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Well another tragedy has hit my family.

My sister in laws ex was found dead in his house last Sunday. He was in his early 40s.

She dated him for about 3 years, they lived together, were engaged at one point. Then broke up just this summer.

We all really liked him, and in fact, he had just texted Boo, sort of an olive branch, inviting him to go fishing. Then this.

Since I am not on speaking terms with my SIL, I have not contacted her. I feel awful, and can't imagine what she is going through. She initiated the break up, so I am sure she feels very guilty. They think he was drinking heavily. He was an alcoholic.

I am ready for an upswing. Some happy times, good things. I do not understand why this happened. Maybe this will force SIL to go on her journey. She is 28. She has jumped into a relationship with Boo's best friend (Boo and I and most of the family feel like she "stole" him from us) and now they are moving in together

But, this is not my battle, not my journey. This is an awful tragedy.

Just before this, I sent my email to Boo.

I had been writing it for about a month. I have read it about a million times.

Before my DB coaching session, I sent it.

I will post it. I want others to read it. I think it was really good, mature, polite and ME. I feel good about it. Maybe it isn't DBing, but I had to get my feelings out.

Take a read...

Subject:DONT READ THIS IF YOU ARE BUSY WITH WORK

SAVE IT FOR WHEN YOU HAVE TIME. JUST GETTING MY FEELINGS OUT.


I DON'T NEED A RESPONSE

Dear Boo,

Well 2013 sure has been a dousey huh?! I feel like I have so much to say to you, but I am so scared to at the same time.


Let me first thank you. Despite the situation we are in, we have both been able to approach each other with respect and kindness. I'm glad that we are able to put our hurts aside and be the caring people I know we are.


That being said, this past 6 months has really opened my eyes. I want you to know a few things:


Those times when I stated (hysterically) that you were my everything, my world, I am nothing without you, I have nothing to live for with out you...those statements are FALSE. I was WRONG. I actually feel really stupid and embarrassed by the things I said. I believe my life holds many good things for me. I used to think you were one of them, but I cannot change you and I don't want to. I also cannot change how you feel. Your feelings about things (life, kids, us, money, having fun, spending time, sex, etc) are real and valid and I'm sorry if I made you feel otherwise.


I can't depend on you to be my "everything" and I don't want you to be. I know that I need relationships with people outside of our marriage and hobbies that only I enjoy. You also need this and I need a better handle on myself to not feel insecure when you do pursue other friendships and hobbies that don't include me.


I do not want to control you. Since I did all the grocery/personal shopping, I really take for granted picking out my own "stuff" since I always do it. Being able to go to Walmart and buy what you want for yourself must feel really good and I never wanted to take that away or control that. You can take care of yourself and you will not wither away if I don't cook you meals or do your laundry. Deep down I knew that and I am actually really proud of the people we are. We are TRUE grown ups Boo! We can take care of ourselves. We do not NEED each other to take care of the other.


One of the big things I would like us to work on (if working on and staying in the marriage is what we want) is being able to discuss the problems we have with each other. As you may know, I DO NOT have a problem with telling you what I think you do wrong, lol. I am sure this summer showed you that. I did a lot of b*tching at you, and basically told you how you did nothing right and everything wrong. There is so much more good that you do, and I let the bad times we are going through overshadow that. I am sorry and that is something that haunts me everyday, that I made the most important person in my life probably feel worthless (I assume). In the past you have tried to tell me things that you would like me to work on or change, and I have taken every criticism you had of me as you being "mean" to me or trying to hurt my feelings. I turned into my mom. I thought I was perfect, my way was the right way and how dare you question me or want me to change. That is the old Monica, and I work on myself everyday to change things about myself that I don't like. I really wish you WOULD tell me things I could change to make things better between us! Tell me what I do wrong or tell me what you would like me to do or when I hurt your feelings. Open up to me. I have been criticizing myself a lot and it feels good to make changes for me. I would like to make changes and grow for us also.



That being said, the only thing that you have told me is you want to be alone. That is what I have been trying to give to you. I know that financial circumstances force us to be under the same roof. I am sorry for my crying over you going to your friend's house. After the last time you went I feel like it finally clicked in my head, and I do not take it personal. I do not understand what you are going through. I am trying to understand. And if being alone is what you need you can definitely have it. But understand this, you cannot have your cake and eat it too. You cannot expect me to be your wife, when you are not my husband. I can only assume that you are moving on with your life and it doesn't include me, so that is my plan also. If this is not the case, please tell me!


We have until May 2014 for our major credit cards to be paid off. After May 2014, the only thing we will have is the TV ($50 till 2015) and G8. We will be in a better financial position to figure out living arrangements then, depending on where we both are with this.


I am starting to live my life for me. I am not putting any expectations on you for anything or for the future. I depend on you for nothing but the home and financial right now. I am trying to live my life, as it would be without you. I've made a budget for myself that includes mortgage of a small home, and bills that will only include me, not joint bills. Mom has already told me that she would help me financially if needed and I do plan to go back to waitressing to start putting money away to save for a house for me and Paw. Although it makes me sad to do that, I am a realist and I will not live in this fantasy world that you will snap back to reality and be my husband again. I am making decisions for my life as if that is not going to happen, as if I will be divorced by this time next year, and me and Paw and the Bunnys will be living alone. And I am OK with that. Please know this is not what I WANT. But if you don't want to be married to me anymore, then I HAVE to do this. I will not beg you to stay with me, I have more pride than that, and I do not need to beg ANYONE to be in my life. We don't talk much, so I don't know, but you seem to be living your life for you and your business and your well being. And I do not judge you for that. I cannot make you happy. I can certainly do things that bring happiness into your life. But you cannot expect much from me either. I finally understand what Tony G was saying. Look out for number 1 because no one else is going to. So that is what I am doing.



There are certain things I expect from a relationship.



I cannot live my life without affection. I need more than hugs. Although your hugs are wonderful, I need more. I need kissing, holding hands, and sex. As much as I wish I didn't, I still want them with you. I enjoyed all those things. Holding hands on the way into stores, kissing good night, games of grab ass in the kitchen, dancing in the kitchen, your mouth on certain parts of me I miss with you so much. I don't think you are a bad person because you can't give that to me. It is what it is. But I will not live in a sexless marriage.



I also want a family. Don't get me wrong, my two year baby plan is a hopeless dream, and I am OK with that. I am SO HAPPY we do not have children. The dog is stressed enough by this. I can't imagine having to take care of another life that we created, by myself. But I do believe I was meant to have children. I enjoy children and I have a strong maternal instinct. Do I want to just do it with no plan, no savings, no money? NO WAY. You know me, I need a plan. I believe I have 5-7 more years of fertility left. And if not that's OK. I will not be taking birth control pills anymore. I have pumped by body with hormones for 13 years. I would like to give myself a rest, and plan to get my "stuff" back to a more natural state, prepared for babies.



I also need quality time. Time when me and my significant other are together and there is no cell phones, no work phone calls, just me and him. It doesn't have to be for hours on end or even a planned night. 20min- hour during the week to talk about our days with no cell phones or TV and a day on the weekend for us to have fun and sex, some time that my significant other gives me their undivided attention. I understand that money and finances and the business have put a hold on quality time for us. But I need my man to be able to tell his friends that he has plans with me tonight and no they can't come to the house. This shows me that I am a priority and my feelings matter. My life with my significant other is sacred to me and I need time to be with my man by ourselves.



These three things, I will not give up for anyone. I will make compromises and work towards a common ground, but I will not give up my dreams for someone. I will give them up because I want to give them up. Having children I am still on shaky grounds with, what I am going through right now with my mom and you, I would not wish upon anyone. I do not know if I want to bring life into a world that I can't see much good in right now.



But I will not live without sex. I am a gorgeous women, I am healthy, and I have a lot of affection to give. I will not seek out men just for sex, and I will be OK by myself and handling the sexual drought that I am going through and will probably go through for a long time until I find someone worthy of my body again. But I know that I am a sexual being. I like it, I like experimenting with new things, and I thought that we were on the same wavelength with that.



And I will not be put on the back burner all the time. Sometime I can understand. But if my significant other is so unwilling to make time to spend with me, then they must not like being around me very much.



I'm not expecting you to write me a long email back, or come running to me to talk about us. I just had to get this off my chest. I've been holding it in for a long time. In fact I don't want a reply or to talk unless YOU want to. I know you are working on you, I am just telling you where I am. I don't know if it hurts or helps. If it hurts that was not my intention. I also know you are working. You are always working. Take this email and do what you want with it. I just couldn't hold this in any longer

I'm very sorry to hear about the death of your SIL's ex. It's He was quite young and it is never easy to hear about such things, but more so around the holidays.

Hopefully she will come to realize that life is precious and it does not stand still for anyone. Maybe she'll learn to appreciate what she has and begin to look within for her happiness.

Take care.

I am prepared for the 2x4s!!!

I know, email was not DB, no mystery. I laid my cards out.

And you know what? It feels GREAT! I feel like I don't have to fake anything with him anymore!

He now knows it all.

I like the email format, he can read and re-read and re-read over and over. Maybe he just deleted it. But I have said all I can say. There it is in black and white.

I feel I have officially placed the ball in his court.

It made me also feel like our house, is MY house. I always call it his house, since legally I am not on the deed.

I have be pretending he is my landlord, and I am the renter, and this is my residence, so how would I treat it? I would be taking care of business!!

I am so proud of me! I work in the yard every weekend. I changed my living room furniture around and cleaned under the couch. I am going to work on the kitchen over Thanksgiving weekend. I bleached and scrubbed my moldy black sidewalk. I touched up paint on the walls. It feels so good! I am so proud of myself.

I can do this!

So DB coaching session- my first of 3- 11/23/13

It was so nice to talk to someone who isn't telling me to get out and never look back, that I deserve better, or any of that poo poo talk.

Denise was great, and pointed out all my 180's and changes that I have been doing, some I didn't even realize!

Not really feeling good about the relationship itself, but my relationship with me is going really awesome. I'm really starting to like me.

I still have a lot of demons, but I can tell them to shut the eff up!

Goals are still up in the air. I need to re-read DR (my fave of the two books) and get a handle on my goals.

I also read a little bit about goals on BB, using the "what will I be doing/saying/seeing when _____" format.

Its hard though to verbalize or put in writing. I thought I had goals. Nope...just that I want to save my marriage...which is good. but too broad.

Next post will be defined goals.

I am so honored to have you, Job, a true vet, comment on my little thread.

I have read many of your posts and printed many out. You are very wise.

Thank you for stopping by. I would love some insight from you.

I am truly honored. Thank you so much.

Cadet, I have read this over and over and over again, trying to beat it into my head. <sigh>

Hello all again, just journaling. I did some physical and emotional house keeping at my office today. Cleaned my whole desk, office bathroom and meeting area, rearranged stuff.

It feels great!

I woke up with a stye in my eye. Not so great, but that's ok.

I feel like all these changes in myself are making me want to change other things, like around my house. this weekend I will be tackling my kitchen, cleaning on top of cabinets and fridge. Re-arranging my bakers rack, then it will be Xmas decorating time!

I love Xmas. Always have. My maternal grandmother, who I never got to meet, loved xmas. My dad always told me about her, and would often tear up. He was such an emotional guy, tough as nails, but truly new what was important in life, me and mom and family. He was a very good son, and I always strived to make my parents proud, just like he did. So, Poppy (dad's dad) was my best friend as a child, and I am sure Nonnie would have loved me just as much, and I her. So although I never met her, I feel like I have a close bond with her.

I will be putting out Nonnie's nativity set from the 1940s and other xmas trinkets I have inherited. I will not let my M situation ruin my love of xmas.

So here is a dilemma, two of my best friends feel I should check the phone records, to see if he is cheating on me. Or atleast, who, if anyone, he is talking to.

I get a major case of anxiety just thinking about it. I feel as though I would die of a broken heart if I saw some random number over and over and calls and texts. Since I get none.

I am basically scared to. It would change everything. I would almost rather live in my oblivion.

I thought about, if he did come back and want to work on things, that maybe I would check the records then. I have asked him if he is seeing someone. He has stated no.

I do have a trust issue. He knows this, and hates it. He feels I never have trusted him, so I want to 180 the HECK out of this.

Last month I told him I do not check the records, and that is when he said he was not seeing anyone. I believe him.

Any advice?

Since he is never here, there is never any random "evidence" to find.

I guess when he is home for the holiday he very well could tell me its over, I've found someone new, move on.

And that is what I would do. I would just tell him OK. I don't think he could get over me that easily. Or I guess because the DR books and this BB say the OP is usually a passing fancy.

But of course nothing is confirmed.

Any advice on this?

I would also love some advice on Thanksgiving.

His whole family is very sad that I will not be attending, but they understand.

I have not talked to Boo since he asked me to go last Monday and I said I wasn't sure.

I am not sure if he is even going to ask me again.

If he doesn't bring it up, do I just let it be?

Do I bring it up? I really have nothing to bring up. I have my plans. So unless he asked, I wasn't going to offer up the info.

It seems so much like I am punishing him. You don't want to be with me, then go to your family function ALONE!

But...since he wants to be alone....aren't I doing this (not going to T-day) for him in a sense?

You want to be alone and not have to worry about me, so that is what I am giving you.

If he does bring it up, I was not going to say that AT ALL THOUGH!!

My plan is to say that being around your family, and not knowing if they will be my family anymore will be too hard for me. I do not want to put myself through the pain. I can't put aside that our marriage may or may not be ending (since he has yet to tell me what he wants except to be alone) and just put on a smile. This is my holiday and my day off and I do not want to spend it being around people who I want to consider family, but may not be able to soon.

How does that sound? Not very concise or succinct.

PLEASE HELP!!