Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Hi all. I'm new here.

So I'm trying a huge 180. She used to think I hated hanging out with her friends. The truth is, I'm shy and I would rather spend time with my son. So this morning I told her that I'd be up for hanging out with her and her friends. She was kind of surprised, but what surprised me was that she sort of invited me to one of her Xmas parties. It's the same days as my friend's wedding social. I actually invited her to that and she seemed interested. This is huge for me because during our 14 months separation, she never accepted any of my invites not did she invite me to anything other than family stuff. So as it stands now, I might go to her Xmas party then I will be going to my friends wedding social. Whether she comes or not is still up in the air.

Seems like a good 180 for me to work on, even though its probably not the best time to be implementing this one.

There are a few issues that are bothersome to me, but I just have to remind myself that we're not together right now. She's very social and she will socialize. I have to remain cool.

So I'm helping her pick up a mattress today and a toddler bed. Painful but I gotta do it.

There's a really good chance now that she's coming to my friend's wedding social. Her friend and her friend's bf(they're not doing so well either) will be joining us as well. Maybe a double date atmosphere might help my cause out. Haha.

We have a counseling session together tomorrow morning. Right now the counselor's focus is making sure we can co parent amicably. I have no doubt we can because we've already been through that scenario for 14 months during our last separation. If we continue seeing our counselor what are some do's and dont's?

I feel after every session it's a step back. My W gets super emotional and withdraws from me. I was a wreck last time as well. My focus tomorrow is to keep calm. I think I'm going to back off on getting the counselor to make my W see that she needs to look in the mirror.

Ps. Now that I'm off moderation, why no responses? Anyway, writing my thoughts out helps regardless.

One thing you learn from DB is patience.
The responses will come.

"Now that I'm off moderation, why no responses?"

You do know that people who are posting are just regular people right? We are not obligated to post or get paid to. Understand that right off the bat.

I totally understand that. I wasn't trying to be rude or anything. When I was on moderation for that week I had lots of warm welcoming responses. Someone asked if I was still around, so I'm basically saying, ya I'm still here. I also understand that if i dont post anything it will get lost. People tend to not reply to posts that were made 2 weeks ago. At least thats how it is on all the other forums i'm on. Sorry if I'm being a pain. I'm still getting used to how this forum flows.

2TH, for me anyway, it would help if you would set up a signature. It helps to job people's memory about your situation so they don't have to go back and read your original posts. Sometimes people don't have time to do this, so they might not bother responding at all.

As for your 180 of going out with her friends . . . be careful not to use 180s to turn yourself into someone you're not. You really want 180s to be things that are consistent with who you are. If you just plain don't like going out with her friends, then (a) you might have a crappy time and she will notice - this will backfire as it will only prove to her what she already sees in you; and (b) more importantly, 180s should be things that you can maintain if you R. You don't want to do things that you aren't into just to get her back, and then quit once you R.

Are you in IC? It seems to me that might help. It sounds like you have some issues to work on yourself - we all do!

Thanks for your reply.

About going out with her friends... It's not that I don't like to hang out with her friends/family, it's just that I'm a bit past the going out all the time phase. I love my son like crazy and I have so much fun with him. Everytime I've gone out with her and her friends I am very social. Which is a huge 180 from when I was a teenager. I'm generally shy but as I approached my late 20's-30's I've become more comfortable around people. So maintaining this 180 isn't really difficult. What's difficult is whether or not she believes me. Which I have no control over.

About IC. I've been in IC for close to 2 years now. I'm sort of ahead of the game with regards to that. My W is just getting set up with IC. My counselor said it best. She said that I'm in the late stages of change while my W is at the beginning. I know change doesn't happen over night but I've been at this for 2 years. My W knows I've changed but she has a tough time relating to this new me. She still treats me like I'm my old self which causes problems. Today in counseling she said she still reacts to the way I used to be. That's something she has to figure out. There was a bit of a breakthrough in counseling today though. Our counselor asked what would we like to work on. I mentioned I'd like to find a way to communicate better without all the negative perceptions. During our next session we will be working on that. I admit it was bit of a selfish move but it would make life so much easier if my W didn't mind read me. Removing negative perceptions is something we all should do, including myself.

I will work on a signature.

I'm tired of these stupid setbacks. We'll go days getting along and her doing nice things then I go and something stupid. During the relationship it pissed me off that she was always on her phone. Texting, fb'ing, instagraming etc. I worked hard on not letting it bother me, but now that we're broken up it bothers me even more. I know I don't deserve her undivided attention when we're together just watching tv or sitting around. So why do I open my mouth and comment how much she's on her phone. I know she's going to get defensive. Yet I still open my damn mouth. She moves out in 2 weeks so I guess I won't have to see her on her phone. This [censored]. I hate feeling like this but I know it'll pass.

Can somebody tell me not to ask about her damn phone. Yell at me even. Tell me it's the stupidest thing I can do. No good comes out of it.

I guess this is another step back.

Sounds like maybe you need to work on self control when it comes to saying things out loud?

If you haven't come up with any goals yet, maybe that can be one?