This will be a hard time for your H. Many slip and contact, it takes a lot of willpower to keep away from the OP.
If he is committed to NC, he will be depressed, angry, sad etc.. Expect the worst will be over in a month or two. Likely, he will still miss her to a degree for many months. During this time, as hard as it is, stay positive, and don't express anger in front of him over how he feels- save that for here.
Will your husband get his feeling back for you? Without the OW in the picture, I would say yes- so long as you are meeting his most important emotional needs consistently. If, however, there is intermittent contact with the OW, then you will make no progress.
OW friend texted H to ask what was going on and how he was doing. OW seemed depressed and didn't tell her much. So why the hell is it friends business.
H sent a text the next day to see if OW got the Dear John text. Hello, she's mad and doesn't want to talk to you!!!
He then sent a text to OW F to see if she said anything. She said no but she would see her tomorrow...
I was pretty mean by telling him she is probably mad and doesn't want to talk to you. So stop and get over it!! I know not the right thing to say!!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
This will be a hard time for your H. Many slip and contact, it takes a lot of willpower to keep away from the OP.
If he is committed to NC, he will be depressed, angry, sad etc.. Expect the worst will be over in a month or two. Likely, he will still miss her to a degree for many months. During this time, as hard as it is, stay positive, and don't express anger in front of him over how he feels- save that for here.
Will your husband get his feeling back for you? Without the OW in the picture, I would say yes- so long as you are meeting his most important emotional needs consistently. If, however, there is intermittent contact with the OW, then you will make no progress.
Stay strong!
HS Thank you for your reply!! I know it will be rough! He starts to come around and bang, mad again. I know how he feels since I am going through it with him!! I have to bite my tongue not to say TO DAMN BAD!! Now you know how I feel! As far as he getting his feeling back I really don't this so. He hates me and has to remind me daily of that and we will NEVER get back together. I know not to listen but it is hard.I know I am his whipping post right now. Sleeping in the same bed is not easy.I don't know if I can make it to Christmas for him to leave if something doesn't change!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
OW friend texted H to ask what was going on and how he was doing. OW seemed depressed and didn't tell her much. So why the hell is it friends business.
H sent a text the next day to see if OW got the Dear John text. Hello, she's mad and doesn't want to talk to you!!!
He then sent a text to OW F to see if she said anything. She said no but she would see her tomorrow...
I was pretty mean by telling him she is probably mad and doesn't want to talk to you. So stop and get over it!! I know not the right thing to say!!
How old are all of these people, 13? Good lord!![/quote]
They are 38!! You would think not! He thinks I should just shut my feelings off and get over him. I guess that doesn't apply to him!! I am seriously thinking about just quitting everything and ending it. I'm having a hard time not being mad at him all the time. I am not sure I have the strength to go on. I also hate him living here. But we made an agreement that he could stay through Christmas. So I guess I have to honor it. Im not feeling DBing right now. I need a break!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I know you are frustrated. You do want to save your M, right? Take a deep breath and remind yourself of what your goal is. Right now you are quite literally dealing with a crazy person (your H). Ever try to reason with a crazy person? They never hear you, they just stay in crazy land. Rest assured, once the hormones have moved out of your husband's system, he will start coming back to himself. When he does start seeing out of the fog in glimpses, you want him to see a vision of a wife that he wants to be with, not an angry one that he wants to avoid!
As hard as it is, do your VERY best to be the wife of his dreams- despite how he acts! Do this until Christmas (the date you set).
By Christmas if he is still fogged out by the OW (intermitten contact) the best for you would probably be to separate. Go completely dark. That may be what's needed to wake him up at that point.
I know I just am so bad at this. I am the type that feeds off of my husbands mood. I am working really hard to not be that way. I read a post from 2006 and she suggested The Solo Partner. In there regarding 180 he said if you are the one who cooks, do things for him, talks first etc. Don't!! I know that is what I need to do. I will be hard because I am a caregiver. I need to not act like he's my 3rd child! I know he will notice. Last night after he told me about the texts and I looked upset he said why are you mad. Leave me alone, you shouldn't care and you just don't get it. I said you don't get it, it is disrespect full and hurts for you to text in front of the me/kids, dinner table, etc. Our agreement is for NC with OW. He said I am not it's her friend...A$$! I said fine, I will leave the room or house when you come home and I will not talk to you. H said you don't have to do that..Oh, yes I do. That he will notice! I asked him what I don't get? He said to leave him alone, and the standard "we will never get back together"!! I replied, I know you remind me daily and I haven't said I that to in weeks. I truly wish H was not here but I know it is for the best. They say it is harder when they are gone? I will be the best wife I can be but will limit contact as much as possible. And say NO when he needs something!!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I wouldn't keep switching tactics until you have found what's working or not working. I think that one of the hardest things that you have to do at this point is hear him out when he's missing the OW. I know it's painful- I lived it- but it's necessary. He needs to confide in someone about his pain. You need to be that someone. Otherwise, there is someone else that might understand what he's going thorough that he could talk to - the OW.
You'll have to control your reactions, and let him know that you're sorry that he's hurting (yes, I can hear your mind reeling at this) but that the two of you can get through it. Imagine he's going through drug withdrawl and he's lashing out at the world. He wants that drug back, even just a taste, and even though he knows its bad for him. Be there for him. Love him. Meet his emotional needs, the ones she had been meeting for him. Do you know what they are? List them for me.
Do I think he should be texting the OWs friend? Heck no!! That should be part of your NC agreement. NC with the OW and anyone or anything connected to her! You need to be calm and have your wits about you when you explain to him that it's hurtful to you. You shouldn't have to explain why. Your husbands defensive reaction is tacit agreement from him that he darn well knows why.
Your H needs to see that you can meet his needs just as well as the OW (better even). He is without hope of that right now. You need to remain strong.
Do I think he should be texting the OWs friend? Heck no!! That should be part of your NC agreement. NC with the OW and anyone or anything connected to her!
Correct. Because physiologically, his brain goes thru the same stimulus if/when he talks to someone ELSE about OW, than it would if he were talking to OW directly. And in fact, even NEGATIVE conversation about her stimulates that part of his brain, and basically sets his withdrawal "clock" back to 0:00:00.
Stimulus is stimulus. As HS says, YOU want to be the one to talk to him. Don't let him talk disrespectfully to you (if he does, just calmly say "We can talk more when you're ready to be more respectful"), and don't let him "pine" for OW. But DO let him be moody around you, and feel like he can talk to you.
It's a tough rope to walk, I know. Maybe this will help:
Husband:
"I miss OW! I can't believe you made me give her up!" = NOT okay
"I just don't want to talk to you right now!" = okay
"She used to make me feel ________, and you never will!" = NOT okay. Reply with "Look, I'm sorry you're hurting, but I'm not going to talk about your affair partner with you, as it's very disrespectful to me and to our marriage. What I WOULD like to talk to you about are things you feel you ened from me, emotionally, that you felt you weren't getting. Can we talk about that?" (or something similar)
Thank you so much for all of the advice. I don't have a problem talking to him about her and how he feels. As long as he is respectful. What I do have to work is controlling my emotions and reactions. I really need to find the crying faucet!! It just happens and I can't stop it. I need to think of something else to stop it.
"I miss OW! I can't believe you made me give her up!" = NOT okay
H agreed to the arrangement of staying at home!
" What I WOULD like to talk to you about are things you feel you ened from me, emotionally, that you felt you weren't getting. Can we talk about that?" (or something similar)"
This I will have to wait on. He won't talk about us at all!!.
The crazy this is when we first started all of this. H wanted to try and work on us. He kept saying it was over and wasn't. He would try to be nice and get along and would say things about trying. Now after 4 times of it's over he is bitter and we can not and will not work on us ever. So MAYBE he is serious about ending it with her and I'll hope things will change. I know I have to show him change and a better me. This is my goal!!
HS, I will wait on NC for a bit and feel it out. I am the one who always tries t fix him and talk with him. As crazy as it sounds I feel like I need to try to get him to talk about it. He just gets so nasty and says things and I need to tell him its not acceptable! I have been doing that. H feels to make the digs at me I think to keep me away??
Thank you again for all of your input.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I know he will notice.