Thank you for taking the time to explain this. It has helped me tremendously!!
Welcome. I am glad I can be of service.
Thanks for posting in my thread.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
-D3 asked if I was sleeping there. -D7 asked if the divorce XW and I got was the kind where she was going to have to have a step-dad. -D7 recalled a conversation she had with W and me a few years ago about another family that we knew that was going through a divorce at the time. She accurately remembered that W and I assured her she didn't have to worry about anything like that - that we were a happy family.
I know how tough the questions are. I still remember my girls questioning me leaving home but they have since accepted it. S**k too if they no longer ask.
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
So as not to go to sleep on such a somber note, I'll share a guilty pleasure of mine: I enjoy eating chocolate while watching The Biggest Loser.
This was a tradition in our house - H and I would eat ice cream while watching. This week was the first week he wasn't home to watch it, and it's still on my TiVo. Hoping to get to a point where I am strong enough to watch it on my own, but not there yet.
PM, you are always so helpful to all, and it is inspiring to see how far you have come and that it is well with your soul.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
XW was clingy this evening. Didn't want me to leave and offered to let me spend the night under the guise that I've been ill and she was doing me a favor by letting me sleep there so I wouldn't have to drive home and then get up early tomorrow to drive back over.
Of course, that doesn't explain the extended hug she gave me, her telling me I "smelled like" me, and holding onto my hand and not letting me go when I was trying to walk away.
*sigh*
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Isn't this what you've been waiting for. She's drawing closer to you. I would celebrate the baby steps.
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
She does this kind of thing rather regularly - at least once a month and more often when she's feeling down.
She's dependent on me, like a drug. And she wants to get her fix and feel better for a while because nothing else seems to be working, but then she just retracts and beats herself up over being what she sees as weak.
She says she has to be okay without me, but she never actually wants to be without me...at least when times are tough (which is quite often). I don't see how I'm helping her reach her long term goals if she reaches out to me out of dependency and I feed that.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I am sorry that it is falling on you to be the strong one to break the codependency. I know you can, yet that make it any easier.
If the day comes where she "see" the cycle and acknowledges it, that may be the day that you can celebrate a forward step.
I haven't lost hope in your sitch and know that you will thrive regardless of the outcome, you show that in your words my friend.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I had an "interesting" conversation with XW today before I left. Her brother - a good friend of mine - is having trouble with his new bride. She doesn't seem to give him general support and encouragement as one would expect a spouse to.
As XW was recounting the conversation she had with her brother, she was telling him about her own experience. She told him about how when something positive happened for her at work, that the first person she called was her XH (me) and that I was happy for her and encouraged her and supported her...and that *I* was her ex. It certainly wasn't unreasonable for him to expect that kind of support from his W.
And that I was the first person she called aside (something that probably needs to be addressed and something that I am figuring out the right way to remedy), in the back of my mind I'm wondering if this is registering with XW. That even some married people - some that are newly married - don't get the general love and encouragement that she gets from me. And I didn't even really do anything except be happy for her.
I'm not wasting any time wondering if a light bulb went off above her head, I just thought it was "interesting."
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
And that I was the first person she called aside (something that probably needs to be addressed and something that I am figuring out the right way to remedy),
Can you clarify this, called aside about what?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
And that I was the first person she called aside (something that probably needs to be addressed and something that I am figuring out the right way to remedy),
Can you clarify this, called aside about what?
That I was the first person she called with good news may not be "healthy" for us as a divorced couple...setting that aside to look at the broader point of what basic support for a loved one should look like.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
