Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Renewing...

@everyone - I knew this was gonna happen, and I'll be better prepared now the first kinda hard negative has hit. I told W I would not compromise on this boundary at all, but I want to be supportive and patient since she is committing to doing it, and she said she'd show me the text sent to him. Honestly, I'd rather she make the choice to do it on her own - if I pressure her, I believe it'll cause resentment. If she doesn't do it, then she doesn't see me. It's that easy. And I keep reminding myself, she's wearing her rings, going to public places with me, already dismissed the divorce - I'm not going to make excuses for her, but in my mind, these are huge steps.

Oh, this is a pretty big thing to forget, but I totally forgot to mention that we ML as well, initiated by W. I don't know if it was a good idea, but I'm pretty sure W woke up every person on her street if you know what I mean, and she said it's the first time she's had that happen since we last ML back in early August. She even told me later on that there was nothing that would ever come close to our ML - and if ML made up a marriage, we'd have the best marriage on the planet. At least it was nice to hear. I'm not going to let it happen again until some of the emotions even out a little.

W even said it's weird why it's so hard to cut off all communication because it wasn't that hard to tell him "H and I are going to work on our marriage, so we can't hang out anymore, not even as friends". She told me that even if I signed a dissolution tomorrow, she already told OM she wouldn't marry him, date him, or be in a relationship more than friends - ever.

If I can engage in some mind-reading, knowing W's history, I think that severing the connection with him is not "losing a romance". She specifically said she doesn't love him and never has, but cares for him like a family member - and she made a point to say that she has never cared for him like she loves me.

I believe it's a symbol of letting go of the "new life" she thought she was going to start, and firmly facing the reality of the hard work she's going to have to do on herself, and we're going to have to do on our marriage. She has never really dealt with her depression, abuse from previous marriage, etc, and she has told me many times the past week she is "really messed up" - and that is not something that is easy for her to admit.

Right now, I don't know. I'm just trying to slow down and be patient. I believe God has gifted us a miracle to have a chance to restore a new relationship and marriage, and I'm not going to mess it up, so I keep repeating "patience" over and over in my head.

OK, I'm ready to get back on the DB train, so please bring out the 2x4s, next steps.
1. We are not communicating at all today.
2. W has readily agreed to counseling, so I suggested we go next week as I'm starting a new project this week.
3. She told me it would be awesome to go for a nice dinner this coming Saturday for our anniversary. Thoughts on that?

Oops, should mention #3, or any other in-person contact, only happens if she shows me the text.

You're doing fine Jon ... Just get the counseling going... It's funny .. on my thread 25 is suggesting I go to counseling (I did for 3 months after BD, but left).. I was gonna resist, but then I thought of you... I am jumping up and down pushing counseling on you, but I don't want to go? Made me think .. Lol

Be careful Jon. You ML once, now you're going to withold it until the time of your choosing, when the "emotions even out"? That's going to look to her like controlling/ manipulative behavior, and that's been a problem in the past, has it not?



Let her set it up, cede some control to her.



That's a no-brainer, of course you go!

Well, AS, I'm going to use your words on ML as my excuse for what just happened. As I said, W seemed a little distant and stressed this morning. I hate leaving stuff like that, I always like to leave on a positive, but I chilled out today, just texted one time about picking up S5.

Then a little bit ago, W texted me, and asked if I was home. (I typically work from home 3-4 days a week). I was, and she texted, "Come over. Now. I'm naked. Hurry.". She texted probably 3-4 more times as I was getting my coat and driving over, saying, "Hurry!" You guys probably won't believe this but she used to come to me while i was working in her robe, and show me she was naked underneath, and I'd say, "I'm too busy.". Thats a 180 I don't mind at ALL.

So I sped, rolled stop signs, parked illegal, and made her a very happy lady (I'm seriously worried about her neighbors). Then I had a cup of coffee, and said I needed to get back to work. Now, that's a much better way of leaving things on a positive note.

Sigh. I don't even know what to say.

But did you get the no contact with OM text?

lol no of course he didn't.

I've been at the phase he's at now. He still has months to go before this sitch is over, and probably a court date or two as well.

Jon, prepare for her to pull back. You have more than confirmed to her that she still owns you.

Just FYI,

What your W is going through is the "honeymoon stage" of R. Those feelings and emotions will wear off. It's what happens after those wild feelings stop that will determine how the R will go. That's why C is very important. You need someone to establish a road map to success for the two of you and to let your W know how not to repeat the same mistakes as in the past.

@Mr. Bond - believe it or not, this is how our marriage has always been. It only stopped back in May or early June. The one thing we never had ANY problem with was ML like teenagers; lucky me I guess.

However, I get what you're saying, and W already said she would go to counseling, I just asked her to wait until next week as I'm starting a big project this week. If she doesn't schedule, is it worth a gentle push/reminder? Or does she need to be a big girl?