Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis GUILT IS IT A GOOD SIGN?

Portia...funny how they think they are fooling us. Yeah guilt is VERY different from remorse.

Also how people would view him is a very accurate description . I believe this is why they seek new people with which to hang, for they won't be judged by them, they never knew them as anyone different.

I wonder how many get past their guilt, and function with acceptance of themselves. I believe us not judging and accepting of whatever they experiment , would have much to do with being able to trust us.

I have come to see this as a grand experiment. Not so much a journey. For with a journey, one travels. This to me seems more like what we used to do as small children. Dress up.

Play with costumes, what we want to be, who we want to look like.

I'm thinking of joining in on the fun. I'm going to get some wigs, of different colors and styles. I'm going to play with them. Maybe even get the guts to go outside my house in them...

Why not have fun? Why not try something completely different? My hair is short enough that I can get it underneath a wig.

I think this will help me to appreciate the trying on of a persona that is not anything like who I am. Who knows, I may find I like one of the styles! Ha!

HMMMM lying = more info sometimes.....I'll have to keep that one filed away in the brain. Never thought about that.

I THINK H felt guilty at first. Never, ever, said anything to me other than he was super happy with everything but when his sister, when she was talking to me, would say things I got the feeling he was confused and felt guilty but not enough to change his ways. My H has HUGE self esteem issues, always always has, and does not like anyone thinking badly about him so if anything THIS was the main issue for him. He did comment a few times about how "fine, I'll be the bad guy" and "if you want everyone to think I'm an a$$hole" that he would, basically, sacrifice his good rep to get what was needed.....how kind, eh! haha

I'm an Italian Catholic, I know guilt, and I see more appearance based decisions over guilt based decision being made with my H but that doesn't mean I don't think that deep down he doesn't feel it.....I'm actually fairly certain he does at some level (mind reading, I know, no need to smack me:)) he just pushes those feelings away. He says over and over and over again "once this is settled it'll be easier" He has made this statement since the day he left and said it again just the other day to my cousin.....I wonder what he truly feels that he is refusing to acknowledge.

my 2 cents

Lois



I could see this ! The more they feel the guilt the more they try to assuage it.



I so agree. I'm getting there... everyday I feel a bit of myself return, and even someone who is a bit more daring.

Losing weight has given me a gift I've needed for awhile. A bit more confidence. I walk taller , oh the heels help! Shoulders back, chin up.

I believe the whole process is fascinating. I'm going to make it, one way or another.

Now back to the guilt...I believe the better I get, and more comfortable I am, hopefully he will be able to get through his process and grow from it.

I am starting to feel a bit sorry for him. The agony of not knowing who he is , and the guilt and sadness he's feeling.

Remorse is a good topic as well. Wonder how that is exhibited covertly? Hmmmm.....

Whiterose,

Sounds like he is convincing himself. In the Hero's Spouse, she had an article about subliminal positive comments.

I liked her attitude about when they "justify" their behavior.

For example , if your husbands says something like...

" once this is settled it'll be easier..."

you could say something to cause doubt...

" I could see how you may believe this, but I believe eventually you'll see that not to be true. It may even be more difficult . I have confidence you'll figure that out..."

Apparently causing doubt when they are confused sews the seeds of perhaps this is not the only way...maybe there is another alternative?

Rollercoaster reminds us that the OW maybe manipulating spouse for her selfish reasons, while countering their pressure with confidence and assurance may cause the MLCER to doubt themselves.

The mere fact that he continues to say the exact same phrase, and repeatedly sounds as if he is looking for another way out of his dilemma.

Does this ring true ? What do you think?

He has never said it directly to me.....other people have told me he has said this. It's funny because when he was talking to my cousin, she needed help with her stereo because she's 18 months post D with her MLC husband, and he offered to call her.....anyway he said that and her response was "It's hard for everyone. It takes a long time to find a new normal and it's hard....very hard" and he knows exactly what she's gone through with her crazy as$ MLC man and his response to her was "I don't really want to talk about his with you as you're W's cousin" she didn't push it.

He, VERY POLITELY, asked me for his resume yesterday (on my computer as I always sent in his applications, wrote the resume, etc) which leads me to think that ONCE AGAIN he's not happy in his job. A job he got Aug 2012 that is was SO EXCITED about. There's always something bigger, better, easier and he may be turning his sites away from me and now making it about work.....me mind reading. No OW (although I think MAYBE MAYBE feelings for a coworker--but, that's only my woman intuition and nothing at all concrete and she is, apparently, engaged)......he has many new friends, don't know me or our life, that have happy divorces and blah, blah, blah, so I think this is where he gets a lot of his "info".

I think he's confused. I've always maintained he loves me. It was a rocky relationship, FOR SURE, but to say madly, deeply, completely would be an understatement. In his silent moments he's hurting badly and he feels guilt and MAYBE remorse (good one Portia) and maybe he's seeing that I'm not all, most, but not all the cause of his problems so now it's work??

OMG I'm so sorry....blabbing all over the place here:)

Blab away...that's what it's for! As for the getting his info from happy divorces...anyone that's had a divorce, who really loved their spouse, ( and wasn't beaten, tortured, addictive issues ) is lying.

I bet you most would say they wished it worked out. My response...thinking about Rollercoaster , would be:

" yeah they say they're happy, but you know that's part of the misery loves company thing... Making things work out is much more satisfying in the long and short run. " But you already knew that..."

I don't see how you are most of his problems, for he moved out in April...his problems have all gone away right?

So the divorce is for what ? Yup , he's still confused.

This is where I see Smokey feel the worst. I think the idea that others, outside the family, know how badly he's behaved have embarrassed him more than anything.

That brings us to embarrassment and shame. A whole other subject.

I sometimes thing SHAME is what drives this whole thing we call MLC. I think these men and women have a deep-seated shame about being who are they are. Just being brings them them shame.

InMyHOP

Heather

sometimes THINK, thing

Oh my gosh, my post is riddled with typos. I'm really not drunk people.

Not yet,

Heather

Ambivalent,
From my experience all of the MLCers speak of their guilt at one time or another, i.e., some at the beginning, some at the acceptance level and others when the dust has completely settled and life moves on.

If you follow the stages of MLC, when the crisis first hits, they are in denial about a lot of things and yes, many of them have already begun the journey down the slippery slope of MLC. The pain, confusion, anger, guilt and shame are all mixed into the pot right along with depression. Self medication is the only way that they can escape these feelings for a short period of time. However, the guilt tends to keep them from looking us in the eye when they are around us. They can't be around us or hear our voices because they can detect the pain we are suffering and the guilt spurs them on to more self medication. This is why many of them prefer to deal w/us via email and/or text messaging. They don't have to hear our voices.

Holidays tend to bring the guilt out more and usually this time of the year, the LBS begins to have more contact w/them, whether it's positive on negative, it doesn't matter just as long as they can remind us that they are still out there. As for remorse, it comes much later in the crisis when they begin to have more moments of clarity and especially during the final stages of acceptance and actually returning to reality.

Those who have reconciled are those who have actually worked on themselves. They have been the ones that have faced their demons, accepted that they can't change the past, but can change themselves and have proven that they do want to reconcile w/their spouses. However, I do want to caution those who are reconciling, do not expect to get apologies as we know them. Apologies are very vague and do not feel like apologies. The MLCer will also want to sweep their crisis under the rug and not discuss what they did or didn't do or say during the crisis. Some will not remember everything and others are so ashamed of what they've done, they would much prefer to forget about it and move on w/life.

I'd like to point out that those that have returned to their marriages are generally the mature, more settled people. Some may return w/a few traits that they acquired during the crisis and others may return pretty much like themselves, personality wise pre-crisis. Those that have reconciled have discovered that their spouses are more settled, more mature and happy. I know of only a few cases whereby the MLCer returned and was still a bit of a monster, and they ended up divorcing or he/she left again to finish up their crisis or live as bitter people till they died. However, just because the MLCer wants to reconcile, it doesn't necessarily mean that it will happen. You, the LBS have the final say as to whether you want them back as your spouse or not. You ultimately hold the key to reconciliation, not the MLCer.