No, but I've been around your thread for a long time and sometimes things will be said and then we get a few days along and that's not exactly what was said or what happened.
As someone else said, you tend to waffle like this:
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Did you already give your w the NC condition for w breaking off ALL communication with OM? I thought you had set that condition before you and w ML and you failed to keep that boundary ..
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I think I'm going to approach it a little differently - instead of standing over W and barking demands, I'm just going to reject any invitation or time together, period. She'll want to know why, and then I'll give her the reason, and move on.
Setting boundaries isn't barking demands, it's saying what you need with the consequence clearly stated so the other person has a choice and they Know what to expect.
I'm not sure what you describe above means. It sounds like if she does something you think is good, you reward her??? Can you be more specific?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Remember boudaries are to protect you, and certainly not to punish someone.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Now I'm nervous, should I ask for more tests? Doesn't everyone in an A get checked? I assumed it was a given that you don't roll the side on that.
Your idea of not rolling the dice is "assuming" that W wouldn't roll the dice?
Did you ask your doctor what you should do to protect yourself and what constitutes responsible self-protection during your spouse's affair, or are you planning on relying on your W and this message board?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
@adinva - no, I don't think I said that clearly - one of the VERY first things I said to W was she had to get tested, which is what brought up her past appointment. What I meant by my comment was I see the people on here that reconcile, or actually sleep with their H/W while they are also sleeping with OP, and I don't think I've ever seen anyone talk about testing or anything. Just surprised me when I thought about it...
@bug, jp787 - that's just it. For example, it is a healthy boundary to set NC with OP. But, for example, I would add that it has to be done by 2:00pm, or XYZ happens, even if it's not really reasonable to expect it. Almost as a little extra dig or "punishment" because I'm mad. I don't like that about me, and I want to be different. I really mean that. Beyond OM, I still need to work on me.
@bug, jp787 - that's just it. For example, it is a healthy boundary to set NC with OP. But, for example, I would add that it has to be done by 2:00pm, or XYZ happens, even if it's not really reasonable to expect it. Almost as a little extra dig or "punishment" because I'm mad. I don't like that about me, and I want to be different. I really mean that. Beyond OM, I still need to work on me.
Good, but didn't you - in effect - do that by cancelling your reservation? Or more appropriately, TELLING her you cancelled the reservations?
Set the boundary, then shut up about it. Just enforce it when necessary, politely and calmly.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
PM - ugh. You pretty much caught me in what I was talking about above. If I'm honest, I guess maybe I've wanted W to suffer a little in response to how much she's hurt me with this. That svcks.
Now that you are honest with yourself and recognize it. Learn from it and react differently in the future. Look at why you did that and how you could have handled it better. Another learning opportunity, dont miss out on it.
me: 30 XW:28 tgthr:4 m:1 no kids BD: June 2013 D: Jan 2014
"I've been selfish. I love u. And I'm so sorry for everything. If you only knew how much i wish I could take it all back. I want nothing more than to have a great life and marriage with you. And I know I can't do that without letting go of all of this. I've been praying nonstop since last night and I know what I need to do. I'll call u tonite when it's done."
I just said, "I appreciate it."
Just trying to put everything on here, because I will mess it up somehow!
Let me venture to ask if you are feeling in control at this stage, like your holding the ropes now and have the power?
I ask as I went through this and may still be to some degree.
It is a dangerous place to be and a good time to look deep inside yourself.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
