Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Where am I at?

Yes I sipped it in her iPad and she should see it some time this morning, and if the past is any indicated she will not respond or let me know shehas read it. Did i a mistake by giving it to her? I read it several times to my self and to a good friend, he said it was worded very well and said it didn't sound needy that it was to the point. The friend I shared with, through this with his wife several years ago and has been like a mentor.

Ok Sandi just by the way you asked that question I got the feeling that was a bad move on my part. I was able to retrieve the leter without her reading it.

Well, you've already rung the bell, so you can't unring it. But since you sent it and laid out the boundaries/conditions of a possible reconciliation, then it's like throwing the ball in her court. If she doesn't say anything about the note, then for goodness sake don't ask her if she read it or begin to repeat what you said in the note. If she wants to discuss it, she will do it in her own time.

I agree with what you said you told her in the note. However, she could very easily see you being quite presumptuous....since she has said nothing to you about having second thoughts.

I think your Pastor tried to tell you that you act/speak before taking necessary time to give it enough thought. Many LBS's discuss their thoughts with board members before acting on it, to get perspective...and more time. I'm not saying you have to run everything by us, but things like note would be a good example of one to talk about.

Another suggestion....I don't know how many people you discuss your MR with...but be very careful who you tell what. When a couple tries to reconcile, it can make the spouse and friends (or relatives, etc.) uncomfortable later, and that can cause a problem. You have your Pastor, your good friend, and us. More than that....is too many folks. Also, be very careful who you listen to (since you are fast to act on it).

I understand what your intent with the note was, yet the wording comes across as controlling (to me).

At this point I would suggest changing your focus, this is not easy. I would work on moving all of your energy to looking at yourself and seeing what you would like to change, discover who you want to be for you, for your S. Look at what parts of your last and current M didn’t work and what part you had in that.

Your emotions are driving you and that is why it is so difficult to do this, yet (imo) the best shot you have to become happy and maybe save this M. Let your W go, let her walk down her road and find her way. You need to be on your road and not hers. You need to focus on you.

Take time to eat, sleep and meditate or just breathe.
If you are not, I highly suggest finding a therapist for just you.
If you need medication for depression or anxiety, then take it. It won’t make it go away, but hopefully it will take the edge off so that you can live and concentrate.
Take time to find out who you are and want to be, what you want out of life and to make some changes, just for you. <<This has to happen and this is the perfect time for it to happen.

If your W moves out, it isn’t the end. For me, my W moving out saved us.

Find so way to curb your tongue, write it out, come post here, call a friend, talk into the wind.

Listen to your W, validate (like you did). Stop at that.
Read Sandi’s rules, then follow them the beat you can.
Keep posting here.

Sandi thanks for the input, yes that is one of my flaws that I am trying to change. I take it that you did not see that I was able to retrieve the letter before see saw it, the envolope was still sealed.

What do you suggest i do, I was wanting to let her know some of the things I have realized over the past several months. I didn't know I was putting the ball in her court, just wanted to let her know that if she moved out that I wasn't going to shut the door on her,
letting her know that she could come back put she just couldn't come back and act like nothing happened. Or should I not say anything and let her go and then have her worry about coming back?

Now looking back, I guess that letter was a little self serving and controlling. I'm not quite ready to just let her walk out of my life. I was preparing myself for this spring not one week from now.

Ice - I think that the WAS knows that we are not going to shut the door on them. Based upon statements from my H, he is pretty confident that he can return whenever (it is part of their fantasy land). I figured that I will wait until he is asking to come back to discuss what will need to change in order to make our M work. It is way too early to discuss that now. Your W has no idea what she wants, except she knows that she needs space.

WAS dont respond to letters or words or promises. They are looking for actions, and honestly, they dont even believe your actions. My H thinks that I am changing to win him back. I dont care if he believes me at this point, because I feel better about myself and that is all that matters.

Instead of writing a letter, you can show your W that you are not going to shut the door on her instead of telling her. You let her know that by being kind and friendly. If she moves out, you refrain from being angry and bitter. Your W will see that the door is open for as long as you decide to leave it open.

You need to let go of any timeline as well. You mentioned that you were preparing yourself for this spring. This journey is going to take a lot longer than you think. You are just at the beginning (as am I). At the beginning, I thought that we would be one happy family again by the holidays which is totally not going to happen. It totally stinks, but you really need to drop expectations to protect yourself. Time is your friend.

Thanks 3boyz, I don't know why I think that if I write a letter she is going to see the witch my way. I don't think she wil be back by spring that is when she told me she was going to leave then out of the blue she started packing last week.

Thanks jp, I know what you are saying its just so hard to follow through right now. My emotions are every where and now I have to worry about making sure the bills get paid and finding the extra money for christmas, I am probably on the verge of filing bankruptcy, its kind of hard to think about doing things I want to do when there's no money.

I respectfully kinda disagree with some of this. I don't think its healthy to consistently show the door will be open. I don't think you should even be talking about the door myself.

You hold yourself back hoping and waiting if that's the case. I get the hope thing, but what motivation is there in your spouse if your going with the "i'll be here" mentality.

You need to act "as if" you are strong enough to move on, that theres is some new mystery in your life. Not in a way that your shutting them out, but in a way that your not going to settle on being the plan B if your spouses plans don't work out.

Wheres the mystery, changes your working on that would interest your spouse to want to be a part of this new you? You don't tell them about your changes, you live life. They are either going to see those changes and want to check it out, or they're going to move on regardless. Basically you have a 50/50 chance according to stats.

This is coming off a little stronger than I wanted. I'm not trying to make it sound like "im done, now im moving on now" cause that's not it. But more of a "i'm taking ownership for my faults, cause that's all I can do". But im going to live my life instead of live my life reacting to what your doing in yours.

I hope you get what im trying to say here. You have to risk losing your marriage sometimes, but that doesn't mean throw it away.

Ok, I'm starting to nose dive. Too much time to think when I drive.

I know I am supose to validate her feelings and that she has been hurt deeplwhen do my feelings and pain get validated? I can't keep going on like I'm superan and that my feelings don't get hurt because I will go back to like i was and start surpressing them again so I don't have to deal with th

I know I'm supposed to detatch so my feelings don't get hurt but I don't See how you can care and love somebody and no matter what.they do or say you dont get hurt.

It feels like every thing that has hurt her in the past, not just me, she is doing to me. Ex she got dumped on her bday she is leaving me right before mine, she's been cheated on I don't know if she is cheating on me but the signs are there. It's like everything she was afraid I would do to her or that she accused me of doing, she is doing to me. Dont mean to sound like a victim but that is what it seems like almost like she is testing me to see how much I love her,