Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Rolling up my sleeves...

Thinking more tonight as I know that she was on the phone with OM when I came home around 11:30 This was the same pattern as last week. I said nothing, just began to make sure our plans were square for tomorrow. Kids going in 2 different directions, making sure we coordinated who was going where and when. Watched a little TV. She has been texting/messaging/Facebooking for almost 2 solid hours. All the shile I watched a little TV, continued to talk to her a bit about what was on. Came downstairs to my laptop to see if I'd gotten any more instructions or insight from my new friends.

Her activity doesn't really bring feelings of rage or rejection tonight. It makes me think about what she might be saying to whoever is on the other end. What is going through her mind that makes her feel the need to invest so much emotional energy into another person and many persons that may be Facebook friends or Instagram followers.

I know I can't help her, but I can feel sorry for her turmoil. How do I express that without sounding condescending or patronizing? I don't want to drive her further away be pursuing her either.

This beautiful, giving, loving woman has become lost in a fog that she wanders around in searching for answers. She is a little hurt girl that needs guidance and protection. I know I cannot provide that for her. That is frustrating.

My journey of turmoil, transition, and upheaval is just beginning. I feel sorry for my W. Sorry that she has not led a fulfilling enough life that she is in crisis at this point. Sorry that she must walk it mostly alone. Her BFF is her rock and her confidant. I cannot by there in this manner.

I feel sorry for myself that I have never looked deeper into myself to decide who I really am. Just like she is trying to sort through her roles as woman, mother, and wife, I've got to figure out who in the world I really want to be.

I think that I want to be a great role model for my sons. I want to be a steady rock in the stormy seas of life for my family. In my professional life, I care for other people's children on a daily basis. I help to guide them and provide stability in their lives. I want to bring that same energy to my own life and my own family.

Down the rabbit hole...

"I know I can't help her, but I can feel sorry for her turmoil. How do I express that without sounding condescending or patronizing? I don't want to drive her further away be pursuing her either."

You don't. You just give her space right now, but be there when she reaches out to you.

Continue to figure out who you want to be and work on that. She will be watching.

This is a worthy goal, one that can and will be achieved. Don't beat yourself up to much over the love issue.

There are many forms of love and we didn't come with manuals.

It is also primal for men to focus on shelter, hunting, and protection.

It is primal for women to nurture, nest, and organize. Yes there are exceptions, but mostly this is where we are.

Men tend to be big picture and big gifts, women the opposite.

So forgive yourself, learn, and grow!

Your boys are watching, she IS watching, not so much during replay, but every now and then they notice.

Hugs to you and I'm glad you are looking within. It isn't an easy thing to do, nor is watching their behaviors..<:}

Great day with S10 as we had together time at church carnival while W and S12 had their own time. Then we all went to a cookout. Good good, lots of friends and kids. Played football, danced a little. W had a great time and seemed to be the life if the party as others wanted her to dance more. Fun for everyone.

Then crap. W initiates conversation when we get home about what we should say to S12 about what's going on. Asks me if I've talked to him. Under the guise of a "friendly" conversation about the welfare if our children I get spurts if venom again.

"I don't know what flipped your switch this week, but you went from wanting to kick me out to being friendly". I resisted the opportunity to remind her that OM called last Friday and she confessed to continuing to talk to him after lying that she had stopped.

"I'm not sure how much S12 has heard, but you're loud when you say things to me. I'm sure when you said I had a boyfriend he heard that. Thanks for that, by the way." That statement was made on BD night as the world I knew it was falling on top if me. She's been holding onto that one since that night to use against me.

I calmly tried to explain that the difference in my behavior was due to the fact that it took me a few days to process new information and that I've been working hard to look at myself. I said "when you say I flipped a switch..,". She immediately denied saying that. She just made that exact statement 5 minutes earlier. I was quoting her. She was spitting so much venom she didn't even remember what she said. Unbelievable.

Compared our sitch to her BFFs sitch. I calmly suggested that we not try to compare our sitch to anyone and I certainly would prefer not to be compared to BFFs H. He has a problem with alcohol, anger, and lack of responsibility. I got, "I'm not trying to compare you to him. I'm just saying the kids are in the same sitch. This talk isn't about us it's about our children." OK

I resisted every temptation to defend and be drawn into a fight. 3 different times she says that she doesn't want to fight, but...

I validated her feelings and tried to show understanding and compassion. I made the suggestion that I talk to S12 about things since she feels that he blames her for everything and feels that their relationship is hurting because of it. I told her the reassurance to S12 should come from me because if their problems lately. We then talked about how we felt that talk should go.

Great day ruined again. I believe she is incapable of allowing anything positive to happen. I had a great time today around friends and being with my kids. W and I got along gone during it all and she seemed to have fun. I caught her watching me playing football a couple times. I also caught her watching me dance.

Does her fog make her afraid of progress? Is she so mixed up and lost that chaos us more comfortable? Is it everything in general, or is it just seeing me be positive that envokes venom?

This stinks. I can't even have fun with my kids and other friends without W destroying it afterwards.

I forgot to mention that W basically shut the car door on S12s head while he was trying to unlock his door to get in. She was busy looking at her phone as we were all loading up and didn't even notice he was there. Luckily, no blood and no stitches. Just a lump on the head.

Scary moment. S12 responded by asking how she didn't see him, because he was right beside her. I just ran around to help him and see if he was OK. I later even assured him in front of W that it was just a silly accident and everyone is OK. Could have ended really bad.

W is awful interested in my activities for some reason. I expect a full round of crap tonight again. As I got up this morning to take family dog out, I came back in to find that she had been through my text messages. She laid there in the bed so innocently as I walked back into the bedroom and asked me about how cold it was outside. I chose not to confront her or ask anything. I truly have nothing to hide except for this forum.

S10 and I went to Sunday school slone, leaving W and S12 at the house. We actually walked to church and had a great talk along the way. Lesson and following sermon were about dealing with difficult people in our lives. Very appropriate.

Good news. My relationship with S10 is really blooming. I have never been as close to him as I am right now. We are polar opposites, but we are learning to appreciate our special time together. I am incredibly grateful for that.

Bad news. I laid in bed this morning watching her sleep. I am having the hardest time detaching from her physically. I want to hold her, touch her, feel her warmth. I feel an incredible urge to reach out to her. She is an incredibly beautiful, sexy woman.

Evil thoughts. I understand how important physical touch and closeness is to me. I feel myself aching for something. I felt myself wondering how long I can stand this before I fall victim to desiring the physical touch if another woman. How do I control that? It's not just the desire to ML, it's everything.

I wish I could tell you it gets easier without having physical touch, but it doesn't. It's a long tortuous journey.

It would be easier if I wasn't tormented by her presence all the time. Laying beside her in our bed is making my guts turn inside out and my brain scramble.

I could not even imagine going through the crap you are right now then sleeping in the same bed. Like I said before, you are clearly a strong man and if you feel this is the woman you are meant to be with, continue to fight for your M as long as you can. The worst thing in my mind would be having to look back in a year or two and have regret that you did not try hard enough if things do not work out. I wish you the best of luck, hang in there man.

I'm not sure I can make it a year or two.