thanks for note - i always wonder who is out there( Very sorry man tht you find yourself here- it'll help you alot tho, feeling like you have some ears that area ttached to people who know EXACTLY what you're sayin, feelin. i think it savedme in alot of ways.
(enter at yourown risk - got long and windy- sory man....)
there will be lots of folks TELLING YOU exactly what the heck you should be doing allllll the time. be sure and moderate that with your kowledge of self and your own gut.
if you've only been here a few months - i'd say at that time i was laying in the road bleeding profusely & assuming i'd die any minute. someone told me view it like an automobile accident- first breath, staunch the blood flow; then worry aout the rest. something like tht- i can't remember but i can't go back & look because it's too painful. i never ever want to remember how i felt and re-feel any of it. ever (gone & done, getme outta here.....)
just try and stay alive & functioning for today- try listing good stuff (there's some - find it) , you're alive, healthy, sane, etc.
i honestly thought i'd die of grief the first year- just keepin going, moving, living, working was a big accomplishment-
i hope you find some (direction) and when you do figure it all out-please let me know - ok?. (don't expect any miracles too fast - but you'll be amazed at your strength in the long run maybe - i am)
i'm pretty un0-enlighbtened, but getting more and more at peace with that and also, less demanding - i hope - with myself.
i still get mad at self and disgusted sometimes at my lack of "action" - but i remember "it's just feelings and feelings are fleeting" and also that i'm just who i am- who we all are for that matter. no one else can fix us.
ph yeah-= tell yourself regularly you didn't break her- so you can't fix her. AND you can always walk away tomorrow.
i don't much like feelin like world, family & h alllll are "trying to change me". (see- that's my feeling) is it rite? who the heck knows? maybe they're amazed at something i say or do- maybe me letting out all the junk i routinely swallow is awful to them.
nobody likes it when their little "doormat" bites back. (one shabby little "take" i get notions of sometimes. i think i'm being "kind " or something, and really i'm just being a stupid butt-kissing doormat. i do go pretty far to not have conflict or hurt someone's feelings. maybe too far? who can know.
idk- what can we do or be but who we are??? i'm thinking the bottom line is that - it's my life we're talkin about here. MY(your) LIFE - MY(your) HEART!!! well, i'm talkin about. and i'm not at all a gambler- AT ALL. if anyone loses here _ it's me/you. if some stinkin ploy i do for effect works - well then, woo hoo and what was i waiting for??? if it fails - it's me sittin here cryig the blues- with nobody here holding my stupid hand. do i feel lucky punk????? well do i? (not necessarily)
i appreciate anyone's input and caring to bother to respond- but (unfortunately) we all need to find our own way- on our own - and this is probably why in life, when the chips are truly DOWN (IN THE BIGGEST POSSIBLE WAY) - it feels like we're alone in our trouble. (speaking for self only)
I'VE noticed that before- but always thought maybe those around me drop the ball or "let me down" a bit - i'm thinking in my maturity it's just the nature of grief, and trouble.
probably becuase we are all alone - as to the solution, endurance, final decision, etc.
just stupid ole life *& it's uncertainties and so on.
wish i had some really really useful "answer" for you and me and everyone-
i think, honestly, we just have to plug along being who you are, tryin to be honest, tryin to be kind (keeping in mind alot of mwd's good advice about stfu & for me, that's hard. i talk, i "share" - it can be too much i think.)you know, being realistic about our faults - while remaining true to self & the good things (we tend to downplay or overlook maybe)
I think this mlc tends to dump tooooooo much "bad news" and criticism on us- and we flounder around alot beating self up-and (and wondering if it's all acurrate & feeling trashed ) and it's not probably really true at all - or accurate. just the fallout of someone else in trouble or pain- wanting to take everyone out with them, or dump the blame and pain on some poor sap (us) that's there too-
i'm trying to relate h's reactions to me with how i feel sometimes when i'm talking to my one sister whose kindly- but honestly, sometimes talking to her is like trying to take a drink from niagra falls, standing under it with my mouth open- SOOOOOO horrofyingly MUCH INFORMATION - SOOOOOOOO LONG - SO UNENDURABLE) i want to choke and die". Workin on that patience & kindness. she's listened to me rant many times & i appreciate it-
so - hoping i don't "do that" to anyone- i'm workin on it.
i haven't read your thread - linda says you've only been here a fewmonths. i've found it a lifeline. (even tho i've cursed the day i picked up the book inadvertently at a flea market- and find myself here - standing thru this giant most painful mess i've ever encountered in myh life -j oh well huh?
you can imagine why i think it's the "hand of God" or "the universe" guiding our steps. things just happen, fall into your path- for no particular reason- change your entire life lin the blink of an eye- and then whatr? we're supposed to believe we actually can conrol it? or have the deciding input?
ha - i think not. just another human being bumbling along in our little jhourney- like every one else .
ta da have a lovely day- try and hang on - and thank you and drifve thru pleasew. sorry by the way that you find yourself here and in this mess- wouldn't wish it on any living thing.
we're all a soggy mess Nero, but I loved every word of it