She felt that i only went to bed when i wanted to have sex
I was always on my computer and too busy to help her with house work / my daughter
I would like to add that things have not been totally unbearable, in that i feel she has taken notice of some of the changes and is feeling a little better about them.
One thing I have really been working on, is consistently going to bed with her, not initiating sex, and trying to be affectionate without the expectation of sex. I will be completely honest with myself and you guys, I would feel really rejected and hurt (unwanted) when she would say no to me. And would sometimes cause a scene. After realizing how she felt (that i made her feel like i only wanted her for sex) I can totally understand why she would say no.
I totally get this... I can think back on my sitch and see these same patterns. Be careful in counselling. My W and I went a few years ago, then she decided she wanted to go for herself. After about 8 months of that everything seemed great in my eyes.
What I didn't realize was she was waiting for me to change, but didn't complain or nag. When that perceptively didn't happen. (I did make some major changes, but weren't the ones she had the issues with) She started to reject me when I asked to ML. I get the hurt that comes with this and I made scenes as well.
This pattern continued and then she once threatened to leave to MIL's. That's when I started to pursue her.... and then 2 months later, she's left...
So if I were you in your sitch. Get Divorce Remedy, Read it, Follow it, GAL, start making yourself happy.
Groov
Me:35 W:33 D:6 S:4 M:13 years BD:W Moves Out with D6 S4 7/25/13 EA: Confirmed 12/12/13 Divorced: 11/7/2014
Since last week my wife has been acting even colder and even more cinical. When i asked her if it was because of the upcoming counseling she said yes. That she was afraid i would just beat her up and tell her how much i hated her.
I sat down and explained my Goal for counseling. Trying to build towards the future. Not beat her up over the past.
This seemed to somewhat calm her a bit.
I do need to pick up the book, and i am making strides to GAL. I made plans with my buddies next weekend.
I understand that the blame is not all mine. But the more and more i look at it, i realize that i have definately not been the best husband.
CC,
How difficult would it be for you to say, "I have not been a good husband," instead of what you said? I am trying to own my part in my own situation, and I think reality can be our friend. I have been practicing telling myself the hard truth.
"Not been the best" simply means that you won't win H of the year. But I think we are talking about something different...negligence, selfishness, avoidance...things that drive our W's into other arms, or at least into hopelessness.
I'm rooting for you. Good luck.
_________________________ Me: 37 W: 37 M: 11 D:5 S:2 IDLYA, W removed rings, BD 07/13 EA/Fantasy (PA?) confirmed 12/13 W moved out 05/14
One of the Problems that I am currently having is "going dark".
I feel like a big part of the initial issues that my wife had was that i neglected her, and that i wasn't around enough when she needed or wanted me.
But now she tells me that she needs space and doesn't want to feel suffocated.
I'm trying to balance being available / unavailable.
I'm afraid if i become too unavailable then it would be seen as more of the same old thing. But if i'm too available, then i'm suffocating and not being mysterious.
IMHO, I would be careful with counselling. In my sitch I would only consider counselling again if I had a firm commitment from W that she wants to work on the R. I feel the past counselling we had started the clock on my W putting a timeline on change then Walking away. (My sitch is different in this though)
Me:35 W:33 D:6 S:4 M:13 years BD:W Moves Out with D6 S4 7/25/13 EA: Confirmed 12/12/13 Divorced: 11/7/2014
One of the Problems that I am currently having is "going dark".
I feel like a big part of the initial issues that my wife had was that i neglected her, and that i wasn't around enough when she needed or wanted me.
But now she tells me that she needs space and doesn't want to feel suffocated.
I hear you on this one, I have felt the same in my sitch. Although, "Going Dark" may be too extreme in your sitch. Lovingly Detach is what I am doing. I just try not to let their or anyones sh!t mess with me anymore. Groov is happy, no matter what is spewing forth from anyone especially W.
This has been a huge 180 for me. As I have always been attentive to what others thought of me. Now I only care what I think of myself. I am working hard on only letting myself and (higher powers) define who I am.
I think in your sitch when your W reaches out to you, you be attentive, actively listening, Reflecting, Validating and if you can Empathize. It's not neglect if they want their space.
I hear you though, I struggle with the same complaints from my W.
Keep DBing, you read DR yet?
Me:35 W:33 D:6 S:4 M:13 years BD:W Moves Out with D6 S4 7/25/13 EA: Confirmed 12/12/13 Divorced: 11/7/2014
One of the Problems that I am currently having is "going dark".
I feel like a big part of the initial issues that my wife had was that i neglected her, and that i wasn't around enough when she needed or wanted me.
But now she tells me that she needs space and doesn't want to feel suffocated.
I hear you on this one, I have felt the same in my sitch. Although, "Going Dark" may be too extreme in your sitch. Lovingly Detach is what I am doing. I just try not to let their or anyones sh!t mess with me anymore. Groov is happy, no matter what is spewing forth from anyone especially W.
This has been a huge 180 for me. As I have always been attentive to what others thought of me. Now I only care what I think of myself. I am working hard on only letting myself and (higher powers) define who I am.
I think in your sitch when your W reaches out to you, you be attentive, actively listening, Reflecting, Validating and if you can Empathize. It's not neglect if they want their space.
I hear you though, I struggle with the same complaints from my W.
Keep DBing, you read DR yet?
I think you are right, I really need to work on detaching more. I feel like i keep seeking approval from her and not getting it.
Another issue about detaching, is that i feel responsible towards my daughter to be available. It is really hard for me to just up and leave and not let them know where i am going.
I know that i need to stop making excuses.
I ordered:
DR the 5 love languages no more mr nice guy men are from mars
Any other suggestions?
Counseling was ok, I feel like we were able to have an honest conversation, and the counselor was able to ask questions to make us think. I just hope that it had the same effect on my W.
We have had a really rushed life. We met, 2 months later found out we were having a kid, got married a year later, and then bought a house in the 3rd year. We discussed how her current job is extremely stressful, and how she hates it, and resents the fact that i have not worked harder to find a better job. (She feels stuck in her job because I won't work to find a better one for myself)(she currently makes more money than I do)
With that knowledge, i spoke with my HR rep today at work. I asked what responsibilities i could take on, or what i needed to do to move up ( including make better money ). She was very receptive and is going to come up with a list of things i can do, as well as possible pathways to work towards. I will also be looking into other opportunities outside of the organization.
I heard a quote today. "what would you do if you werent afraid". I decided I no longer want to be afraid, and that I need to work towards my potential.
Thanks for listenening, and all suggestions are welcome
