They removed the mass from near my clavicle and the pathology report will take some days. But the pathologist did say that visually it appears benign. So that's a relief but considering life events lately, I will wait until the report comes back before I breathe easy.
s4tk
_________________________ Me: 37 W: 37 M: 11 D:5 S:2 IDLYA, W removed rings, BD 07/13 EA/Fantasy (PA?) confirmed 12/13 W moved out 05/14
W has been gone 15 days on a trip to pack all of our stuff at our previous residence OS. She returns in 2 days. I have been watching the kids full time during this time. W and I were in touch only about details of the packing, and for her to FaceTime with the kids.
Detach, detach, detach. Every thread I read is filled with this advice. I think I am beginning to GAL, and I think I am taking things a day at a time. I am even open to the idea of life without her as W if she chooses this.
But I think that since we are still under the same roof, and since lack of emotional connection was one of her main complaints about our R in the days following BD, I think my biggest fear is that one day she will say to me, "H, I told you this and this and this about our M," and you just went all passive and did nothing."
Now, I know the 180s are about actions and not words, but if we are doing the 180s for us, and not for them, then what are we doing to bust our D's? I know I will hear the words counter-intuitive and detach some more.
Let me be clear - I just feel like what I read in DR is just a bit different from the detachment idea I hear so much here. The former seems active, the second passive. Discuss amongst ya'selves.
s4tk
_________________________ Me: 37 W: 37 M: 11 D:5 S:2 IDLYA, W removed rings, BD 07/13 EA/Fantasy (PA?) confirmed 12/13 W moved out 05/14
But I think that since we are still under the same roof, and since lack of emotional connection was one of her main complaints about our R in the days following BD, I think my biggest fear is that one day she will say to me, "H, I told you this and this and this about our M," and you just went all passive and did nothing."
You probably will hear something along those lines, and when you do, just understand that it is script straight from the handbook. If you pull back then you'll hear the above, if you do something to reach out to her then she'll say "why are you doing all of this NOW, when it's too late? Why didn't you do something BEFORE it was too late?" The WAS is not going to throw you a bone, that's why we say change for YOU, because if you're only looking for validation from yourself then you'll get it every time, LOL!
Quote:
Let me be clear - I just feel like what I read in DR is just a bit different from the detachment idea I hear so much here. The former seems active, the second passive. Discuss amongst ya'selves.
There's a lot of misunderstanding here about what detachment is. It isn't being cold and indifferent (that's more along the lines of "going dark"), it just means detaching from their roller coaster. I've put it this way before:
Not detached: W sad, you sad. W happy, you happy. W angry, you angry.
Detached: W sad, you happy. W happy, you happy. W angry, you happy.
All it means is your attitude and spirit is no longer dependent on theirs. You remove yourself from their emotional craziness. It takes time, so have patience with yourself
