Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Quarter Life Crisis?

Hello All Happy Monday. I am on my lunch break and thought I would share a post.

Had a great weekend! And I have a busy week coming up.

Friday I spent by myself. Pulled up and Boo and his friend (who he stays with when he needs his alone time) were hanging out at garage. I’ve know this friend since I've been with Boo, so I was happy to see him. He had a look of contention in his eyes, didn't get up to hug me, whatever...The Great As If Actress let it roll off her back!! Boo actually got some really good work news, so I congratulated him. He asked what I was doing Sat for dinner, said I wasn't sure and I'd get back to him.

Saturday I got up and did 2 hours worth of yard work. My succulent garden looks awesome and I have many plants ready to bloom for the holidays. Succulents are winter bloomers. Very excited. I went for a swim at my mom's BFF's house, my surrogate mother KK. Had a good talk. I got BERRATED by boo with nonsense texts. At noon I sent him a text that I would be home by 7PM and would be cooking, come by and hang if you want. Then at 2PM, he must have gotten to the house, and I wasn't there. I literally had 7 texts of pure confusion. Here is how it went:

Boo: Hey Rakey-Do
Boo: Me and Paw are outside, I am cleaning scrap trailer for this week, Paw is sleepy.
Boo: That chicken looks good.
Boo: Where are you today
Boo: I'm having a sad day, gonna pass on chicken tonight.
Boo: Maybe I will come by for chicken. Nom nom nom
(one missed phone call)
Boo: Or maybe not, WTF, u never answer.

I was in the POOOOOOOL!!!! What the heck??? Losing control much? I called him, he didn't answer, left him a nice VM stating I was in KK's pool, would be home by 7pm, gonna cook regardless, come on by if you want.

At 5 when I got home I texted him the same thing. He decided he would be by, but couldn't make it til 8, I reassured him if he didn't want to come I'd be OK. He did end up coming, we had an OK night.

He ended up staying Saturday. Sunday he left for his moms and I left for church and didn't hear from him again til he showed up this morning.

I am doing really well with moving on and I can see it is scaring him. I posted about his Mom's birthday, and how he asked what WE were doing. Saturday he told me he had called his step dad and told him that WE would be by Monday to do dinner at their house. He never even asked me. I told him I was going to an Orchid Society meeting Monday and couldn't go. He asked when I would see his mom, I said I didn't know. He wasn't mad, he seemed excited for me. He thought I was talking about a bromeliad society meeting, which we went to once together, which is in the city an hour north of us, and he questioned me, "All the way up there?" I said, no that's the bromeliad society, this is orchid. But I felt like saying, What’s it to you buddy??? What do you care about me all of a sudden for?? But I didn't.

He also freaked out on me Thursday. I walked a nature trail with MIL and Paw, and when I was done, I drove Paw and I home. I saw I had a missed call from him, but I've been trying to stay off my phone while driving and I was sweaty and just wanted to drive with the windows down and not talk. He called me again and left a somewhat hostile message, he sounded annoyed. "Just trying to get a hold of you, I'm on my way." MIL later told me he had called her looking for me. It’s like dude, you leave for days with no call no text. What do you want from me? I'm moving on. I am not sure how to express this to him, or if I even should. I usually don't bring up his rude texts or VM.

I am seriously thinking about getting a second job, to supplement my income. I have explained our financial situation, and this weekend it really hit me. Here I am sitting on my rump, bored as heck. Yea, I do some chores and I see some people and I occupy myself, but wouldn't it be great to go back to waitressing a couple of nights a week? The extra cash would be awesome. I contacted my old manager at a place I worked at before. I plan to go in Friday to talk with her, see if she needs help, since it is season here in FL and all the snowbirds are back.

Just a little back story...and this is where my new anxiety sets in...We both worked at this place, I was a waitress/hostess, he as a busser, in addition to our day jobs. His EA he had in 2008 was with a waitress there. She is no long there. The other half of the story is I had a huge crush on the owner's son, who was a waiter. We had made out a few times (we were both single), mainly just hung out, nothing major, we never dated, but back in the day I had a major case of unrequited love. Now, (I hope) it’s different for me. I hope I am more mature. I think I will always have a special place in my heart for the kid, but all in all, I am still glad I ended up with Boo. The kid (he is 29, like me) is a waiter and lives with his dad, the owner of the restaurant. He’s gambler. He tried to live this fancy lifestyle, at one point drove a gorgeous BMW, which his dad now drives. He has a Honda now. He really has nothing to offer me or going for him, as far as starting a life together, so I am glad the love was not shared between us. There is also a bartender, older gent, maybe mid forties, who loved me. He was very attracted to me. He would flirt with me, but it just would never have happened, age difference was too much, and just NO.

Boo has a lot of insecurities about them. I almost feel though, at this point, I have to live my life for me. As far as Boo has expressed, I will be nothing more than a friend to him, and he doesn't want this life we shared. He has not expressed anything different than his "renting a room" scenario. So I need to plan for my future and start saving for a down payment on a house. The people at this restaurant loved me, and I loved them. They were my family and I haven't seen them since I married Boo. They never wished anything but happiness for me in my life. In fact I found my manager on Facebook and she was ecstatic that I was going to come in and see her. There is no ill will and even though I have been MIA, it feels like they would welcome me with open arms. And I need that right now.

I do not plan on telling them about me and Boo and our current unhappy situation. I plan on wearing my diamonds and basically Acting As If everything is OK.

I am worried about telling Boo though. I know he will be made, but I just don't care at this point. He can say what he will, but he has made his decision to not be around me or in my life and I need to make decisions for me. I know the restaurant, the people, the food, and they know I have a day job and can work with my schedule. It would just be easier then to find a new job. This will be by far the hardest Acting As If performance I will have to do. I can just hear him, "What if I wanted to be around two women that want to have sex with me???!! How would you feel?"

I will have to explain that I have changed, and although I had my insecurities in the past, I don’t want to feel that way about you and I love and trust you. I want to be with you, but you are the one who is confused. I am just trying to occupy my time, be around people and make some money. I will clearly tell everyone that I am completely in love with you, which won't be a lie and you are my family and my world. It might also be a good idea, if they hire me back, to come in and show your face, to show we do actually have a relationship, but that is up to you and I won't expect that from you.

So that is my plan. Would love some feed back before Friday.

Does anyone know how to delete posts? My last two are dplicates. Oh well.

Ok you answered my questions.

Good.

I always tell people not to put a timeline on this as their really isn't one. You could say you have one but it really takes as along as it's going to take.

And I don't mean for your H to come around.

I mean for you to walk this journey.

If

You want to.

Your H is very confused and is not going to get better until he decides to get help. He will keep thinking he has a the best plan for himself like get rid of all his stressors... Or become a unicorn farmer.

It doesn't matter. It won't work until he gets help.

You? Don't get caught riding his crazy train.

You need to protect yourself emotionally, financially and any other way that you might be vulnerable to him while he figures this out.

If you decide to "stand" in your M you will definitely take the road least traveled and the hardest road...

But when you make your way down your own path you will come to your own destination

Not the one dictated by your H's mental health issues.

This is YOUR choice. Not your H. Not anyone else.

I'm sorry you have had this tragedy so early in your M and your life

But

You will find I think that it will change you for the better.

The worse is already here. It is what you decide to do with it that will make all the difference.

True-
And I don't mean for your H to come around.

I mean for you to walk this journey.

If

You want to.
Can you clarify what you mean by this? If I want to? I feel like I HAVE to...how can I not? I see that this is changing me. I like it. Just looking for clarity.


Your H is very confused and is not going to get better until he decides to get help. He will keep thinking he has a the best plan for himself like get rid of all his stressors... Or become a unicorn farmer.

It doesn't matter. It won't work until he gets help.

What do you mean by "help"? Like meds/therapy?

Thanks for your reply in advance.

It's a shame that you mentioned that your H won't consider any kind of therapy. I think he could really benefit from an individual counselor. It definitely sounds like the death of his friend triggered his MLC. A lot of what he says sounds like MLC speech to me.
It seems to me like he is constantly asking himself what he wants, and when he text barrages you when he can't get a hold of you its like he is scared to lose you.
All you can really do are the things you've already started doing. Getting a life, acting as if. Not just waiting for things to happen, but going out there and doing things.

I don't know if it would be a great idea to put yourself in the situation with the guy you used to have a crush on. It can be very easy for a left behind spouse to be tempted. It's totally up to you though, but I think if it were me I might look to pick up a 2nd job at another place.

Happy Tuesday All! I have girls night tonight with BFF and Baby girl. Super excited. I think we are doing breakfast for dinner. YUM
Had a good Monday. Boo was doing work at one of my properties, and he came by when he was done and visited me at my office. Convo was ok, light/casual. I mentioned my wanting to go back to waitressing. I started by saying that I was starting to worry about him losing his "bachelor pad" (didn't use those terms) and wanted to get a second job. See, his friend’s house he stays at is actually his friend's parent's winter home, and they will be returning for the season, and his friend will be going back to his girlfriends house in Venezuela. So Boo's escape home is quickly coming to an end. I do not want it to force him to make drastic decisions; I know I know, I can't stop him though. He told me not to worry, I didn't need to go back to work, he has work in Tampa he will be doing and he will be away for about a month with that. He told me I didn't have to go back to work because of him basically. I told him, it wasn't for him, it was for me, so I could start putting money in savings and get out of the house and that I was bored on the weekends. I told him I would be going to talk with my old manager on Friday, and she may not even have a job for me, it’s up in the air. But I made it clear it was not completely for him, it was for me, but the added benefit would be, I would be out of the house from 4PM til about 10:30-11PM and he could be there alone as an added bonus. He quickly said, "whatever you wanna do." Not really accepting or condoning it. It sounded like the cliché when a woman says "fine" it’s really not fine. Oh well. This is my life.
After I got home in the afternoon, he got home about an hour later, which is a big shock. He is never home that early, so it was a nice surprise. We talked a little. He took a phone call and I got ready to go to my Orchid Society meeting. Was there til about 9PM, I am an official member and they held elections for the organizations offices, and I volunteered to be the Secretary! I am very excited. I learned a lot! I went home with a new orchid and T-shirt. This has made me re-think my going back to waitressing. There are many weekend activities the EAOS (Englewood Area Orchid Society) needs volunteers for and I would like to be a part of them and help. I was the youngest one there, and I am able bodied and minded. I feel like I am looked at like a real asset by them, which is something I don't feel like in my personal life, so it’s a nice change. I will have to check my calendar, see how my meeting with my old manager goes on Friday and go from there.
Boo came home last night, he was at MIL's for her B-day. We talked, he was very proud of me about EAOS. I ate my dinner and then went to bed. He stayed home, which was nice.
This morning was really good too. We actually spent about 20 mins just talking. He has about 6-7 homes lined up for work (he frames new homes) for the new year so that is about 3-4 months worth of work. And he has 3 to do by the end of the year. He made a list of stuff to do, including getting rid of our boat, and cleaning out some areas of the home. We walked our yard, and discussed ideas for some garden revamping. It felt like old times.
I kissed him this morning. I ended our chat this morning, saying I had to get ready, gave him a hug where he sat at the table. He stood up and I didn't really move and we hugged again and I looked right up at him, and we kissed. It was nothing passionate, just a normal "goodbye" kiss Hs and Ws give each other. I haven't kissed him in 2 months. I was proud of myself. I didn’t tear up or get emotional about it. I am feeling better about myself. I am not feeling like something is wrong with me or I am weird (which I did think that b/c Boo didn't want to be intimate with me) I do think it may push him into withdrawing again, but that’s ok.
God I just miss him so much!! I am going to let my confidence shine through. I feel like good things are happening in his life with the business and it will help his self esteem.
I told him he looked really nice today. He was just wearing work clothes, but he looked good, I've always thought my Boo was attractive. He has a good body, he is tall, and he has nice teeth, beautiful blue eyes. He is a very clean man, he loves his showers. I've always loved everything about him, and I have been thinking more and more about the 5LL, which I purchased with the accompanying journal. Upon receiving it, I couldn't read it, I had too much anger and hate towards Boo, but now I feel like I want to.
The Acting As If was so easy this morning! In fact, it wasn't As If acting at all! I was just acting how I really felt! Happy, and loving towards him, and wanting to laugh with him and compliment him! I wasn't fishing for compliments, or looking for a favor. I think something clicked today, especially about the whole "empty love tank" thing. In my head, I would be like "why be nice/act loving/compliment him...he won't do the same for me." THAT’S NOT WHAT IT’S ABOUT!!!!! OH MY GOODNESS!!!! Wow, can't wait to crack that 5LL book and journal. I feel like I have all this love inside me that has been buried by anger hurt and confusion towards him and those feelings are definitely dispersing (maybe not completely gone) and my honest love can shine through!
Not Love because he loves me, or Love because he does this for me, or says this to me. Love because I LOVE HIM. Wow. I am speechless. LOL, well maybe not, but just WOW.

Thanks Lost for the reply. Yeah I have been really thinking hard about the 2nd job. I am going to go see my old manager, just to visit, and I don't think I am going to bring up anything about being hired again. If she brings it up, I will let her know I need to think about it and get back to her. They all know I am a great employee, and like I said, they never wished any ill-will on me. But you are right. I am vulnerable, I am weak right now. Even though I feel like I am my strongest I have ever been in my life, I know that I am still lonely, hurt, confused and missing companionship, and may fall to a moment of weakness.

And what's funny about my old crush is whenever I am attached, he wants me. I've dated two guys, one was boo and then another guy, and my crush always pursued me, "oh c'mon don't go home to your BF, come hang out with us." But when I was single,he didn't want anything to do with me. I guess because if I was with someone, he was safe to flirt and hang out with me, with no "responsibilities" of an actual relationship.

So Lost, you are very very correct. I need to think long and hard about working there again. I need to pray on it. It will be nice to see everyone on Friday though.

I am following Ambivalent, and her struggle with MLC. I found this on a post of hers and thought I'd yank it and drop it into mine. I here Boo in it. Boomerranger.....

Some Boomerangs cling to the spouse. These MLCers may have issues regarding a fear of abandonment as well as co-dependency. They will frequently seek reassurances from their spouse regarding the option to come home. Clinging Boomerangs cycle as is the norm for MLCers, but they also consider their spouse to be their spouse, whereas some MLCers no longer consider you with that label in anything other than a legal manner. A Clinging Boomerang may recognize the authority of their spouse over the alienator who they see in a lower position.

Clinging Boomerangs are constantly trying to reconnect through touch-n-goes. Though boundaries--especially rule-boundaries--do not work with early MLCers, Clinging Boomerang are an exception. A Clinging Boomerang needs boundaries--they are more effective than with others, though still not accepted well by the MLCer.

A Clinging Boomerang wants you; and is attached and dependent toward you. Firm boundaries are more effective in later MLCer. This gives you leverage to apply boundaries, but be careful that do not you use this leverage to pressure. It is NOT recommended in early MLC. It is the respect and personal space boundaries that will likely be most necessary.

Often with a Clinging Boomerang the purpose of No Contact is as a consequence for continuing contact/infidelity. Though they need reassurance that you love and care for them and have no desire to end your marriage, they also need a strong and firm spouse who will not enable their inappropriate behaviors.

Though a Clinging Boomerang may have Monster moments and phases, they are likely to be relatively brief, as this MLCer does not want to alienate their spouse. Monster is often a result of a loss of control and reaction to anger, but their fear of abandonment will override their overt anger.
I have seen this through out my whole marriage. Boo's anger has always been ridiculous. We have replaced out bedroom door twice because he has kicked it in, in a fit of rage. But, you give him 30 min to and hr to cool down, and he comes back apologizing for the initial argument, and the destruction.

Clinging Boomerang Traits

•Seeks Reassurance May request that you be strong for them, believe in them, not turn your back... when this all started, his mantra was, just give me time, just stick with me, I just need time.

•Dependent and even co-dependent

•Multiple Returns--or desire to return on multiple occasions He has never fully left, only leaves for a night or two, then comes back.

•Pursuer Frequent contact which may include begging-pleading

•Frequent Touch-n-Goes

•Acknowledges the spouse as the spouse He still refers to me as his wife to people. He still even uses "we".

•Hopes to return someday--openly or secretlyUses we, us, when, the almighty IF !

•Possible issues fearing abandonment

•May continue to profess love for their spouse Yup, I've been told multiple times, he loves me.

•Scared of losing the spouse May verbalize this as losing the friendship or may be more direct and fear the spouse will find someone else. I've been told he always wants me in his life, he doesn't want to not talk to me, he wants to always be there for me.

The first two or three in the list are the most telling traits. A Boomerang who is independent is not a clinger. Though Clinging Boomerangs seem to offer a lot of clues and crumbs of hope to the Standing spouse, they also may be difficult to deal with due to their attachment and neediness and there is a high likelihood for cake-eating due to their fear of losing you. This is not a casual fear, but a paralysis that affects healthy functioning.

So yeah, Just a tid bit

Happy Thursday All. It is chilly here in SWFL- 60 degrees! Berrrrrr!!
I have had such a busy week, I am looking forward to just chilling out tonight, me and my Paw!
Visited with Mom last night. It was OK, but things just will never be the same. Its kind of how they describe the marriage in regards to MLC…that relationship is dead and you must start anew. I have to do that with Mom too. Our old relationship that was so dependent on each other will never be that way again. And that is OK.
I had a nice call from Boo during my visit. I had a rough day, bad headache, I am training a new girl at work, my Boss is dealing with her own stress and she is basically taking it out on everyone and blabbing to anyone who will listen. Her husband is sick and her dog had to get put down, she keeps saying it [censored] to be me. Well, it kinda [censored] to be me too, but I just shut up and take my lumps. Well at least I am now.
I was home alone last night. For about 10 minutes at my mom’s it felt like my old life. I was hanging with my mom, had a nice talk with Boo (and I expected him to be home….tsk tsk tsk no no) But then I came home to an empty house. I was sad. I cried with my Paw, and then we played a little and went to bed.
Boo came home this morning. I got snuggles, he was nice. He came and lay on the bed with me and we talked about things, me and mom, his problems with his sister and his best friend (who she now dates). He is so hurt over that. A whole bunch of drama occurred around his sister and his friend and he wants nothing to do with them, he is hurt. He spoke with his grandmother about it. I’m glad he has an outlet, somewhat. I told him that his family constantly wants him to express himself, tell us what makes you upset, don’t be passive aggressive. The one time he did (he was hurt that his sister didn’t even find the time to stop by our house for his birthday last year) and his mom and grandmother told him he was too sensitive. My mom has always been that way too…..If you were to tell her, “hey mom you said something and it hurt my feelings,” you would be met with, “well that’s not what I meant, and you are stupid or wrong for feeling that way.”
DOES NO ONE KNOW HOW TO VALIDATE PEOPLE’S FEELINGS???? It seems like it. And he completely agreed. I told him if he ever needed to talk, I am here to listen (trying to open the communication door). I also made a joke, I said “Hey, I hear you married a girl, and she was OK, but then she went crazy and became bitchy and wanted to have a baby for all the wrong reasons. She sounds like she really needed a slap. If you ever want to talk about her, with me, your new friend, you can.” We laughed. I hope he is home tonight. If not, that’s OK. I’m going to make dinner, read, catch up on my correspondence, I haven’t sent out cards to people in awhile. Maybe take Paw for a walk. I have been feeling busy. I haven’t even prayed all week. I have been talking to God, but not gotten on my knees and said my prayers since church Sunday. I need to do that.
I had sent his best friend (one who is dating sister) a text last week. I have known him since I’ve know Boo, so since 2007. He has always been a big part of our family. Boo is basically ignoring him, and doesn’t want to talk to him, but I didn’t want his friend to feel like he wasn’t welcome at the house. So I texted him that I know he was trying to get a hole of Boo, and FWIW, you are welcome at the house, but Boo isn’t really here all the time. But anything I can do to help, I will try.
He sent me a text back thanking me, but also said that he has so much to say to me about certain issues, and he could just not look me in the eye because he would burst into tears, and that I deserve better. I responded with, Don’t worry about me, I take my vows seriously, and I have put it all in to God’s hands. I am a different person now, I am not that crying depressed little girl you saw over the summer. I know God has good things coming my way. You should be worrying about Boo more. He said he admired my commitment.
I admire it too.
Thanks to all that Read my Journals. God bless.

TGIF!!

Feeling slightly under the weather. The cool dry weather here in FL has got my nose acting up. Headaches, sniffles...maybe its just allergies.

Yesterday was a strange evening. I got home and Boo was there. We had a talk about his best friend and sister. Boo had gotten a text (as I did) from his friend. His friend called him, and I quote, "an angry bitter child."

I am in complete shock. IMHO, his sister is influencing his feelings about Boo, and it makes me so sad. Art (the friend) would NEVER talk to Boo like that in the past. He is completely brainwashed by is sister. I am so sad for Boo. BUT, it has helped me to do some DBing, I have been able to put my new active listening into affect, and feeling validation also. So that is a plus for me.

It really seems like his whole support system (mom, best friend, sister) are against him. I know that I helped push them to be that way, constantly talking about OR. Although they love Boo, they are very disappointed in his decisions and actions regarding interactions with them and me.

I just got the book by Jim and Sally Conway, When A Mate Wants Out. It is great! Although I am no novice DBer (but still have plenty of hard road ahead, and plenty to learn and change) the book is pointing out some really important new things.

One is, STOP TELLING EVERYONE! I wish I could turn back time (oh Cher) but I can't so I just need to stop. I talked to anyone who listened. His mom, my mom, his sis, his friend, my friends, my mom's friends, my aunts, my boss. Yup. Too much.

I've already cut off his sis and Art (the friend). That is a whole situation in itself, but I wish them no ill will, but I truly feel they have been bad friends and family to me and boo, but I forgive them. However, I will never trust either of them, nor do I want to have a deep relationship with either of them. That is my choice. Boo claims to feel the same, but they are his PEOPLE. His sis and best friend, so if he feels the need to have a relationship with them, that is his choice and I will not resent him for it.

I also have to cut off his mom. Not as far as complete cut off, just stop talking about me and Boo. I still see her as a friend and my family, but I need to keep my marriage problems to a couple of trusted friends.

Right now, Boo is in replay, going back and forth btw home and his bachelor pad, opening up to me a little, and doing nice things for me, which I appreciate.

Yesterday I had 6 random notes placed around the house, with funny inside jokes written on them. One made me laugh out loud! Funny notes are a pretty regular occurrence, but he took the time to right out 6 of them and hide them around the house! How Cute!

When we talked about his text convo with Art, I told him about the one I received and how I was upset that Art told me I deserved better. I turned the situation around, and thought, "what if my BFF told my H that he deserved better than me?" Even though I DO deserve better, why would Boo's BFF betray him like that? He hasn't even tried to understand what Boo is going through, and Boo hasn't told him because he feels he can't confide in him, because it will go straight to Boo's sis then to his mom. I actually feel really bad that he has no one to confide in.

I told him that I was trying to be more open to criticism and trying to be a better listener and he can talk to me if he wants, but I understand if he doesn't want to. I told him I was really trying to change, he said he knew, he sees it.

So that is my Friday so far, but its only 10AM.

Boo did offer me a delish sandwich he made for lunch.

Back to my work. Hope everyone has a blessed morning.