Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis New to the board, fairly newly LBS from MLC.

My son was supposed to have a counseling session this afternoon, but it had to be canceled by the therapist. I called H to let him know we would not need the car this afternoon after all... I thought that was a considerate thing to do, rather than have him come home with the car and find out we didn't really need it.

I left a voicemail, he claims he gets no cell service at OW's trailer, so I expected that would be the case. Would have just sent a text, but I used the house phone to conserve the prepaid minutes on my cell.

I am still a decent and considerate person, should I be doing a 180 on that? lol.

Going to go get dressed and do my run... when I run I always come back! Such a novel concept. :P

*sigh* Not a good afternoon. He came home anyways for some stupid reason. "To relax and get ready to skate later." I popped into his den to remind him we needed to grocery shop, so I needed the debit card or for him to come with me. He said he was not doing it today, we could go tomorrow. Presumably he will also expect me to get the laundry done and to the laundromat to dry tomorrow. I mentioned this and he just shrugged and kept watching whatever video he was watching on the computer.

I took off with the car for awhile without informing him. I didn't think I really should have to given the circumstances... that is basically what he does 80% of the time. I came home when he called me. I did not tell him where I went. It shouldn't matter to him anyways, should it?

I wanted to go straight from the car to my son's bedroom when I got back, but ran into him in the hallway. I tried to slide past him without making eye contact and he made a move to get in my way and block me. I just pushed past and we bumped shoulders. He asked me "what my problem was." Seriously? And he was wearing cologne, which he either bought for himself but I think OW gave him. I just said, "nice effing cologne." And he tried to say some more nonsense to me and I stomped to the room and yelled a bunch of things I shouldn't have. Like, "I don't know why you even bothered to come home today, you don't want to be here anyways. Pack up your [censored] and go stay with your whore. If that's the life you want, then go live it."

I don't know how much of it he even heard, but I was SO angry. How dare he get in my way when all I am trying to do is give him space and avoid a confrontation. I have times when I feel sane and calm and level, but there is still so much anger under the surface. How do you let it go?

Maybe it would be better if he just packed up and went completely. I know it will make it much more likely he will further marginalize me and our son and that we will probably have difficulty getting the car from him and money when we need it... but I don't know if I can wear a mask strong enough right now to not be angry.

I don't know. Is it worth even having him here part of the time if it is just going to make it hard for me to keep my head together?

Thoughts? I cook for him when he is here and do his laundry, but he mostly comes home to chill out in his den and be alone or to take a shower and get dressed and shaved for work in the morning. Are those luxuries he should even have? One has to think he could just as easily take a shower there and have his clothes there.

Db'ing isn't working when I hold it together for a day and then have an angry rant.

After the yelling I kind of felt like punching and kicking holes in the wall, I was SO mad at him AND myself, but instead I FIXED a hole he punched in the wall of our bedroom around 5 years ago over something really kind of stupid.

I want a do over.

I have wished for about a thousand of those ^^^ through this journey...

Sounds like you picked yourself up and got moving again.

Tomorrow, try again. This stuff is tough, very tough.

You'll get lots of practice, in fact, sometimes I think of everyday as a chance at "do-over"...

No thoughts on whether it would be better to send him away completely or not?

Tiger,

This is a tough question. Perhaps if you read up on other's situations. Those who have H. still at home and those whose H's have left.

Then sit down and really think about what YOU want.

I know, with my H. gone. I have more time to work on me. Spend time on the board, and release a lot of emotions when and how I need.

I also know that I have been horribly soulfully lonely without him around. It is truly tough a hard decision to make. You are finding out a ton of stuff all at once, and you are so new to this .

You are going to have to decide, but read up on it and then give it a few days to marinate. I have learned to try and not react in a situation. To try and recognize, baiting and button pushing. If you can see it for what it is*, then it is easier to control yourself when it is presented to you.

Baiting and button pushing are ways to get you riled up, so in their minds you are an angry, crazy, unpredictable ( insert adjective here ) wife . It validates why they "have" to leave you, or the marriage.

Thank you Ambi for that insight. You are right, blocking me in the hall was probably intentional button pushing, how dare I try to walk past and not give him the attention he thinks he deserves.

I found out last might my Dad is having some health issues too, so really today was just hard all around. I KNEW after the grocery store talk that I just didn't even want to see him again today, that I would be better not seeing him. Because all I want right now is someone to hold me and tell me things will be okay, and he isn't that person right now.

I have my first therapy session on Monday. It still seems so far away.

In-house mlc'er? Or out-of-house?

Both have advantages, and disadvantages. My sitch is in-house, but if she wants to go, I won't stand in the way.

If I kick her out, or D, then that gives her the "out", and no responsibility in her mind. She is the victim.

I set a few boundaries, the consequence of which was to kick her out, and interestingly, she hasn't crossed them to my knowledge.

It really cooks down to what works best for you.

Amb has some good stuff up there ^^^.

Hi Tiger,

Sorry you are having a rough one.

That's terrific that you are going to start therapy on Monday. Good for you.

Remember that this is a marathon and not a sprint. I know you want to make things easier, but asking him to move out may not serve you in the long run.

I asked my H to move out, on impulse, as a reaction to finding out about OW. I just wanted him gone. Well, he's been gone 2 years now. I'm glad I haven't had to live with his insanity--at the same time, I'm still not sure I did the right thing.

Slow down. You need to make these decisions with a clear head.

You can always ask him for a time out. Maybe ask that he steer clear of you for a week? Give you a chance to detach and think?

Just a thought.

Hang in,

Heather

Well, he doesn't SLEEP here now. We had some naps together after he first stopped sleeping here, but that hasn't happened either in about a week or so.

He basically comes to home to hang out in another room and be alone most of the time. I think ONCE since he stopped sleeping here we watched a tv show together. He goes grocery shopping with me, but I kind of get the sense that it is to make sure I don't run wild and buy a bunch of thing I don't "need" or get cash back without him knowing about it. :P

It seems to me that it is more about having the comforts of home and solitude than anything else. Compared to the confines of a dingy, dirty, stale cigarette smelling (although rumor has it she quit her "occasional smoking" for him... everything he wears there smells like someone's grandma and febreeze, it is so gross) trailer house I bet our master bath and his own home office space seems pretty lush.

But by letting him come and go and ENJOY that space and comfort am I just prolonging how long it might take him otherwise to come to the realization that he doesn't REALLY want that other reality as bad as he thinks he does?