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I'm glad you did some reading. It helps.

Maybe just send a quick "Hi, sorry, I've been busy. Hope you had a good Sunday." (in your head you can write "You scumsucking, sicko pig!)

Sit with the receipt info for now. It's still so fresh, you don't have clarity yet. Believe me, I've made this mistake soooo many times. If you confront right now, you are reacting. You don't want to react, you want to act with clarity.

Life is good. Enjoy some little part of your day-if that's all you can do.

Much Love,

Heather

Hi,

job wrote:


This is exactly what happened with my W. IC and I "got" her to stop with OM1 from 2009-2010, all seemed better until March 2011, something wasn't right. Sept 2011 BD...the nasty, venom BD...and so phase 2 ensued. Very, very much worse.

Personally, I would sit on it. Unless the finances are that bad, let it play out some more. See what he does. When I finally had proof of what I suspected, it was devastating at first. But it gets easier. I focused on the big picture, MY end goal, which was reconciliation. I re-framed it to look at it as if this was a new R, the new person would have been with others before at my age (I hope, lol), so this affair behavior/replay crap is "before our new R"...and even before we got M originally, we both had been with others, and that didn't affect our new R and M together.

That's what worked for me, hope you find something in there that is useful...

With everyone concentrating and commenting on a supposed A, it really doesn't help Ambivalent. Stop concentrating on the negative that might not even be true and start focusing on the positives.

Bond, you don't get to determine this. Only Amb alone can. We are here to support and help her with information and resources so she can be armed with it as knowledge is power. Nothing negative about this at all.

Rock on, Amb!

I didn't say that I determine this. But yesterday I just saw a woman spinning out emotionally and everyone adding fuel to the fire that made her spin even faster. Information is great, but I didn't see what the point was of talking to her about "affairing down" etc. when an A hadn't even been determined yet. It made her quickly forget about the positives that occurred just 24 hours prior.

He has a point.

I'm guilty of some spinning.

I was thinking myself about how it was just a receipt.

This is where I get stuck. If it were me, I can't NOT know. I've been beaten with 2x4's for this, but when is it ok to check out the information?

I mean this is somewhat classic 12-stepping in Al-Anon. YOu check out the info BEFORE your mind goes in a million different directions. Yes, he may lie, but IDK...

This is hard.

Heather

In Al-Anon, I think a sponsor would advise to ask the question, but be prepared for the answer.

Or better... Only ask the questions IF you are fully prepared for the answer. Otherwise, Let Go and Let God.

Whoa whoa,

Actually it did help. It allowed me to prepare myself. I am a research to death kinda gal. I need to know...need to understand.

Mr. Bond, you are right in the fact that yes, I had made progress. And yes IF he is having an affair, he chose to share the hunting site with me, he chose to be alone and allow us to spend time doing something other than discussing logistics.

Dinner and sharing wine, was another choice. He could have said no, he could have left, he could have chosen not to have a conversation, and he most definitely did not have to initiate any physical contact ( hug ).

I also did not forget the eye flashing when he came in early Sat. morning. So the coming forward was not forgotten.

The Hero's Spouse has helped a great deal. It explains things, for I am a very curious individual. I don't want to hate my H.

But I also don't like having crap heaped upon me either. I have always been active in my marriage. I came from divorce, with a front row seat. It was horrible and excruciating. My mom did all the mistakes.

I was actually the cool one, in their situation. I even confronted my dad and his temp. OW when we were both at the Officer's Club on Easter. Through my father in a tail spin. He didn't know how to handle my calm , cool , and yes even somewhat sarcastic presentation.

I know my venting is disturbing, it is disturbing to me to even articulate what is going on in my mind. I have managed OCD, so stopping thoughts at crisis is impossible if I'm feeling passionate about the situation. But they are thoughts, not actions.

I do not act on my thoughts, never have, and hopefully never will.

I do believe something is going on. I would prefer it be an escort, for with that I can at least have the comfort of knowing that it would NEVER amount to anything. It still is reprehensible to me, for I am a woman, and have two daughters.

So the thought that he could "use" a woman in that manner is something that disturbs me greatly.

If it is an affair, that is another ball of wax. It adds salt to an open wound. It is something that could potentially go somewhere. At this point I doubt it though. For he too is not stupid. He knows about rebound relationships, it is also born of deceit. Thrilling at first, but he DOES have a conscience.

He also cares what his daughters think. He cares about "presentation" to others and family. He does like a strong woman, me, and he has been seeing one in me for the past months.

Even though I'm strong outwardly, inside I'm a marshmallow. I have been hurt in many ways as a younger girl, and young woman. I gird myself and do not always allow people in as I used to, for fear of being hurt again.

I needed compassion, AND I needed information. I needed a plan and strategy. I still don't know how I feel about whether to confront or not.

Part of me wants to know, that is the curious side of me. I want to know how serious it is. Is he just using me for the suv, and now that he bought the hitch he spent money. The other part is bothered because he spent money on a woman and is asking ME to cut back on cable...that HE set up with all the bells and whistles.

Now that I use it and have the ability to have a few moments that whisk me away from my troubles, he wants to downsize. So what I see is, he's spending money on his activities, women, hunting, cards, bowling, and I'm supposed to deal with being in our home with all the memories, going to school and trying to concentrate, I stopped tennis due to the club costs and flight costs. I feel I'm giving and he has been dishonest.

I never asked him if he is seeing someone, or where he goes and what he does. He constantly telling me what he's about to do, or where he's been, and it is as if he needs to tell me these things, because he is doing something about what he isn't proud.

Oh and on Saturday he filled my SUV with gas. And yes I looked him in the eyes and said " you don't know how much I appreciate that ."

All the while I was feeling my heart pounding, stomach knotting and feeling completely broken.