucky to have you.

Thanks for the input Sandi and LTH.

Everything you said about what she was doing does feel accurate to me.

One of her justifications on Sunday was I would never move there. That is her deciding that for me, I never said I wouldn't.

I struggle with the forgiveness. Right now I can't see that path and how it works. What she has done and continued to do is the worst thing that has happened myself and my kids so far. Maybe it just takes time.