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That's interesting. I have always been under the impression that women didn't like it when us men focused on other things during sex.

-PM

To me, if you wouldn't have set the no contact with w until you get the confirmed text from her, the sex would've been fine. It is the setting of boundaries and then easily allowing them to be broken that is the issue. (Sorry for being such pest Jon. You probably want to swat me like a fly)

Good point 2nd, I missed that!!!

I can't fault Jon, I was weak too, and the ML during this phase was incredible. It's almost new again... the marriage is in the process of being reset, it took place in a new place, etc etc.

He's following the script I went through, but in fast-forward mode. His timeline is mine in compressed form.

Jon, just be careful, I think you still have many ups and downs, and some possible pains coming still.

@gabby - I don't know how much is TMI, but she said she hasn't been "satisfied" since the last time we ML back in early August. Believe me, she's probably getting significantly more from the appointments than I am; I'm a considerate guy, lol. Ok, moving on!!!

She also said that she has never stopped loving me, and that's part of the reason that the "fog" broke - the PA made her feel so disgusting and dead inside. (She didn't call it the fog, she just said her mind cleared)

I get what you're saying though. If she hadn't ended the PA on her own, dismissed the divorce on her own, started wearing rings, went "public" with us and even suggested I tell mutual friends she was in 100% and pray for us - I would probably be more skeptical. I don't know.

@PatientMan - LOL!

@EveryoneElse
Well. Ouch. Although I knew when I posted what was coming. However, I'm going to back up and ask for advice. I know that I tend to demand specific behaviors and attempt to control.

Ok, so irrational/emotional JonF is turning over the reins to this awesome crowd:

Question: Should I initiate no contact with OM as a boundary with the consequence being that she and I can not be in any contact until it happens? Should that include even things like counseling or constructive R talks?

Another little "future" push from W. For Thanksgiving, her two kids will be down south with their biological dad, and my two will be with XW1 for Thanksgiving, and she talked about a little getaway for just the two of us for a few days, and suggested a couple of places.

Just weird.

Did you already give your w the NC condition for w breaking off ALL communication with OM? I thought you had set that condition before you and w ML and you failed to keep that boundary ... I already gave the 2x4 for that one.. This time I will just acknowledge that you are human... If you already set the boundary, then you should definitely enforce it now.. If you never actually set that boundary with w, maybe you should wait until you are in front of a MC. Your MC can help and it won't make you look controlling to your w.

I did set it. I think I'm going to approach it a little differently - instead of standing over W and barking demands, I'm just going to reject any invitation or time together, period. She'll want to know why, and then I'll give her the reason, and move on. To me that's a better way to show a boundary anyway, because it's less about control and more about your own actions.

For example, we're supposed to go to an anniversary dinner on Saturday. If she hasn't done the no contact thing by then, then we won't go.

I also responded to the Thanksgiving thing, and told her that sounded interesting, but wouldn't happen if the no contact text wasn't sent.

She said, "I will send it." So, I guess we'll see!

I agree. I see huge red flags in the fact that it is taking W this long to break off all contact. Her excuse that they are just friends, she can't imagine hurting him and she isn't attracted to him anyway sounds like a bunch of you know what. Guess what? I know I may be wrong, however, I did the very same thing and it wasn't for any of the reasons I told my H, it was because I didn't want to do it because I didn't want OM completely out of my life. If she was done, she would be done and she would respect you, your M and your R enough to give him up in every way.



You can't waffle like this. You set the boundary, you ignored the boundary when W was naked, and now the boundary is back in place. You can't just put it back in place and expect W to know this. At this point, if you want it back in place, you need to let her know. "W, I realize I lost my head in the excitement of having sex with you again, however, I know in my heart that if we are truly going to R, you must cut off all contact with OM. I don't mean to confuse you, I was confused myself, however, for my own sake, I cannot continue to do this until I know you have cut off all contact" And then stick to it.



Just for the record, we all say this. I told my h we only had sex a few times, that I didn't do certain things that I did, that it wasn't that good. What else is she going to say?



There is definitely a part of her that isn't done, and a part of her that is ready to try to R. Is it all of her? Time will tell. It doesn't sound like it is, not yet. How patient can you be? How long are you willing to try? If you have seen any of my posts to others, I played this game with my H for years. He didn't always know about OM, it wasn't physical for the majority of it, however, I couldn't let him go emotionally for years. I couldn't let my H go either.

I think NTX is right that she isn't done yet. I hope we are wrong, just be careful and don't forget to keep DBing.